3 months today...

I made this video the day before Kyla`s funeral, we played it that day for her & for everyone to see I guess our journey, of being pregnant & then of our baby girl.
3 months have gone by so slow but yet so fast, I`m sat here thinking what have I been doing..?
Surviving is what I have been doing.

People say oh your so brave....
I don't think I am, I think its a fact of having to survive this horrible journey, we have no option in this, no option at all.

When I do look back actually, I think to the first few days, few weeks & remember thinking how will I EVER get through this, what will our lives be like, I never thought id smile or I guess live through it.
But I have smiled, & I have laughed, it hurts, it hurts so much, but I do know & someone said this to me, you will always have that hole, it will never be filled, your lives will never be the same again, BUT you will start to build a life around that hole, & I know its early days but I think that we are doing this without even knowing.

You can either be consumed by the grief or have a little control over the grief, you don't let the grief control you, its hard but its so true, you either sink or swim.
I also read something that really hit home, a girl who wrote so truthfully about the loss of a child wrote the following:
You understand that you can die bitter, or die thankful.
There is no in between.
You can make your Childs legacy be one of tears and sadness, or joy and transformation.
You can sit in your pain, or help lead others through their pain.

How true is that!

We did get your Medical report baby girl, but we need it explained, it broke my heart to read it, I just hope you didn't suffer, & I`m still sorry I didn't get you here safe, I feel like I broke my promise.
We just know that you was fine inside & out, so why you was taken in the final stage I just don't understand!

Love you always xx XXX

Just a qoute...i hope it`s true

Falling Apart.....But with hope.....

 

 

Waiting with a question mark ?

Waiting.....waiting......& more waiting

Hey Mr post man, where is my letter, it should be here, it`s not just a normal letter Mr post man, its so close to the final hurdle of why my daughter died , so please bring me the letter Mr post man, they said it would be here.

But do I want to read it, do I want to see inside....?

There could be so many reasons, there could be nothing at all, my heart aches more, my hands tremble, my breathing I cant control. I want to run so far away, but then I realise, I cant escape this, it isn't going to go away, and you cant escape yourself, I cant run away from me.
But then then I find myself again, be strong, your a big girl, you can do this, but mainly you have to do this, for yourself, your man & more importantly my baby girl.

After all we have been through why does this feel like the hardest one of all?

Is it because the death of my baby will always leave a question mark no matter what, even if there are answers, I know there will always be a question mark.

Life now has so many question marks, I went to the beach today, where we went and had our baby bump pictures taken, I walked the in the spot I walked in not too long ago, I remember how happy I was, it made me smile, but then I thought if only I knew what heartache was ahead of me, if I could have screamed at myself....if only I knew.

Would I change it...NO not in a million years, but the question mark will always remain.

I`ll check the post tomorrow maybe the letter will be there, maybe the question mark will have an answer, an answer to one question that is, why they took the most precious, important piece of my world away, but there will ALWAYS be more questions and ill always be waiting until the day I get to meet my baby girl again.

I Love you Kyla Sian always X x x

A part of you we can cherish forever X x x

How beautiful & perfect ARE you, where you...I hate saying past tense, I want to keep you here in the now, so its are you :-)

We are happy very happy, the lovely people from SANDS Rodney actually the AMAZING most kind hearted bravest people I have met, did your beautiful castings for you and us.
They have given us a part of you to cherish forever. What special people to do this in their own time, they came and held you and had cuddles with you, they said how beautiful you are & was so amazed by the amount of thick black hair that covered the back of your head. I didn't know they had been to see you, to do this after you came back from the coroner, it makes my heart fill with warmth to know you had cuddles, when I thought you was alone.
The casts brought me tears of joy just to be able to see your feet, all the creases and cracks and even your nails & how big your feet are, just like your mummy you had big feet and long toes.
Your little hands, wow, I can put my little finger in-between your thumb, its like your holding it.
I like to put your hand on my heart when I cry for you, I feel close to you when I do this.
Seeing your casts was great but very sad, it brings it all into reality, this is it, we just have memories now and there wont be any new ones just these ones, but these ones are the ones we will cherish for the rest of our lives always.

