A beautiful Rainbow Baby Boy hand picked by his sister in heaven

35 weeks & 5 days, 19th May 2015.
Our beautiful little rainbow baby made his safe arrival into the world.
Hand picked by his beautiful little angel sister in heaven.

Everyday I count my blessing for this little precious bundle we carry in our arms, I truly believe that his angel sister Kyla was with him every step of the way throughout this pregnancy, we had so many scares thinking we had lost him right at the start, bleeding the worst thing you really don't want to see when your pregnant. I said from the start I wanted this pregnancy to be totally different from Kyla's and my gosh was it! But I knew in my heart he was meant to be and his sister was there with him all the way.
To have life in my womb again, to feel his kicks and turns, knowing this is where his sister had grew and also slowly started to gain her angels wings was a beautiful blessing and the most frightening at the same time. I cant describe the fear I faced everyday, the stress, the pressure, the love I had already for this baby, the excitement, the hopes, the dreams, the reality of knowing that it could all be taken away just as it was with Kyla, this pregnancy was a pure mixture of happiness and fear, a long up and down roller-coaster with so many twists and turns, but the ending, a live baby, crying, breathing, life in him, a beating heart, beautiful eyes staring at us,our baby,our son,the rainbow through the storm, shinning bright, words cant even describe this! And I know I have his guardian angel to thank, my girl, I just know she made this happen and I know she made him strong enough, I feel she made this possible.
At 35 weeks, I had my usual midwife appointment, I happened to mention that I had itchy palms a little and that I felt I hadn't felt him as much as normal the day before, but I was doing my rainbow pregnancy photos so I just thought I hadn't been paying attention. As soon as I mentioned this I was sent for a scan, all was ok, he was fine, I was sent to the hospital for bloods and to be hooked up to the trace machine just to check on him, I was having contractions only small ones, so there was a lot going on, my fear and my anxiety kicked in majorly, all I could think was its happening again.
At the hospital I had to walk up to the birthing unit, hubby was at work so I made my way there and he was meeting me. I knew I had to walk up to the ward where I gave birth to my girl, I knew I had to walk past that room, the room where we all sat happy, full of excitement, not knowing the storm brewing was about to hit us hard, the room where her little lifeless body came into the world, I don't know how I did it, but I knew I had to be strong for my boy, he needed his mummy, auto pilot kicked in, I walked past that room with such a heavy heavy heart, pushing the fear and the memories away.
I went into a room which was identical to the room I was in labour in with Kyla, I had to block it out and somehow stop myself reliving it all. I think when I saw my heart rate and when I panicked my baby's heart rate went up too that kicked my ass into gear. I got monitored and sent home after a few hours, baby was ok, my contractions eased off, and my bloods had been taken, just had to wait on the results. The next night I woke up with intense itching, couldn't sleep, was so miserable and worried, I called my midwife next day explained about my itching, she called the hospital and they informed her I had cholestasis and I should go back so they can keep an eye on me and baby.
Seriously my heart sank, I just couldn't take any more, I cried and cried. Why was this happening, why was something going wrong again! I had so many opinions thrown at me about keeping the baby in until we reached 37 weeks at least, when we asked the question "what risk is their to our baby now" and heard the answer......your baby could die if the bile salts gets through the placenta.....we knew we had to get our baby out now. But yet we faced a fight, they didn't want to get our baby out, yet there was a risk to him, after everything we had already faced loosing Kyla, they put this on us.
Thank god to my amazing midwife, she contacted a OB who came too see us and said yes lets get your baby out, he's better out where if needed he can have the help, inside you is the danger.
My midwife and the OB I thank god everyday for these people, they made it possible, they got our baby boy out safely into the world.
We had a C-section on the 19h of May 2015 and at 9:04am our little boy came into the world, weighing a whopping 7.11lbs, and he cried! The one thing I longed to hear more than anything,was that cry, that was my greatest fear, when I heard it my heart I swear stopped and nothing but love poured into my heart for this miracle little boy.
He had thick black hair just like his sister, when I was taken to see him in NICU he was led in a incubator just next to where my girl had laid. I looked at him and he was her double, how could one corner be so painful and tear my world apart, yet where my boy laid there was hope and happiness, and our baby alive.

