I`m finding since loosing Kyla, the best way to remember our story and journey and actually the only thing I can do is be creative, and what I like most is powerful images and the feelings & story behind them.
So here we go, week one:
A letter to my angel ,
Hi my gorgeous baby girl, I hope your ok, wherever you are.....
In my Nana's arm a physic told me, you be good baby girl & give Nana a kiss from me.
Mummy & daddy miss you so much, our heart aches for you every day.
I think about you and imagine you every single day, just like I did when I first found out about you.
Me & daddy was so happy when we found out we was finally pregnant, it took a long time to get you in mummy's belly and we had to make big decisions along the way, but we knew we wanted a baby and we wouldn't stop until we got you.
I`m so happy and proud that we did & I`m so happy it was you.
My beautiful girl.
Mummy`s friend bought me a diary to write in for you, so when you was older you could read all about being in mummy`s belly.
Every week I would tell you how I was feeling, and how my body was changing, and how my belly was growing. I wrote about your first movements, I loved feeling you move. I wrote about your scans and how much I worried all the time, and it always turned out to be nothing. I would finish everything off with, stay strong baby and keep doing what your doing, mummy will get you here safely.
You did so well Kyla, you grew big & strong, me & daddy just loved everything, seeing you on the scans, & we thank you for that beautiful smile you gave us on your 29 week 4d scan, I think you did that just for us.
Those 9 months where the happiest me and daddy had been for a while, and it was because of you.
Your was our everything from the start & you still are.
I`m just so sorry that right at the end ,it all went wrong. You was big a girl, & mummy was 1 week and 1 day over your due date, Nana and granddad came from the UK just for you, so they could see you come into this world. I hope you know we was all there baby, me & daddy really thought wow this is it, we are going to be parents our little girl is on her way.
Little did we know how it was all going to change and we would be putting you to sleep for ever, we wouldn't have sleepless nights, we wouldn't be putting you in your bassinet, we wouldn't be changing you, feeding you, we wouldn't be doing anything. Please know sweetie we looked forward to doing it all, we couldn't wait, we really couldn't wait to meet you & hold you, kiss you and love you forever.
I`d give my last breath to put it into you, and give you the life you should be living.
I`m sorry that it finished this way. I had no idea when I was giving birth to you that things wasn't ok, nobody did angel. Everything was going perfect, so we all thought.
Mummy had a infection, an infection I had never heard off until recently. I hope they didn't hurt you on your post-mortem, Ky I`m sorry you had to travel alone, I`m sorry I couldn't go with you. But we needed to know what happened babe, you was so perfect it didn't make sense....
When mummy was in the water and I gave that last push, I remember everyone saying well done, she`s here, she beautiful. Words will never describe what I felt in that moment, I was so happy, so exhausted and all I had to do was turn around and look at you, I was a mum, you was here.
When I saw you baby girl, you blew me away, your beauty was beyond words...I felt something I have never felt, and that was pure love for you.
Mummy waited for you to move, I really thought you would. When they took you in the next room I thought I would hear you cry. I know Its not my fault but I cant help but just want to tell you that I`m sorry. I want to thank you though my beautiful girl, I`m thankful that I got you for those precious 16 hours, I just hope you wasn't in pain. It was the hardest decision of our lives to take you off life support, but I knew you`d gone, mummy knew you had already gone, Your eyes never opened and when the doctor opened them for you, I saw you had gone. I knew it was the right thing for you.
When I first held you, I cried all over you, but I was so happy to hold you in my arms, I had imagined that moment so many times, what I didn't imagine was holding you until your angel wings came.
But mummy was with you and daddy was too, and both nana`s and granddads.
Your little lips where perfect, and your nose so cute, your hair, you had so much of it, was so thick just like mummy's, you where my double baby girl, your was so so beautiful, I could have stayed in that moment with you forever.
Just know I will always fight for you and fight for what took you, Group B strep, so simply fixed, if only I knew, if only we knew, it may have changed the whole story. We will protect other people though now babe, we will make sure they know and make sure they get tested.
I just wish someone had told me, so maybe I could have protected you.
Me & daddy and all of you family, especially Summer your doggy all love you so much Kyla.
Your our first baby, our girl, our daughter, your our world, even though your far away in a different place,you are our world still. We will carry you with us forever, and hold you in our hearts.
You have changed so many people, me & daddy and everyone, your beauty and short life have changed us forever, I`ll be forever grateful and proud of you and so happy to say your my daughter. You changed me for the best & I`ll live my life the best I can for you.
I really wish you was here, I have so much love for you, we would have done so many things, we would have given you the best.
I'll be forever sorry, but I know you`ll walk with mummy and daddy forever.
Night night my baby girl, I`ll see you soon ok, come visit mummy whenever you want ok, I`ll be here missing you and loving you always.
X x x Stay safe X x x
Twinkle Twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are.
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