Tomorrow is that start of a new year, a full 365 blank paged booked, new chapters to be made and created. I don't think I'll ever be ready to close the chapter on my little girl, I will only close that when I'm no longer here, I promise to live my life for her, to love and breathe & smile & laugh for my daughter. I have hated 2014, its been the worst year of my life and I never want to experience this again, but I was also blessed with a beautiful little girl, my angel Kyla who I will love and cherish and carry with me always.
I am ready for 2015, I am ready to stand again and live again, & too start a new chapter with my angel by my side holding mummy's hand.
So bring on 2015 there are new memoires and new dreams and a dam good book to be written!

 

Happy New Year Baby girl love you always, you have taught me more than anyone in such a short amount of time, forever my shinning light, my angel throughout my life X x x

Remembering your beautiful daughter at Christmas

This Beautiful card arrived for us today from Daddy's aunty in the UK, it totally blew me away.
Its the most thoughtful, most beautiful card I have ever seen.... and the words written inside had me in tears, it me a while to read it.
But oh my baby girl its just so nice, so nice to know that people care and that they think about you and us and they understand that this is going to be really hard.
We truly are lucky to have amazing people in our lives. Yes we have lost people along the way but the people we have now are true beautiful, amazing people and I know how blessed we truly are.

This is just so beautiful

Kyla see's the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights like heaven's stars reflecting the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For she's spending Christmas in heaven this year.

We know how much you miss her, we see the pain inside your heart
But she's not so far away, you really aren't apart.
So be happy Mummy and Daddy, you know she holds you dear
Remember she is safe and spending Christmas with Jesus this year.

She sends you each a special gift from her heavenly home above,
she sent you each a memory of her undying love.
After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold
& Kyla's love will always be in your hearts forever to hold.

Please love and keep each other as she will want you to.
For she can't count the blessings of love she has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
we are so sorry she is spending Christmas with Jesus this year.



Beautiful isn't it!

Mummy also got her Christmas present the only thing I really wanted.
I will wear it each and everyday and treasure it forever, sacred just like you my girl.

Your 1st Angel Christmas, Dreams,wishes & imagination

Hey my beautiful angel girl.

Its nearly Christmas, this will be your first Christmas! 9 months old, crawling around, giggling and gooing, wearing your first Christmas outfit, presents stacked under the Christmas tree, not really understanding what's going on but your happy and beautiful and Mummy and Daddy are so happy too.
Dreams, wishes and imagining.....is all I can do.
This time last year you was 7 months old in mummy's belly, we had so much to look forward too, we had all these dreams of you that would soon be a reality, I played out Christmas in my head, imagined what we would be doing, what we would be doing with you, how special this Christmas would be with our little smiling Kyla.
Only this Christmas I find myself imagining again, but imagining having you here at Christmas is something that will never be a reality, I can try and imagine, I can dream and I can wish but that's all I can do again as I know it will never happen.
It breaks my heart everyday not having you here, we miss you so much.

Why is all I can say....Why us....why you.

This Christmas should have been the best Christmas the only present I wanted is you.

I bought you a baby's first bauble and a little pink Christmas tree, I hope you like them, it still feels so unreal doing any of this, buying a bauble when your not here, putting a tree up for you on my own, when you should be here.
They say time is a healer...really a healer....there's never a day that goes by that I don't hurt with missing you, then there is a special occasion that we have to face, there's always something that makes it hard.
Going around the shops, the busy malls, baby's & prams, mothers & fathers, happiness and families everywhere....it feels so lonely and a constant reminder of what is missing.
But I know there are many other people that walk in the same shoes, who are hurting and dying inside but that mask of grief is put on so to the world no one knows, its only if you stopped and looked you would see the pain, but we don't look for that, all we see is happiness and what we want in others. Its a crazy world!

I know that heaven will be having an amazing Christmas, your little angel friends will be there with you playing, you'll be sang carols and given presents, you'll be wrapped in the arms of the angels, you'll be loved by the people who are no longer here.