My boy top, my little angel bottom

Kyla taught me what real love is and so many lessons in those 9months and the past 18 months.
All the things that mattered before her, don't anymore, she has showed me so so much, and I'm forever grateful to be called her mummy, I'm grateful she is my daughter, and I will honour her and love her and carry her in my heart always.
Thank you my girl for giving me this beautiful little boy, thank you for helping get him here safely.

Having my rainbow baby hasn't healed my heart but he has brought us so so much, we smile real smiles again, we feel happiness, we have hopes and we have dreams. He is such a delight, every morning I pinch myself, is he real, is he ours, and yes he is, our boy, our world, our rainbow through the storm.

Life has given us this precious gift, to cherish and love, just as it did with Kyla X x x

Charlie O'Rourke

Week 30 - Rainbow baby

Week 30

9 More weeks to go!
I am so excited to meet this little rainbow of ours, but I am absolutely terrified beyond words.
Its all so surreal, my belly is massive, this little cheeky boy is so strong and his movements are like nothing I have ever seen, but I feel like I'm still walking in such a surreal world.
My world is full of excitement wanting more than anything to be a mummy to my earth baby, its my dream, its what we want more than anything, yet my world if full of what if's and trying to picture this little man coming into the world alive, its full of anxiety and fear.
I feel at the moment emotionally drained, physically done in, the finish line is drawing closer but yet it feels so far away, it feels like I wont make it.....
Trying to be positive is seeming impossible, some days are ok but some days I'm just overtaken with doubt.
I think to how happy we was just over a year ago, my belly huge, our future mapped out, no doubt, no fear, how did it come to loosing our girl.... & here I am a year later with a beautiful little boy in my belly but I'm filled with so much fear, can I get him here safely.... how can I be sure things are ok.
Its all so different from last time in everyway, is that good, is that bad.
I feel like crawling into a corner and hiding there until he's here, I don't want to put anyone through the pain of loosing someone so special and precious again, I'm so scared of that pain and seeing it again and seeing it in the faces of the people I love so much.
But why am I even thinking this!!!
Its that back and forward, fighting with the past and the future, trying too separate them, but sometimes falling into it, this is pregnancy after loss, your overtaken by what was and what happened, yet trying so much to be OK and believe it will be OK.
I'm so tiered from it all, I just want our little man here, alive in our arms.

Week 30 is a great milestone and I'm blessed and thankful to be here, and I know I have to pull everything that I have to keep positive and trust that this will be ok, for myself, my hubby and more importantly this little man. The next 9 weeks are going to be the toughest weeks of our lives, the unknown and the fear of the known.

28 weeks! 3rd Trimester!

Week  28 

Hello 3rd Trimester!
Hello constant anxiety & worry, well that's always been there but it seems to be stepping up a gear!
As the weeks are ticking by quite quickly, I guess the more real it all feels that my little man is going to be here soon.
My head is spinning thinking of everything and the one thing I cant stop thinking about it just getting him here safely. No matter how much reassurance it get, I cant stop the thoughts coming in.
It makes it so hard because Kyla was fine all the way through, she scored 8 out of 8 2 days before she was due, so its really hard to think ok he's ok, we have had a scan and all is good, because things where good last time!
But the c section date is all booked in now, and this is where its totally different, but still... I just want my baby to cry, I just want to hear his cry and see him wriggling.
What if things for me just go wrong at the end....its like the final hurdle, the major big step, breathe baby breathe, be alive.
I'm scared for him, he wont have the build up of being able to get ready like they do in labour as he'll just be pulled out, poor little thing, one minute he's in my belly the next he's out.
Urgh I just know to many stories now, I know too much of what can go wrong!
I cant wait to meet him, I just want him here safely in my arms.....alive.

Ok so what's been going on, in the last few weeks, I have felt him move like crazy! Totally different to what we felt with Kyla, I swear we will see his little foot inprint soon or his hand! He's awesome he pushes your hand up and down, and you can feel a little thing rolling around. I love it but it does feel crazy, not sure if its his knee or elbow, or even his hand!!
We had a quick scan a few days ago, we have our main 28 week one tomorrow to check on growth etc, and he was playing with his boy bits haha!! I nearly died when the guy scanning us said "oh he's being naughty and playing with his boy bits"....... really can they do that in the womb...is he going to be a big boy haha....I guess as he's kinda scrunched up he can find them easily.
So funny, that will be a moment for his 21st birthday!
My iron  levels are really low at 7 :( same as they was with Kyla. I don't like things being similar!
So I'm on the iron tablets and Iodine, Vitamin C & still on the aspirin.
They will be testing me for GBS soon which I'm so curious to know if it will show up or not....
Gosh I swear if I go into early labour and my waters break I will freak out.....all I will think is that the GBS is there and that's its going to get to him! Please don't let this happen, please!
As much a c section scares me, I cant go into labour I just cant, but I have a feeling I will for some reason, this is me where talking about, nothing goes to plan.

