I have learnt that the pain never goes away, & that is something I hate knowing.
But at the same time if someone said they could take it away, I wouldn't want them to.
That would mean taking you away my baby, erasing you, & that is something I never want to do.
But does it get easier, this is something that leaves the ? mark.
I thought with time, from what I have read and heard, that time helps, time helps you to heal a little, never fully but you start to heal and it starts to get easier.
I can honestly say since the day you gained your angel wings, it hasn't got easier.
I know it was only in March, 6 months ago, but I thought it would start to get a little easier.....
It's not happening. Its frustrates me so much.
I want to live my life and be happy again, and I keep trying, but I always get knocked back down to this empty, lost, hurt, lonely feeling.
Learning to live with this sucks! Learning to live a new normal sucks!
I keep being tested and tested, and I feel if I am tested anymore I will break.
I don't want sympathy or pity, I'm just trying to learn to live without you, but its so hard & its not getting any easier, I try and try, and then something else flows me and knocks me again.
Your little cousin arrived into the world, I remember when my brother told me they where expecting, I was 6 months pregnant, & so happy! I couldn't wait, I was so excited, I had it all planned out in my mind, me and you would go home back to the UK, I could show you off to my family and friends & you could meet your little cousin.
But it hasn't gone that way, its thrown me and took me back to that day of loosing you, reminded me of how it should be, and pulled me into reality of how my life is.
She looks like you. She has the hair line, the black hair, the button nose, she looks like you, my baby, who has died...she looks like you.
I just didn't expect that, I knew she may have black hair, but to resemble you, has just shocked me.
It sounds silly, she's my niece, why wouldn't she look like you, why didn't I think this, prepare my self, I prepared myself for the black hair, but not the rest.
I Love her very much but she reminds me of you, & at the moment that's to raw for me, its too much for me.
I want to fly home and go see her, I want to pick her up and cuddle her,& just stare at her & love her, But at the same time I'm frightened of her.....
One day I know I'll be able to watch her and ill take comfort in knowing that you would be like her, but right now, it hurts me, and makes me see what I'm missing, I'm missing my girl, I just miss you so much Kyla.
Its such a hard time for me right now, it shouldn't be like this.
But I'm being tested again, I know ill get back on my feet, I wish I could run to that time, but for now ill wobble again & I just pray for better times.
Hopefully our rainbow baby is waiting for us, not that a baby would take any of this away but we want to have a family....maybe when I have our baby alive, crying and moving in my arms, maybe then it will get easier....?
Will it??
I don't know
Only time will tell
Oh well baba, mummy loves you, I hope you can see me, I hope you are around us, we need you my baby.
Its fathers day tomorrow, I got a card from you to daddy. I told him how this time last year you was in mummy's belly and how much you was looking forward to being in his arms this time.
He misses you like crazy, and he loves you oh so much.
I hope you walk with us on this next journey, mummy needs your hand to hold.