Just know whatever you do and where ever you are...Mummy & Daddy love you so much & we miss you more than words could ever say, we will be thinking of you on Christmas day angel, I'll be imagining you, your face, your hair, your smile, your personality, ill be thinking of it all and dreaming and wishing.

Thank you for your very special present as well my girl, I know you helped with this one!

Love you 4eva and miss you always X x x x X

Capture your grief - Day 22 - Self care

Capture your grief
Day 22 - Self care
Just be, just be how you feel on that day, take baby steps, take it easy, just breathe and just be however you want or need to be. ...
For me my self care is letting whatever I feel each day...just be....don't hide from it, don't be fake about it, don't always feel you have to mask it up your allowed to feel and do whatever is right for you. No one else knows what you need, only you.
So be kind your self & take care
Sunshine always helps for self care

 

Capture your grief - Day 21 - Relationship

Capture your grief
Day 21 - Relationship
From the day we found out I was pregnant our relationship formed with our baby, it grew and grew each day and week along with Kyla growing in my belly. ...
We would talk to her & sing to her, see her developing on all the scans, we started that amazing relationship between parent and child.
Even though Kyla isn't here with us, it doesn't mean our relationship isn't there, it is and it always will be, its just in a VERY different way.

 

Capture your grief - Day 20 - Breathe

Day 20 - Breathe

Breathing its simple right?
After Kyla I didn't k now what was happening, everyday I struggled to breath properly, my chest felt like it was caving in & it was like I couldn't get enough air....
I thought something was wrong with me.
Anxiety...that's what was happening to me, it started straight away, I just didn't know what is was.
So even breathing became difficult, I had to learn breathing techniques, to help me, sounds silly hey!
Inhale, exhale how hard can that be.
But now I know when you suffer from anxiety its hard, it can happened anytime, anywhere.

Inhale....Exhale...Inhale....Exhale....

Capture your grief - Day 19 - Give

Capture your grief

Day 19 - Give

All I want to give is knowledge to pregnant women on Group B strep, so they have the knowledge and the choice to request a test!
...

Group B Streptococcus, or Streptococcus agalactiae, is a type of bacteria that is naturally found in the digestive tract and birth canal in up to 1 in 4 pregnant women. Unfortunately, babies can be infected by GBS before birth and up to about 6 months of age due to their underdeveloped immune systems.

I don't want anyone else to have to suffer the loss of a perfect baby when such a simple test could possibly pick up the GBS and they get the antibiotic's during labour that are needed to protect baby.
At the moment all I can do is give advise and give people the knowledge I now have on GBS.

http://www.groupbstrepinternational.org/what-is-group-b-strep/

http://gbss.org.uk/what-is-gbs/for-pregnant-women/

Capture your grief - Day 18 Gratitude

Capture your grief
Day 18 - Gratitude
Forever I will be thankful to my little girl. I wish so much that I could change things and have you here with me and your daddy, but I'm so very thankful that I held you every step of your life, I'm so thankful that you held on somehow for those precious 16 hours and that I got to kiss your face, and hold you into me, and be your mummy....
Through this heartache you gave me so much more than I could ever have asked for.
I'm forever thankful to you Kyla, my daughter.
You have changed me in so many ways & showed my the true meaning of being a mummy and that pure love a parent has for their child, I am so proud & thankful that you choose me to be your mummy X

 

Capture your grief - Day 17 Explore

Capture your grief

Day 17 - Explore

I choose this picture as it captures my world now.....I have no option but to explore my grief which I am now learning isn't always such a bad thing.
Its what I have to do, I have to explore into this... unknown place which at the moment is my world, I'm grieving, every second, every minute & every hour of every day.
And through exploring my grief, I'm exploring myself and my new world, its all changed, the exploring is very hard but its made me explore so many different things and so many different people and this part of the exploring has helped & is helping me through my journey of grief for my beautiful angel

 

 

 

Capture your grief Day 15 & 16

Capture your grief

Day 15 - Community
Day 16 - Retreat

Community - This is where I'm so thankful for social sites! ...
Through social sites I have come across quite a few support groups for bereaved parents. These special community's are a great support for us angel mummy's & I'll be forever grateful that they are here for us.
Especially Sands!! I have met some amazing people thanks to Sands and now have some great support.