Its going to be a long 11 weeks, but hey time is ticking.
3RD trimester count down begins!

Your first angel anniversary

 

Your first birthday, special memoires created, tears, smiles and laughter all wrapped into your day.
Now I can breathe again, its over, we survived it, and we had such a special day for you.
I don't know how many balloons where sent to you my girl, me and daddy let some of at the beach for you, we left you little messages in a bottle and sent them off in the sea so you can go travel the world by the ocean, we had a picnic and a yummy chocolate cake!
We had friends back home letting balloons off and you got heaps from my family back home too.
They all got together and had a little party and got lots of balloons and sent them off to you too, it was so beautiful! Your little cousin Kaitlynn had a balloon too and sent that up above to where you are, she will ask me if you got it :) ill tell her you caught it.

Of course it wasn't what we imagined at all & it was a very hard day but I learnt to acknowledge the day remembering just you, how beautiful you are and how special and beautiful those 9 months where carrying you. All I had to do was remember you.
I didn't have to torture my self with the memoires, going through each part of that day, I've done that and re lived it too many times over, I now understand I don't have to keep putting my self back there.
What I can do is remember you for your beauty and hold onto that love you gave us and cherish that.
I don't have to live in the pain I have a choice and on your day my choice turned out to be the best one. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I day dreamed of you and held onto how much I love you and how much your mean to us.

I hope you saw it all my girl and was their with us.
I hope you caught all your balloons.
I hope you felt all our love.
Now and always.

X x x Mummy & Daddy X x x

The lead up to my angels 1st Birthday

Creating memoires for your first birthday.

I cant believe I'm sat here writing in your blog, uploading photos that just don't seem real.
I look at them and think why am I doing this, this isn't real.
But it is real, its a whole year in 2 days since you the most precious beautiful little girl entered and left this world.
You would be getting ready to celebrate your first birthday, you would be taking your first steps, you would be saying little words, you'd be growing super fast and me an daddy would be loving every single minute of it.
I should be planning your first birthday, but instead I'm releasing balloons up into heaven, imagining my little girl catching them, knowing there being sent with so much love from mummy and daddy.

As your day approaches my world still feels very unreal, its a little more balanced in a totally new way but I'm still trying to understand it and live and learn what its all about.

Mummy has been blessed this week with special people who are helping to celebrate your life.
We had on Tuesday a chocolate cake and attempted singing happy birthday to you through tears, we released some pink balloons to you to catch in heaven, you were given a mummy and baby bear from another angel mummy who knows to well this pain. It was a special time. And you came along with me, I sat you on the table with your cake, you sat with the balloons and I held you tightly as we sent them to you.

Today I took to you to the beach, where we had yummy cupcakes, chocolate ones and pink ones with butterflies on them, We had more balloons to send you and your angel friends & we had little boats that we wrote on and sent off into the sea for you. We laughed and had photos taken, creating memories to cherish forever. We sang happy birthday to you sat up in a lifeguard box, it was fun and special.
The girls wrote your name in the sand with glitter. It was another lovely way to celebrate you.

On Saturday me and daddy are going to another beach, we will have a picnic and more cake :)
We will send you more balloons, and we will talk about you and try our best to get through the day.
I don't want to see a clock that day, I don't want to remember bit by bit. I want to celebrate you as weird as that sounds, but I want to be thankful for the time we got to spend with you, those 9 months of watching you grow, those moments after that we held you and got to love you even more.
I want to celebrate what we have now and be thankful for everything you have taught us in this past year. Through the hurt and the pain the only thing that has shone on us is you. Your beauty and light help us through, no one else, just you my girl.

I hope your liking your little celebrations that we have had so far, just remember I will always be holding you close to me every day, I love you more than words will ever say.
I promise to live for you my girl and for your little brother who loves you just as much as we do.

