This beautiful lady here is my Nana, she sadly passed away a while ago now, She was such an amazing, strong, kind, loving lady, someone I look up to and can only hope one day I will be like my amazing beautiful nan.
My nan had a story, a story that was never really told, we all knew a fraction of her story but now I know how much of it was untold. Nan had 5 children, one of whom was handicapped my uncle Jim, my amazing dad, my uncle Frank & my uncle Jeff, her husband left her, left her for someone else and she had to raise all four children on her own, I always knew this about my nan, and I always thought what an inspiration she is, she never gave up, she worked & raised 4 children all on her own, with my uncle obviously needing a lot more, but she did it and she never moaned, she just got on with it being the best mother she could be.
The 5th child who was her first child, was a little girl, a little girl called Doreen, Doreen didn't make it, she was born and died shortly afterwards. When I was born Nan said I looked exactly like Doreen.
I knew this, I knew she had a baby girl who died and that I looked like her.

This is all I knew, I never really if I`m honest paid much attention to it.....until now, until I now understand, until I now walk in my Nana's shoes, I now understand what this amazing, loving lady went through.
What hurts me the most, is knowing, that we both lost a baby girl, the first child we carried we both lost shortly after birth, I don't know what Doreen died off, no one does.
I don't know anything about this little girl, who I looked like, and now I know that Kyla would have looked like her too, Kyla was my double.
There are no pictures, there are no memories, no one knows anything about her, apart from my nan, who never spoke a word of it, only a mention of her name at the church.
My path is different, I have support, I have heaps of memories in that short 16 hours of my girls life, I have so much.
My nan had nothing, and I don't think she would have had support, I don't think she would have grieved properly, maybe on her own when nobody knew, but what did she have, who helped her, why did Doreen die, how did she cope, I have so many questions.....
I feel so sad knowing what she went through, knowing her pain & knowing nothing else.
When Kyla passed all I wanted to do is ask my Nana how she got through it, how did she survive it....

But I guess, I can take the memories of my nan, and remember she was happy, she had 4 beautiful baby boys after Doreen, I know she carried Doreen with her always in her heart, and I know that my nan survived and I know she survived more than likely on her own.
How times have changed, and I guess I`m thankful for that, but I feel so sad for my Nana, I feel sad just to know she knows this pain, it was her inside pain, that no one could see, now I know it was there, just like mine.

My nan is more amazing now and more of an inspiration to me, such a strong lady, so brave, so beautiful and she always kept her faith, so for my Kyla, for Doreen & for my Nana, I will have faith that things will be ok, and I will take the fact I was blessed to have you as my Nana, I will carry your strength with me.

I close my eyes, and I see you all, my daughter, my Nana, my Nana Mck and my auntie Doreen & my uncle Jim, your happy, your safe, you walked passed heavens gate, to a place far away and that's where you`ll all stay, you`ll wait for the day when we can all embrace again, & ill keep you all locked in my heart until then.

Love & miss you all for ever and a day X x X

                                          (Nans favourite song "The Old Rugged Cross")