Retreat - In all honesty my home is my retreat, for me loosing Kyla especially in the beginning made me afraid of the world, to me it had all changed & it became a scary place, some where I didn't want to be.
My home is my place where I feel safe, I can feel and be how I want to be, I didn't have to confront my fears off the outside world.
Now in the following months I'm in a bot of a different place and the outside world isn't as scary, but my home is my retreat, my place, where I can retreat to & just be.

 

 

 

Capture your grief - Day 14 Light/ Dark

Capture your grief

Day 14 - Dark/light

Straight away you are thrown into the darkness of grief.
You can't see any light, it's like all the lights in the world have gone and you are trapped in the darkness....
Slowly though little by little each light is turned back on, maybe it's a bit dimmer in some areas but brighter in other areas & you start to step into a new light.
Every morning I try and I have to force my self to step out into the light of life, today I did just that, and today the darkness lifted a little more and I saw more light today.

Capture your giref - Day 12 & 13

Capture your grief

Day 12 - Music
Day 13 - Seasons

Music has played a massive part in my healing after loss, I probably drive my neighbours mental with my songs on repeat but music is my outlet I guess. I can sing and dance or break d...own and cry.
My favourite song for my girl is Sarah McLachlan In the arms of an angel.
I actually hadn't heard if before Kyla, its so beautiful and I it.
Every time I hear it all I think is Ky being in the arms of an angel, it makes me happy to think she is.

Seasons come around so fast! My favourite season is spring, when everything starts changing, the sun starts shinning and life starts to emerge again.
I love seeing the leafs coming back and the colours of life all around us.
I dreamt last spring being 4/5 months pregnant of playing with Kyla and taking her to all these amazing places, the parks, the beaches, having family time and watching her grow. My dreams are still there
Plus it means summer is coming and that means BBQ`S and drinking a lot more 

 

 

Capture your grief - Day 11 - Altar

Capture your grief

Day 11 - Altar

These are our little corners/places of love for our little angel, wouldn't class it as an alter nor a shine.
But little pieces of our baby scattered around our home to show her off to the world and keep her close to us always .

Capture your grief - Day 10 - Support

Capture your grief

Day 10 - Support

This photo was taken at Auckland Airport, my amazing parents travelled all the way from the UK 2 weeks before Kyla was due. They where so happy they got to see me pregnant & see Kyla kicking and moving away, they got a little bonding time with her ...
My mum and dad have been my rock through out this, their strength and support in those darkest days I can never thank them enough for. They helped me to go out into the world again, they helped me to smile and laugh and have faith again.
They taught me so much and helped and continue to help me everyday, even from the other side of the world they are here for me every single day.
I am truly blessed to have you guys and we love you more than words will ever say!
Kyla has the best grandparents, I so wish it was different but I thank for your support then and now!
Love you heaps X x x

 

Capture your grief - Day 9 - Remembrance

Capture your grief
Day 9 - In Remembrance
We created a special place inside and out, a place where we can sit and remember our little angel. In her room we have photos, we have her beautiful pink box full of our memories that we where lucky enough to get in such a short amount of time, her hospital things, lockets of her hair, scan photos.

Outside we created a little garden, it looks awesome at night all the solar lights surround it, its peaceful.
And the teddy is my girl, it carry's her wee ashes in the back
To this day it's so surreal, one minute she was in my belly, then in my arms & now she is in a urn in the back of a teddy, at least in a way I can still hug her tight.

