Capture your grief - Day 22 - Self care

Capture your grief
Day 22 - Self care
Just be, just be how you feel on that day, take baby steps, take it easy, just breathe and just be however you want or need to be. ...
For me my self care is letting whatever I feel each day...just be....don't hide from it, don't be fake about it, don't always feel you have to mask it up your allowed to feel and do whatever is right for you. No one else knows what you need, only you.
So be kind your self & take care
Sunshine always helps for self care

 

Capture your grief - Day 21 - Relationship

Capture your grief
Day 21 - Relationship
From the day we found out I was pregnant our relationship formed with our baby, it grew and grew each day and week along with Kyla growing in my belly. ...
We would talk to her & sing to her, see her developing on all the scans, we started that amazing relationship between parent and child.
Even though Kyla isn't here with us, it doesn't mean our relationship isn't there, it is and it always will be, its just in a VERY different way.

 

Capture your grief - Day 20 - Breathe

Day 20 - Breathe

Breathing its simple right?
After Kyla I didn't k now what was happening, everyday I struggled to breath properly, my chest felt like it was caving in & it was like I couldn't get enough air....
I thought something was wrong with me.
Anxiety...that's what was happening to me, it started straight away, I just didn't know what is was.
So even breathing became difficult, I had to learn breathing techniques, to help me, sounds silly hey!
Inhale, exhale how hard can that be.
But now I know when you suffer from anxiety its hard, it can happened anytime, anywhere.

Inhale....Exhale...Inhale....Exhale....

Capture your grief - Day 19 - Give

Capture your grief

Day 19 - Give

All I want to give is knowledge to pregnant women on Group B strep, so they have the knowledge and the choice to request a test!
...

Group B Streptococcus, or Streptococcus agalactiae, is a type of bacteria that is naturally found in the digestive tract and birth canal in up to 1 in 4 pregnant women. Unfortunately, babies can be infected by GBS before birth and up to about 6 months of age due to their underdeveloped immune systems.

I don't want anyone else to have to suffer the loss of a perfect baby when such a simple test could possibly pick up the GBS and they get the antibiotic's during labour that are needed to protect baby.
At the moment all I can do is give advise and give people the knowledge I now have on GBS.

http://www.groupbstrepinternational.org/what-is-group-b-strep/

http://gbss.org.uk/what-is-gbs/for-pregnant-women/

Capture your grief - Day 18 Gratitude

Capture your grief
Day 18 - Gratitude
Forever I will be thankful to my little girl. I wish so much that I could change things and have you here with me and your daddy, but I'm so very thankful that I held you every step of your life, I'm so thankful that you held on somehow for those precious 16 hours and that I got to kiss your face, and hold you into me, and be your mummy....
Through this heartache you gave me so much more than I could ever have asked for.
I'm forever thankful to you Kyla, my daughter.
You have changed me in so many ways & showed my the true meaning of being a mummy and that pure love a parent has for their child, I am so proud & thankful that you choose me to be your mummy X

 

Capture your grief - Day 17 Explore

Capture your grief

Day 17 - Explore

I choose this picture as it captures my world now.....I have no option but to explore my grief which I am now learning isn't always such a bad thing.
Its what I have to do, I have to explore into this... unknown place which at the moment is my world, I'm grieving, every second, every minute & every hour of every day.
And through exploring my grief, I'm exploring myself and my new world, its all changed, the exploring is very hard but its made me explore so many different things and so many different people and this part of the exploring has helped & is helping me through my journey of grief for my beautiful angel

 

 

 

Capture your grief Day 15 & 16

Capture your grief

Day 15 - Community
Day 16 - Retreat

Community - This is where I'm so thankful for social sites! ...
Through social sites I have come across quite a few support groups for bereaved parents. These special community's are a great support for us angel mummy's & I'll be forever grateful that they are here for us.
Especially Sands!! I have met some amazing people thanks to Sands and now have some great support.

Retreat - In all honesty my home is my retreat, for me loosing Kyla especially in the beginning made me afraid of the world, to me it had all changed & it became a scary place, some where I didn't want to be.
My home is my place where I feel safe, I can feel and be how I want to be, I didn't have to confront my fears off the outside world.
Now in the following months I'm in a bot of a different place and the outside world isn't as scary, but my home is my retreat, my place, where I can retreat to & just be.

 

 

 

Capture your grief - Day 14 Light/ Dark

Capture your grief

Day 14 - Dark/light

Straight away you are thrown into the darkness of grief.
You can't see any light, it's like all the lights in the world have gone and you are trapped in the darkness....
Slowly though little by little each light is turned back on, maybe it's a bit dimmer in some areas but brighter in other areas & you start to step into a new light.
Every morning I try and I have to force my self to step out into the light of life, today I did just that, and today the darkness lifted a little more and I saw more light today.

Capture your giref - Day 12 & 13

Capture your grief

Day 12 - Music
Day 13 - Seasons

Music has played a massive part in my healing after loss, I probably drive my neighbours mental with my songs on repeat but music is my outlet I guess. I can sing and dance or break d...own and cry.
My favourite song for my girl is Sarah McLachlan In the arms of an angel.
I actually hadn't heard if before Kyla, its so beautiful and I it.
Every time I hear it all I think is Ky being in the arms of an angel, it makes me happy to think she is.

