A nightmare, the worst nightmare you could ever imagine, and its on repeat, playing over and over & over. Every part of it you grasp onto, questioning, re living, not wanting to forgot, not wanting to remember.
I will never forgot that moment that turned from the most happiest moment of my life to the worst moment of my life, which i hate saying because there is nothing about my girl that is a nightmare its the events that took place, the greif that gripped my life and pulled it apart, its holding her in my arms while she slipped away yet i had only just saw her sweet precious beautiful little heart flickering away before the whole thing began.
Being told that there was nothing that could be done and that the best thing was to take her of life support as there was no hope, making that desicion to take her off, none of it felt real like i was wathcing somebodys else's life crashing around them getting glimpses now and again...
oh no its me its us, its our baby girl lying their.
Leaving that hospital without her, coming home to a emtpy house, a perfect babys girls room sat there empty, a hospital bag full of new born baby girls clothes, knowing that nothing none of this was ever going to be worn or used, that feeling i cant even describe i dont have the words for how that felt.
I think this image shows it best, in her room, sat on the chair i should have been feeding and rocking her in, looking at a box that contained the only things from the hospital that touched her, the only sweet precious memories we had, holding a teddy that was now my baby as it has her ashes in the back, that raw feeling of emptiness.
EMPTY is how it felt. 
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