 

Capture your grief - Day 7 - Sacred place

Capture your grief
Day 7 - sacred place

This is my Kyla corner
Its sacred to me in so many ways, this is where we sang to her many times in my belly, watched her kicking and moving around, watch my belly grow knowing our little girl was in there growing beautifully.
Now it's like my reflecting place, my peaceful place, I'm surrounded by her in this corner, it makes me feel close to her in ways.
It's my sacred place

 

 

Capture your grief - Day 6

Capture your grief
Day 6 - Books

Ok so this one is a little light hearted for today.
I was given this book from lovely work Mates, it's really funny & makes me giggle.
Of course I never would have read it to Kyla but it is a light hearted funny book & for today for capture your grief I hope this one can raise a little smile as i know we all need to smile an laugh through this hard emotionally draining journey

Capture your grief - Day 5 - Journal

Capture your grief
Day 5 - journal
When I found out I was pregnant my bestie bought me this journal, to write down all about being pregnant & too capture special parts of the pregnancy.
The beginning of the journal I can't even read anymore it hurts too much now, when Kyla died I moved to the back of the journal to capture my grief journey. Funny how the beginning is full of hopes and dreams and the back is the raw pain of loosing her. ...
I added the photo showing my last words while kyla was happy & healthy still in my belly which was written only 2 days before Kyla was born. Breaks my heart reading it, I had no idea it would end this way.

 

Capture your grief - Day 4 - Now

Capture your grief
Day 4 - Now
Now...now we are broken, now we know pure pain, now we have a beautiful daughter who is our world even though she isn't here, now we have an angel baby who lives with us everyday in our hearts, now we have a huge part of us missing and this will our forever.
Now we fight for our rights and we know now about Group B strep and spreading the word to prevent little babies lives from being taken way to soon. ...
Now we are wiser, we are braver, we are stronger, we are surviving.
We know not too take life our anything for granted, we are scared of what can happen and we know too well how it can all fall apart in the blink of an eye.
We know now what and who matters to us but out of it all we now know the amazing people who are in our lives that have stood by us and helped us to see a little light at the end of this very dark tunnel & we know how to appreciate our family and friends more than ever and how blessed we are to have them all.
Now there are 3 of us, only one has wings and watches us from above, and will always fill our hearts with nothing but pure love.

 

Capture your grief - Day 3 - Before

Capture your grief
Day 3 - Before

 

I love this photo, it was taken not long before we became pregnant, this was us before, before we knew pure heartache, before we knew what it felt like to have your world torn apart, we were innocent to grief and loss, we smiled true smiles, we had hopes and dreams that no one could shatter, we knew no real pain,we lived and loved life everyday.
I look back and think how innocent we was, we had no idea what our future held, I know we never in a million years imagined this.
One thing I love in this photo is just us, me and my hubby, one thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him and how he can still make me smile like this.

Capture your Grief - October 2014 - Day 2 - Heart

Capture your grief - This is I'm hoping a great healing event for the whole month of October.
October is Baby loss & infant loss awareness month and hopefully in taking part this helps raising awareness and helps me on my grief journey and my healing.

 

 

I missed day 1 which was a sunrise, so here is my day 2.

Day 2 - Heart

I have included this photo as a year ago today we found out our little bump was a baby girl, most happiest day of our lives.
I dreamed of dressing her in cute little outfits & having that amazing mother & daughter relationship just like my mum and me have & seeing Layton with his little Daughter his pride and joy his world. Happy memoires and happy dreams.

 

When will it get easier...

Does it ever get easier??
I have learnt that the pain never goes away, & that is something I hate knowing.
But at the same time if someone said they could take it away, I wouldn't want them to.
That would mean taking you away my baby, erasing you, & that is something I never want to do.