Now I wonder, the talk about the stages of grief, one of them is accepting, is this me accepting....I`m not sure, I know you have gone but it still doesn't feel right, my heart and body long for you & the pain I feel all day hurts, in a way maybe I`m stopping myself from accepting it....confusing times!

You would be 10 weeks old nearly, I think about you all the time, what would you be like, would your eyes have changed colour, what would it be like to bath you, how cute you would look in all your pink clothes, I think how cold it is in the house and that I would have 10 hats on you, 10 blankets wrapped around you, I wonder what Summer the woofter would be like with you (I think she would love you like crazy and be protective of you) , I just think about you....my girl.
You was my everything for so long, I fell in love with you when you was just a little spec on a screen, I watched you grow in my belly, read every week about how you was developing, I never really panicked because I thought you`d be ok, I thought we have made it, we will have our little family, you did so well growing in my belly, and I was so proud of you the way you fought all the way at the end, Kyla you gave us precious moments and sweet memories & we will cherish these and you always.

Stay safe my girl, we love you X X X

Smiler Kyla x x x

Hi My Angel

I`m having some really bad days at the moment, it`s so hard to get up in the morning & to try and doing anything....
I went to the supermarket yesterday and I was proud of myself for doing that, how funny I never imagined me to be anxious and scared to go anywhere, but that's me at the moment...is this is the new me...I hope not.
I`m taking tablets to help with the major anxiety I was getting after you was born, they are helping and helping me sleep so that's good but I don't want to depend on them, its not me! But people keep saying "Jemma, you have been through so much, you have had a tragedy and a tragic event happen to you" - & all I can think is yes I did, but its not real, its not really happening to me, I`m watching somebody else`s life...This isn't mine!! But it is and the pain...it hurts too much.

Why, why, why!!! My beautiful baby girl I miss you so much!

I started to put things in your glory box today, it hurt, I felt that I was putting you away, but I`m not baby, I never will, I just know I have to gradually start this process but I don't like it one bit.
I even managed to put your bassinet down, I could see it everyday from the front room, just there, looking like a beautiful crib waiting for a little baby, I have to remind myself that that's not happening, its just sat there catching dust.
As I was putting the basinet down, I thought my baby`s room will never look how it did, beautiful and perfect, all I will have is memories.
I hope in heaven you have a room like the one me & daddy had for you, your room was perfect just like you.

We are still waiting on the final COD, every day checking the mail box, everyday not knowing, I wish we could have answers maybe that will help us one day.

I read a blog the other day when I was feeling really low, a lady lost her baby boy, but in her sadness she also had happiness, she remembered the fun things that her little baby experienced in her belly, she was grateful that she got to hold her boy & kiss & cuddle him, and be his mummy.
It made me think I loved being pregnant with you Kyla, every little thing & feeling I experienced I loved & I thank you for those happy times, I thank you for your amazing scan where you smiled for me & daddy...amazing!! That picture is my favourite, we never got to hear you cry, or see your eyes open (even though I did open them and they blew me away, deep dark ocean blue sparkling eyes...I loved them) but we got to see you smile, smiling in my bell, how amazing and lucky are we too have that memory!!

And thank you for sending me a sign the other day, when granddad and me asked, I have never seen a baby butterfly ever, I couldn't believe it when I glanced and it was there, it was lovely. That made granddad happy as he and nana had to fly back to the UK that day so your sign made him smile.
I miss them & wish they where still here, but I know you will look down on them and watch over them with your angel wings, my beautiful daughter smiler Kyla :-) Love and miss you more than words can ever say.

X X  X

2 Months today, since you were taken away, my little Angel Kyla.
We miss you so much baby, I look at your picture`s everyday and still I cant believe this is real.

Why.........a question on many peoples minds, we are no closer to finding out, just waiting.
Checking the emails 100 times a day, checking the post box, waiting for a letter to tell us the COD, that's it a letter that tells us...maybe...why our angel baby was taken away too soon.
I just cant get my head around it, how can we go from being so happy to this empty, lost, physically & emotionally drained in every way, hating everything, everyday being such a challenge, how did we end up here!!
You was fully grown & healthy, what did I do wrong, I promised I would get you here safely, I`m sorry I failed.

Days are harder, this house is empty, trying to smile but dying inside.
I know I have to pull my self together & I will & I will get the strength, I`ll do it for my daughter my perfect angel baby.

X x x