9 More weeks to go!
I am so excited to meet this little rainbow of ours, but I am absolutely terrified beyond words.
Its all so surreal, my belly is massive, this little cheeky boy is so strong and his movements are like nothing I have ever seen, but I feel like I'm still walking in such a surreal world.
My world is full of excitement wanting more than anything to be a mummy to my earth baby, its my dream, its what we want more than anything, yet my world if full of what if's and trying to picture this little man coming into the world alive, its full of anxiety and fear.
I feel at the moment emotionally drained, physically done in, the finish line is drawing closer but yet it feels so far away, it feels like I wont make it.....
Trying to be positive is seeming impossible, some days are ok but some days I'm just overtaken with doubt.
I think to how happy we was just over a year ago, my belly huge, our future mapped out, no doubt, no fear, how did it come to loosing our girl.... & here I am a year later with a beautiful little boy in my belly but I'm filled with so much fear, can I get him here safely.... how can I be sure things are ok.
Its all so different from last time in everyway, is that good, is that bad.
I feel like crawling into a corner and hiding there until he's here, I don't want to put anyone through the pain of loosing someone so special and precious again, I'm so scared of that pain and seeing it again and seeing it in the faces of the people I love so much.
But why am I even thinking this!!!
Its that back and forward, fighting with the past and the future, trying too separate them, but sometimes falling into it, this is pregnancy after loss, your overtaken by what was and what happened, yet trying so much to be OK and believe it will be OK.
I'm so tiered from it all, I just want our little man here, alive in our arms.
Week 30 is a great milestone and I'm blessed and thankful to be here, and I know I have to pull everything that I have to keep positive and trust that this will be ok, for myself, my hubby and more importantly this little man. The next 9 weeks are going to be the toughest weeks of our lives, the unknown and the fear of the known.