But does it get easier, this is something that leaves the ? mark.
I thought with time, from what I have read and heard, that time helps, time helps you to heal a little, never fully but you start to heal and it starts to get easier.
I can honestly say since the day you gained your angel wings, it hasn't got easier.
I know it was only in March, 6 months ago, but I thought it would start to get a little easier.....
It's not happening. Its frustrates me so much.

I want to live my life and be happy again, and I keep trying, but I always get knocked back down to this empty, lost, hurt, lonely feeling.
Learning to live with this sucks! Learning to live a new normal sucks!
I keep being tested and tested, and I feel if I am tested anymore I will break.
I don't want sympathy or pity, I'm just trying to learn to live without you, but its so hard & its not getting any easier, I try and try, and then something else flows me and knocks me again.

Your little cousin arrived into the world, I remember when my brother told me they where expecting, I was 6 months pregnant, & so happy! I couldn't wait, I was so excited, I had it all planned out in my mind, me and you would go home back to the UK, I could show you off to my family and friends & you could meet your little cousin.
But it hasn't gone that way, its thrown me and took me back to that day of loosing you, reminded me of how it should be, and pulled me into reality of how my life is.
She looks like you. She has the hair line, the black hair, the button nose, she looks like you, my baby, who has died...she looks like you.
I just didn't expect that, I knew she may have black hair, but to resemble you, has just shocked me.
It sounds silly, she's my niece, why wouldn't she look like you, why didn't I think this, prepare my self, I prepared myself for the black hair, but not the rest.
 I Love her very much but she reminds me of you, & at the moment that's to raw for me, its too much for me.
I want to fly home and go see her, I want to pick her up and cuddle her,& just stare at her & love her, But at the same time I'm frightened of her.....
One day I know I'll be able to watch her and ill take comfort in knowing that you would be like her, but right now, it hurts me, and makes me see what I'm missing, I'm missing my girl, I just miss you so much Kyla.
Its such a hard time for me right now, it shouldn't be like this.
But I'm being tested again, I know ill get back on my feet, I wish I could run to that time, but for now ill wobble again & I just pray for better times.
Hopefully our rainbow baby is waiting for us, not that a baby would take any of this away but we want to have a family....maybe when I have our baby alive, crying and moving in my arms, maybe then it will get easier....?
Will it??
I don't know
Only time will tell

Oh well baba, mummy loves you, I hope you can see me, I hope you are around us, we need you my baby.
Its fathers day tomorrow, I got a card from you to daddy. I told him how this time last year you was in mummy's belly and how much you was looking forward to being in his arms this time.
He misses you like crazy, and he loves you oh so much.

I hope you walk with us on this next journey, mummy needs your hand to hold.

Broken a litte bit more

I didn't think that I could break anymore , I thought my heart was shattered, so it couldn't break anymore, but I know these last few days its shattered even more.
I'm frustrated that this is my life, full of heartache and disappointment.
We keep trying to stay afloat, we keep hoping and holding on, we keep believing, but we keep losing, no matter how hard we try, this dark ass cloud keeps following us around, hanging above us, we see a glimmer of hope, but it doesn't last long.
Why cant the sun stay shinning on us.....what did we do so wrong!

I am not the person who goes down the self pity path, if I do I don't plan on staying there for long.
But what happens when the next steps you take just end up hurting you again, trying to pick your self up time after time, how can you get off the path....? how long can you keep doing it for?
I lost you Kyla, my world.
Wasn't that enough!
The best thing that ever happened to me was taken so quickly & I just don't know if we will ever get back to the path of happiness, every time we come close it gets taken away just as quick.
I`m so close to giving up, I want to fight but when I do, when I fight back, I get knocked over.

