Broken a litte bit more

I didn't think that I could break anymore , I thought my heart was shattered, so it couldn't break anymore, but I know these last few days its shattered even more.
I'm frustrated that this is my life, full of heartache and disappointment.
We keep trying to stay afloat, we keep hoping and holding on, we keep believing, but we keep losing, no matter how hard we try, this dark ass cloud keeps following us around, hanging above us, we see a glimmer of hope, but it doesn't last long.
Why cant the sun stay shinning on us.....what did we do so wrong!

I am not the person who goes down the self pity path, if I do I don't plan on staying there for long.
But what happens when the next steps you take just end up hurting you again, trying to pick your self up time after time, how can you get off the path....? how long can you keep doing it for?
I lost you Kyla, my world.
Wasn't that enough!
The best thing that ever happened to me was taken so quickly & I just don't know if we will ever get back to the path of happiness, every time we come close it gets taken away just as quick.
I`m so close to giving up, I want to fight but when I do, when I fight back, I get knocked over.

5 months ago our world fell apart and it hasn't stopped since.
All we want is to have a family, why is that now becoming the biggest challenge of our life's.
I don't want it to be our sole focus, I`m tiered, over 6 years of trying for a baby and then 3 years ago being told something devastating, that put us into the most difficult position and meant we had to make the biggest decision of our life and go through fertility treatment and for it to keep ending in tragedy....why!!!!
I don't know where to go at the moment, what do we do, do we give up....we cant and we wont but its a shit shit time!!!
Our funding has run out for the IUI treatment, the first one we did a few months ago didn't work, but we had one left.
Everything banked on it taking, if it didn't then we either wait another whole year for the funding to become available or we pay a stupid amount of money to try and make it happen.
We only have one wage coming in, I`m struggling with the whole going back to work thing, I`m still in the midst of grieving for my girl, and still focusing on having a baby, a baby that can stay here on earth with us.
Its tiring IUI, I know its nothing compared to IVF & I`m thankful at the moment I don't have to go there, but getting bloods taken everyday and then going through the IUI, then waiting the anguishing 2 weeks to see if where pregnant, its exhausting!
But I guess at least we have this option hey.
What is killing me right now is that the 2nd go worked, we got pregnant......
But as I write this, I`m currently I guess miscarrying, very early days, but It worked we got pregnant, but something went wrong and my body is saying no.
For me its nothing compared to loosing Kyla, Kyla was a full term baby, who was perfect and died due to something so stupid so its totally different.
Its so early with this one that i didn't hear the heart beat and I didn't see the scan, but it still hurts.
To start thinking Oh we are pregnant, maybe this is our miracle. But no.
I just feel yet again my body has failed me, my husband feels like he has failed me and now I keep feeling like I`m failing him.
Why are we being tortured!!! Even finding out about this last IUI, it has been a week of torture for us.
First the call saying your pregnant but your HCG levels are low so we need to get your bloods done again in 3 days & make sure they rise, but the next day I`m bleeding, not heaps but I`m bleeding.
I get told oh that doesn't sound good, your probably having a early mc, so we had a weekend of thinking that, only to be told on Monday that the levels have risen like they should so its looking good, but oh no.....the bleeding carry's on, teasing us, bloods get done yesterday and levels have dropped, still classed as pregnant due to the hormone level but I'm miscarrying.
So I'm sat here cramping, thinking really...is this really happening!!!!
I feel like where one of those couples doomed. The couple you look at and just feel sorry for.
I don't want to be them!!!
I know we have options and I know one day it will be ok.
But right now, after building ourselves up that little bit in the last 5 months, we`ve just been shattered again.

Giving up is all I have at the moment.

Re build, re focus. But for today all I see and feel is emptiness and I`m broken again.


I left myself believe for only a moment, but I left my self believe of our baby, Kyla`s little brother or sister, being in the room, in the cot.

But I guess it will remain....empty.

Life lessons

Wow am I learning some life lessons through loosing you my baby girl.

People are so different and this journey is showing me the true colours of people.
The people who you believe will be there but when it comes to it....they just aren't.
The people who take offence because you cant be there for them because their grieving too but seem to not understand that it happen to us where in immense grief,it was our child, our baby,our life.

Are we all that wrapped up in our own selfish little world....that we cant see the hurt and the pain....that we cant see that the people we love,the people we call family are their needing us.
Is it that they don't want to be part of the grief...they don't want to interrupt there so called perfect little life, and just be there for us.....is it that hard!
Can they not see the pain in our eyes, do they not understand that we cant go back to how it was, its not that easy, where taking baby steps in everything we do, is it that hard to see?

I question myself and think how would I have reacted, if someone close to me loss such a precious gift, would I just turn after the funeral , after a few weeks have passed, would I just turn and walk away??
I don't think I would, I don't think I could.

Would I question them for not visiting me anymore?
Would I question them because I feel there being distance with me?

In my eyes that's selfishness, there thinking of themselves, and not thinking of us.
Or am I wrong am I being selfish? should I be contacting everyone, should I be visiting everyone?
No I just lost my baby, it was only 5 months ago!!!

Do they not understand, that we went from blissful happiness to absolute heartache and despair?
Our world has changed, completely changed.

Where in a hole, which is dark and lonely, we can see a tiny bit of light, where trying to crawl our way up & out of this hole, but the soil and the dirt keeps falling back in around us, we are tired and scared and lost, but where trying our best to get out, but its a big hole and it will take us a very long time to get out, we probably wont ever fully get out.

No one knows what to say, no one knows to do, I feel like screaming "YOU don't know what to say?!! Do you think we have the words for this!"
Is it about words no, its about understanding and being there.
But this is where the problem lies, either people are too wrapped up in there own bubble, or the lack of awareness around child loss & grief is truly not spoken off & is this what people prefer?? Silence.

                                                    I had a baby, her name is Kyla Sian X

                                                       This is who I am...right now.....

                                                           
                                                             And sadly this is true.....