X x x Eat cake and dance on the clouds my girl X x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 24 Rainbow baby Boy

Week 24

6 Months!!!! Its very nice to make it to another milestone. Although for me the milestone is actually getting this little boy here alive is the biggest milestone, each day and each week and each month is still a big deal. I know to much of what can go wrong at any time. So each day is a blessing, each moment spent with this little man wriggling around in my belly.....Blessing.
I had to go to the scan appointment on my own, which was a big thing. But I'm a big girl!!
Even though I wish my mummy was here with me :( Worse thing living on the other side of the world, most things if my hubby cant come I have to face on my own, and we all know there is no one better than  having your mum with you in times like this.
But the scan was great :), the lady who scanned me was lovely & she took her time to check everything. And you little buddy, beautiful!!! You was hiding your little face right down below, so I had to wiggle around to move you and thank you, you moved so we could see your face.
Funny as Kyla and this little one are in the exact same position!
He's beautiful! & Kyla he looks like you!!! I have a photo of the 2 of you, your both frowning on the scan hehe but wow the resemblance is there! You was 39 weeks Ky so full term but he really is looking like you!
How awesome my little angel if he's like you, I think he will have dark hair, and the same chubby cheeks. His nose is a little more turned up but he has another 14 weeks to grow so still some changes I'm sure.
This week has been ok, I think having a scan and seeing the little man and knowing all is ok helped a lot.
Now we just wait for the 28 week scan and the big appointment at the hospital.
Belly further growing & this heat is so draining, knocks me sick, but all worth it for this wee rainbow!

Rainbow baby - weeks 22 & 23

Week 22
Growing growing and growing! This little boy is going to be one big baby I think.
I'm so big! He's so strong! I have felt him since around 18 weeks even 15 weeks, little flutters here and there but wow at 22 weeks he's super strong. Pushes the remote when I place it on my belly, you can now actually see my belly moving and he's right up by my belly button. Not that I compare but we didn't see my belly moving like this with Kyla for ages, it panics me a little, but I know this is my second pregnancy so you do feel them earlier and its a boy so maybe he's just more active or stronger I'm not sure.

Anxiety levels are still here but this week especially with feeling him move often during the day have helped calm my nerves.

We took a big step and decided to go ahead and move our angels room around and make it our rainbow baby's room, shared with his angel sister but its his room.
I was a wreck thinking about changing things but we decided to go for it, so hubby painted one wall a gorgeous blue and we put some sticker decal on, and it looks so cool.
Walking in there now feels refreshing, it feels like it should be this way...which is weird.
Of course when it comes to hanging his clothes up and things I'm finding that difficult...is it too soon? shall we wait right till the end....  But I know there is no right time & I cant think that way.
He's ok right now so yes! I still haven't done it though.

Week 23
Ouch :( my belly is so big already and its causing me so many aches and pains, my hips hurt, my sides ache when sleeping on them, I'm sure I have pelvic griddle or whatever you call it!
Why do I feel guilty for complaining about this.... Its not the baby its just its hard and uncomfortable but that's ok, ill put up with anything as long as this little man gets here healthy that's all the matters.
So this week I had my MW appointment, and I was right this baby well my belly is measuring a few weeks ahead, so he's a big baba! They are sending me for the Glucose test next month the 2 hour one just to check its not diabetes, fingers crossed that's not the case and he's just big! He's getting stronger and stronger by the time I'm 30 weeks these kicks and hits are going to hurt haha! He is way above my belly button now aswell!
I feel really pregnant, heavily pregnant! Nearly 6 months so yey!!

Another big step we did this week, was getting our little girls things out and going through her clothes looking for all those natural colours to see what we could use. Luckily I found some things but not much. It was so hard looking at all these beautiful unworn girly clothes, knowing Kyla should have been in them! Instead they are in a sealed bag, packed away. I don't think I can ever bring myself to sell them. Then we had the cots sets and the bouncer/bean bag all the bigger things that are pink, these we don't have room for, so I had to move them on. Extremely hard steps to take.
And of  course it scares the crap out of me, I cant stop those thoughts creeping in, the mind thinking this could happen again, you could be selling these buying new blue things and you just don't know if this time it will be ok either, this is where I stop on moving forward with this rainbow baby, can I put myself and my hubby through this pain again....what if....what if....what if, No never I cant, we cant deal with anything going wrong!
But I have to move forward and try to carry on with some innocence, I have to do it for my boy. He deserves it.
So I plan to start and hang some things up in the next few weeks, and the image of Kyla's things hanging there stuck in time need to be put away, this little baby will be wearing the things I hang, I'll make sure of it!