5 months ago our world fell apart and it hasn't stopped since.
All we want is to have a family, why is that now becoming the biggest challenge of our life's.
I don't want it to be our sole focus, I`m tiered, over 6 years of trying for a baby and then 3 years ago being told something devastating, that put us into the most difficult position and meant we had to make the biggest decision of our life and go through fertility treatment and for it to keep ending in tragedy....why!!!!
I don't know where to go at the moment, what do we do, do we give up....we cant and we wont but its a shit shit time!!!
Our funding has run out for the IUI treatment, the first one we did a few months ago didn't work, but we had one left.
Everything banked on it taking, if it didn't then we either wait another whole year for the funding to become available or we pay a stupid amount of money to try and make it happen.
We only have one wage coming in, I`m struggling with the whole going back to work thing, I`m still in the midst of grieving for my girl, and still focusing on having a baby, a baby that can stay here on earth with us.
Its tiring IUI, I know its nothing compared to IVF & I`m thankful at the moment I don't have to go there, but getting bloods taken everyday and then going through the IUI, then waiting the anguishing 2 weeks to see if where pregnant, its exhausting!
But I guess at least we have this option hey.
What is killing me right now is that the 2nd go worked, we got pregnant......
But as I write this, I`m currently I guess miscarrying, very early days, but It worked we got pregnant, but something went wrong and my body is saying no.
For me its nothing compared to loosing Kyla, Kyla was a full term baby, who was perfect and died due to something so stupid so its totally different.
Its so early with this one that i didn't hear the heart beat and I didn't see the scan, but it still hurts.
To start thinking Oh we are pregnant, maybe this is our miracle. But no.
I just feel yet again my body has failed me, my husband feels like he has failed me and now I keep feeling like I`m failing him.
Why are we being tortured!!! Even finding out about this last IUI, it has been a week of torture for us.
First the call saying your pregnant but your HCG levels are low so we need to get your bloods done again in 3 days & make sure they rise, but the next day I`m bleeding, not heaps but I`m bleeding.
I get told oh that doesn't sound good, your probably having a early mc, so we had a weekend of thinking that, only to be told on Monday that the levels have risen like they should so its looking good, but oh no.....the bleeding carry's on, teasing us, bloods get done yesterday and levels have dropped, still classed as pregnant due to the hormone level but I'm miscarrying.
So I'm sat here cramping, thinking really...is this really happening!!!!
I feel like where one of those couples doomed. The couple you look at and just feel sorry for.
I don't want to be them!!!
I know we have options and I know one day it will be ok.
But right now, after building ourselves up that little bit in the last 5 months, we`ve just been shattered again.

Giving up is all I have at the moment.

Re build, re focus. But for today all I see and feel is emptiness and I`m broken again.


I left myself believe for only a moment, but I left my self believe of our baby, Kyla`s little brother or sister, being in the room, in the cot.

But I guess it will remain....empty.

Life lessons

Wow am I learning some life lessons through loosing you my baby girl.

People are so different and this journey is showing me the true colours of people.
The people who you believe will be there but when it comes to it....they just aren't.
The people who take offence because you cant be there for them because their grieving too but seem to not understand that it happen to us where in immense grief,it was our child, our baby,our life.

Are we all that wrapped up in our own selfish little world....that we cant see the hurt and the pain....that we cant see that the people we love,the people we call family are their needing us.
Is it that they don't want to be part of the grief...they don't want to interrupt there so called perfect little life, and just be there for us.....is it that hard!
Can they not see the pain in our eyes, do they not understand that we cant go back to how it was, its not that easy, where taking baby steps in everything we do, is it that hard to see?

I question myself and think how would I have reacted, if someone close to me loss such a precious gift, would I just turn after the funeral , after a few weeks have passed, would I just turn and walk away??
I don't think I would, I don't think I could.

Would I question them for not visiting me anymore?
Would I question them because I feel there being distance with me?

In my eyes that's selfishness, there thinking of themselves, and not thinking of us.
Or am I wrong am I being selfish? should I be contacting everyone, should I be visiting everyone?
No I just lost my baby, it was only 5 months ago!!!

Do they not understand, that we went from blissful happiness to absolute heartache and despair?
Our world has changed, completely changed.

