Its nearly Christmas, this will be your first Christmas! 9 months old, crawling around, giggling and gooing, wearing your first Christmas outfit, presents stacked under the Christmas tree, not really understanding what's going on but your happy and beautiful and Mummy and Daddy are so happy too.
Dreams, wishes and imagining.....is all I can do.
This time last year you was 7 months old in mummy's belly, we had so much to look forward too, we had all these dreams of you that would soon be a reality, I played out Christmas in my head, imagined what we would be doing, what we would be doing with you, how special this Christmas would be with our little smiling Kyla.
Only this Christmas I find myself imagining again, but imagining having you here at Christmas is something that will never be a reality, I can try and imagine, I can dream and I can wish but that's all I can do again as I know it will never happen.
It breaks my heart everyday not having you here, we miss you so much.
Why is all I can say....Why us....why you.
This Christmas should have been the best Christmas the only present I wanted is you.
I bought you a baby's first bauble and a little pink Christmas tree, I hope you like them, it still feels so unreal doing any of this, buying a bauble when your not here, putting a tree up for you on my own, when you should be here.
They say time is a healer...really a healer....there's never a day that goes by that I don't hurt with missing you, then there is a special occasion that we have to face, there's always something that makes it hard.
Going around the shops, the busy malls, baby's & prams, mothers & fathers, happiness and families everywhere....it feels so lonely and a constant reminder of what is missing.
But I know there are many other people that walk in the same shoes, who are hurting and dying inside but that mask of grief is put on so to the world no one knows, its only if you stopped and looked you would see the pain, but we don't look for that, all we see is happiness and what we want in others. Its a crazy world!
I know that heaven will be having an amazing Christmas, your little angel friends will be there with you playing, you'll be sang carols and given presents, you'll be wrapped in the arms of the angels, you'll be loved by the people who are no longer here.
Just know whatever you do and where ever you are...Mummy & Daddy love you so much & we miss you more than words could ever say, we will be thinking of you on Christmas day angel, I'll be imagining you, your face, your hair, your smile, your personality, ill be thinking of it all and dreaming and wishing.
Thank you for your very special present as well my girl, I know you helped with this one!
Love you 4eva and miss you always X x x x X
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