Seasons come around so fast! My favourite season is spring, when everything starts changing, the sun starts shinning and life starts to emerge again.
I love seeing the leafs coming back and the colours of life all around us.
I dreamt last spring being 4/5 months pregnant of playing with Kyla and taking her to all these amazing places, the parks, the beaches, having family time and watching her grow. My dreams are still there
Plus it means summer is coming and that means BBQ`S and drinking a lot more 

 

 

Capture your grief - Day 11 - Altar

Capture your grief

Day 11 - Altar

These are our little corners/places of love for our little angel, wouldn't class it as an alter nor a shine.
But little pieces of our baby scattered around our home to show her off to the world and keep her close to us always .

Capture your grief - Day 10 - Support

Capture your grief

Day 10 - Support

This photo was taken at Auckland Airport, my amazing parents travelled all the way from the UK 2 weeks before Kyla was due. They where so happy they got to see me pregnant & see Kyla kicking and moving away, they got a little bonding time with her ...
My mum and dad have been my rock through out this, their strength and support in those darkest days I can never thank them enough for. They helped me to go out into the world again, they helped me to smile and laugh and have faith again.
They taught me so much and helped and continue to help me everyday, even from the other side of the world they are here for me every single day.
I am truly blessed to have you guys and we love you more than words will ever say!
Kyla has the best grandparents, I so wish it was different but I thank for your support then and now!
Love you heaps X x x

 

Capture your grief - Day 9 - Remembrance

Capture your grief
Day 9 - In Remembrance
We created a special place inside and out, a place where we can sit and remember our little angel. In her room we have photos, we have her beautiful pink box full of our memories that we where lucky enough to get in such a short amount of time, her hospital things, lockets of her hair, scan photos.

Outside we created a little garden, it looks awesome at night all the solar lights surround it, its peaceful.
And the teddy is my girl, it carry's her wee ashes in the back
To this day it's so surreal, one minute she was in my belly, then in my arms & now she is in a urn in the back of a teddy, at least in a way I can still hug her tight.

 

Capture your grief - Day 7 - Sacred place

Capture your grief
Day 7 - sacred place

This is my Kyla corner
Its sacred to me in so many ways, this is where we sang to her many times in my belly, watched her kicking and moving around, watch my belly grow knowing our little girl was in there growing beautifully.
Now it's like my reflecting place, my peaceful place, I'm surrounded by her in this corner, it makes me feel close to her in ways.
It's my sacred place

 

 

Capture your grief - Day 6

Capture your grief
Day 6 - Books

Ok so this one is a little light hearted for today.
I was given this book from lovely work Mates, it's really funny & makes me giggle.
Of course I never would have read it to Kyla but it is a light hearted funny book & for today for capture your grief I hope this one can raise a little smile as i know we all need to smile an laugh through this hard emotionally draining journey

Capture your grief - Day 5 - Journal

Capture your grief
Day 5 - journal
When I found out I was pregnant my bestie bought me this journal, to write down all about being pregnant & too capture special parts of the pregnancy.
The beginning of the journal I can't even read anymore it hurts too much now, when Kyla died I moved to the back of the journal to capture my grief journey. Funny how the beginning is full of hopes and dreams and the back is the raw pain of loosing her. ...
I added the photo showing my last words while kyla was happy & healthy still in my belly which was written only 2 days before Kyla was born. Breaks my heart reading it, I had no idea it would end this way.

 

Capture your grief - Day 4 - Now

Capture your grief
Day 4 - Now
Now...now we are broken, now we know pure pain, now we have a beautiful daughter who is our world even though she isn't here, now we have an angel baby who lives with us everyday in our hearts, now we have a huge part of us missing and this will our forever.
Now we fight for our rights and we know now about Group B strep and spreading the word to prevent little babies lives from being taken way to soon. ...
Now we are wiser, we are braver, we are stronger, we are surviving.
We know not too take life our anything for granted, we are scared of what can happen and we know too well how it can all fall apart in the blink of an eye.
We know now what and who matters to us but out of it all we now know the amazing people who are in our lives that have stood by us and helped us to see a little light at the end of this very dark tunnel & we know how to appreciate our family and friends more than ever and how blessed we are to have them all.
Now there are 3 of us, only one has wings and watches us from above, and will always fill our hearts with nothing but pure love.

 

Capture your grief - Day 3 - Before

Capture your grief
Day 3 - Before

 

I love this photo, it was taken not long before we became pregnant, this was us before, before we knew pure heartache, before we knew what it felt like to have your world torn apart, we were innocent to grief and loss, we smiled true smiles, we had hopes and dreams that no one could shatter, we knew no real pain,we lived and loved life everyday.
I look back and think how innocent we was, we had no idea what our future held, I know we never in a million years imagined this.
One thing I love in this photo is just us, me and my hubby, one thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him and how he can still make me smile like this.

Capture your Grief - October 2014 - Day 2 - Heart

Capture your grief - This is I'm hoping a great healing event for the whole month of October.
October is Baby loss & infant loss awareness month and hopefully in taking part this helps raising awareness and helps me on my grief journey and my healing.

 

 

I missed day 1 which was a sunrise, so here is my day 2.

Day 2 - Heart

I have included this photo as a year ago today we found out our little bump was a baby girl, most happiest day of our lives.
I dreamed of dressing her in cute little outfits & having that amazing mother & daughter relationship just like my mum and me have & seeing Layton with his little Daughter his pride and joy his world. Happy memoires and happy dreams.