Where in a hole, which is dark and lonely, we can see a tiny bit of light, where trying to crawl our way up & out of this hole, but the soil and the dirt keeps falling back in around us, we are tired and scared and lost, but where trying our best to get out, but its a big hole and it will take us a very long time to get out, we probably wont ever fully get out.

No one knows what to say, no one knows to do, I feel like screaming "YOU don't know what to say?!! Do you think we have the words for this!"
Is it about words no, its about understanding and being there.
But this is where the problem lies, either people are too wrapped up in there own bubble, or the lack of awareness around child loss & grief is truly not spoken off & is this what people prefer?? Silence.

                                                    I had a baby, her name is Kyla Sian X

                                                       This is who I am...right now.....

                                                           
                                                             And sadly this is true.....

Baby steps

Taking baby steps.

When I think of baby steps, I think of my little girl, all cute & smiley, with little chubby legs, big eyes maybe brown or blue, little curls of  black hair, holding mummy's hands as she gets all excited and takes her first baby steps, she struggle`s & wobbles but try`s so hard, she wants to go faster and you can see the determination in her little face, my little girl if she could she would even run but she wobbles and falls. My little girls first baby steps would have meant the world to me, bursting with pride, taking photos to show the world of my girl, my Kyla taking her little baby steps.

Now I realise these baby steps that should be what I imagine above of my baby, are my baby steps .
Struggling to put one foot in front of the over, wobbling, wanting to run but I cant, I just cant.
I'm determined but its hard, people hold my hand but only for a while, I feel so lonely with these steps.
But these baby steps I take in a way do mean a lot to me, each step I take is a little stronger, I go a little further each time, sometimes I fall again, but sometimes I don't, I put one foot in front of the other and I try.
That's what bereaved parents do, we try, we try and carry on, we try and be ok in this big world, but we are taking baby steps again, because its so much harder now.

I don't really like taking baby steps, I used to take strong striding steps, but not now.

The loss of a child rocks everything onto another level, its the hardest most difficult journey to ever walk and baby steps are the only way.
Don't run ahead when your not ready too, don't try and take big steps when your not ready too, wobble and fall & know that its ok, take one step at a time, don't hurry your self.

To me this time is precious, its my time, our time, to fall and pick our selves up, grieving our babies is what we have to do, you cant ignore it, as the people around you do, they carry on with their steps, the steps they know and take no differently, but our steps are our healing steps and their new and different and scary for us, but they are precious on our journey ahead.

Just take baby steps.

Sometimes we take two steps forward

And one-step back

Some of us take baby steps

Some of us take giant steps

But the secret is not to let that

one step back turn into a failure
Learn from backward steps
And keep on stepping forward in this dance
Called life

Illuminate - A letter to my baby X x x

So I came across Beryl Ayn Young & her awesome creative course called Illuminate, due to our heartbreak through baby loss, this course Is about capturing the grief & your journey, through photography.
I`m finding since loosing Kyla, the best way to remember our story and journey and actually the only thing I can do is be creative, and what I like most is powerful images and the feelings & story behind them.

So here we go, week one:

A letter to my angel ,

Hi my gorgeous baby girl, I hope your ok, wherever you are.....
In my Nana's arm a physic told me, you be good baby girl & give Nana a kiss from me.
Mummy & daddy miss you so much, our heart aches for you every day.
I think about you and imagine you every single day, just like I did when I first found out about you.
Me & daddy was so happy when we found out we was finally pregnant, it took a long time to get you in mummy's belly and we had to make big decisions along the way, but we knew we wanted a baby and we wouldn't stop until we got you.
I`m so happy and proud that we did & I`m so happy it was you.
My beautiful girl.
Mummy`s friend bought me a diary to write in for you, so when you was older you could read all about being in mummy`s belly.
Every week I would tell you how I was feeling, and how my body was changing, and how my belly was growing. I wrote about your first movements, I loved feeling you move. I wrote about your scans and how much I worried all the time, and it always turned out to be nothing. I would finish everything off with, stay strong baby and keep doing what your doing, mummy will get you here safely.
You did so well Kyla, you grew big & strong, me & daddy just loved everything, seeing you on the scans, & we thank you for that beautiful smile you gave us on your 29 week 4d scan, I think you did that just for us.
Those 9 months where the happiest me and daddy had been for a while, and it was because of you.
Your was our everything from the start & you still are.
I`m just so sorry that right at the end ,it all went wrong. You was big a girl, & mummy was 1 week and 1 day over your due date, Nana and granddad came from the UK just for you, so they could see you come into this world. I hope you know we was all there baby, me  & daddy really thought wow this is it, we are going to be parents our little girl is on her way.
Little did we know how it was all going to change and we would be putting you to sleep for ever, we wouldn't have sleepless nights, we wouldn't be putting you in your bassinet, we wouldn't be changing you, feeding you, we wouldn't be doing anything. Please know sweetie we looked forward to doing it all, we couldn't wait, we really couldn't wait to meet you & hold you, kiss you and love you forever.
I`d give my last breath to put it into you, and give you the life you should be living.
I`m sorry that it finished this way. I had no idea when I was giving birth to you that things wasn't ok, nobody did angel. Everything was going perfect, so we all thought.
Mummy had a infection, an infection I had never heard off until recently. I hope they didn't hurt you on your post-mortem, Ky I`m sorry you had to travel alone, I`m sorry I couldn't go with you. But we needed to know what happened babe, you was so perfect it didn't make sense....
When mummy was in the water and I gave that last push, I remember everyone saying well done, she`s here, she beautiful. Words will never describe what I felt in that moment, I was so happy, so exhausted and all I had to do was turn around and look at you, I was a mum, you was here.
When I saw you baby girl, you blew me away, your beauty was beyond words...I felt something I have never felt, and that was pure love for you.
Mummy waited for you to move, I really thought you would. When they took you in the next room I thought I would hear you cry. I know Its not my fault but I cant help but just want to tell you that I`m sorry. I want to thank you though my beautiful girl, I`m thankful that I got you for those precious 16 hours, I just hope you wasn't in pain. It was the hardest decision of our lives to take you off life support, but I knew you`d gone, mummy knew you had already gone, Your eyes never opened and when the doctor opened them for you, I saw you had gone. I knew it was the right thing for you.
When I first held you, I cried all over you, but I was so happy to hold you in my arms, I had imagined that moment so many times, what I didn't imagine was holding you until your angel wings came.
But mummy was with you and daddy was too, and both nana`s and granddads.
Your little lips where perfect, and your nose so cute, your hair, you had so much of it, was so thick just like mummy's, you where my double baby girl, your was so so beautiful, I could have stayed in that moment with you forever.
Just know I will always fight for you and fight for what took you, Group B strep, so simply fixed, if only I knew, if only we knew, it may have changed the whole story. We will protect other people though now babe, we will make sure they know and make sure they get tested.
I just wish someone had told me, so maybe I could have protected you.

Me & daddy and all of you family, especially Summer your doggy all love you so much Kyla.
Your our first baby, our girl, our daughter, your our world, even though your far away in a different place,you are our world still. We will carry you with us forever, and hold you in our hearts.
You have changed so many people, me & daddy and everyone, your beauty and short life have changed us forever, I`ll be forever grateful and proud of you and so happy to say your my daughter. You changed me for the best & I`ll live my life the best I can for you.
I really wish you was here, I have so much love for you, we would have done so many things, we would have given you the best.
I'll be forever sorry, but I know you`ll walk with mummy and daddy forever.

Night night my baby girl, I`ll see you soon ok, come visit mummy whenever you want ok, I`ll be here missing you and loving you always.

X x x  Stay safe X x x


Twinkle Twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are.

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