28 weeks! 3rd Trimester!

Week  28 

Hello 3rd Trimester!
Hello constant anxiety & worry, well that's always been there but it seems to be stepping up a gear!
As the weeks are ticking by quite quickly, I guess the more real it all feels that my little man is going to be here soon.
My head is spinning thinking of everything and the one thing I cant stop thinking about it just getting him here safely. No matter how much reassurance it get, I cant stop the thoughts coming in.
It makes it so hard because Kyla was fine all the way through, she scored 8 out of 8 2 days before she was due, so its really hard to think ok he's ok, we have had a scan and all is good, because things where good last time!
But the c section date is all booked in now, and this is where its totally different, but still... I just want my baby to cry, I just want to hear his cry and see him wriggling.
What if things for me just go wrong at the end....its like the final hurdle, the major big step, breathe baby breathe, be alive.
I'm scared for him, he wont have the build up of being able to get ready like they do in labour as he'll just be pulled out, poor little thing, one minute he's in my belly the next he's out.
Urgh I just know to many stories now, I know too much of what can go wrong!
I cant wait to meet him, I just want him here safely in my arms.....alive.

Ok so what's been going on, in the last few weeks, I have felt him move like crazy! Totally different to what we felt with Kyla, I swear we will see his little foot inprint soon or his hand! He's awesome he pushes your hand up and down, and you can feel a little thing rolling around. I love it but it does feel crazy, not sure if its his knee or elbow, or even his hand!!
We had a quick scan a few days ago, we have our main 28 week one tomorrow to check on growth etc, and he was playing with his boy bits haha!! I nearly died when the guy scanning us said "oh he's being naughty and playing with his boy bits"....... really can they do that in the womb...is he going to be a big boy haha....I guess as he's kinda scrunched up he can find them easily.
So funny, that will be a moment for his 21st birthday!
My iron  levels are really low at 7 :( same as they was with Kyla. I don't like things being similar!
So I'm on the iron tablets and Iodine, Vitamin C & still on the aspirin.
They will be testing me for GBS soon which I'm so curious to know if it will show up or not....
Gosh I swear if I go into early labour and my waters break I will freak out.....all I will think is that the GBS is there and that's its going to get to him! Please don't let this happen, please!
As much a c section scares me, I cant go into labour I just cant, but I have a feeling I will for some reason, this is me where talking about, nothing goes to plan.

Its going to be a long 11 weeks, but hey time is ticking.
3RD trimester count down begins!

Your first angel anniversary

 

Your first birthday, special memoires created, tears, smiles and laughter all wrapped into your day.
Now I can breathe again, its over, we survived it, and we had such a special day for you.
I don't know how many balloons where sent to you my girl, me and daddy let some of at the beach for you, we left you little messages in a bottle and sent them off in the sea so you can go travel the world by the ocean, we had a picnic and a yummy chocolate cake!
We had friends back home letting balloons off and you got heaps from my family back home too.
They all got together and had a little party and got lots of balloons and sent them off to you too, it was so beautiful! Your little cousin Kaitlynn had a balloon too and sent that up above to where you are, she will ask me if you got it :) ill tell her you caught it.

Of course it wasn't what we imagined at all & it was a very hard day but I learnt to acknowledge the day remembering just you, how beautiful you are and how special and beautiful those 9 months where carrying you. All I had to do was remember you.
I didn't have to torture my self with the memoires, going through each part of that day, I've done that and re lived it too many times over, I now understand I don't have to keep putting my self back there.
What I can do is remember you for your beauty and hold onto that love you gave us and cherish that.
I don't have to live in the pain I have a choice and on your day my choice turned out to be the best one. I laughed, I cried, I smiled, I day dreamed of you and held onto how much I love you and how much your mean to us.

I hope you saw it all my girl and was their with us.
I hope you caught all your balloons.
I hope you felt all our love.
Now and always.

X x x Mummy & Daddy X x x

The lead up to my angels 1st Birthday

Creating memoires for your first birthday.

I cant believe I'm sat here writing in your blog, uploading photos that just don't seem real.
I look at them and think why am I doing this, this isn't real.
But it is real, its a whole year in 2 days since you the most precious beautiful little girl entered and left this world.
You would be getting ready to celebrate your first birthday, you would be taking your first steps, you would be saying little words, you'd be growing super fast and me an daddy would be loving every single minute of it.
I should be planning your first birthday, but instead I'm releasing balloons up into heaven, imagining my little girl catching them, knowing there being sent with so much love from mummy and daddy.

As your day approaches my world still feels very unreal, its a little more balanced in a totally new way but I'm still trying to understand it and live and learn what its all about.

Mummy has been blessed this week with special people who are helping to celebrate your life.
We had on Tuesday a chocolate cake and attempted singing happy birthday to you through tears, we released some pink balloons to you to catch in heaven, you were given a mummy and baby bear from another angel mummy who knows to well this pain. It was a special time. And you came along with me, I sat you on the table with your cake, you sat with the balloons and I held you tightly as we sent them to you.

Today I took to you to the beach, where we had yummy cupcakes, chocolate ones and pink ones with butterflies on them, We had more balloons to send you and your angel friends & we had little boats that we wrote on and sent off into the sea for you. We laughed and had photos taken, creating memories to cherish forever. We sang happy birthday to you sat up in a lifeguard box, it was fun and special.
The girls wrote your name in the sand with glitter. It was another lovely way to celebrate you.

On Saturday me and daddy are going to another beach, we will have a picnic and more cake :)
We will send you more balloons, and we will talk about you and try our best to get through the day.
I don't want to see a clock that day, I don't want to remember bit by bit. I want to celebrate you as weird as that sounds, but I want to be thankful for the time we got to spend with you, those 9 months of watching you grow, those moments after that we held you and got to love you even more.
I want to celebrate what we have now and be thankful for everything you have taught us in this past year. Through the hurt and the pain the only thing that has shone on us is you. Your beauty and light help us through, no one else, just you my girl.

I hope your liking your little celebrations that we have had so far, just remember I will always be holding you close to me every day, I love you more than words will ever say.
I promise to live for you my girl and for your little brother who loves you just as much as we do.

X x x Eat cake and dance on the clouds my girl X x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 24 Rainbow baby Boy

Week 24

6 Months!!!! Its very nice to make it to another milestone. Although for me the milestone is actually getting this little boy here alive is the biggest milestone, each day and each week and each month is still a big deal. I know to much of what can go wrong at any time. So each day is a blessing, each moment spent with this little man wriggling around in my belly.....Blessing.
I had to go to the scan appointment on my own, which was a big thing. But I'm a big girl!!
Even though I wish my mummy was here with me :( Worse thing living on the other side of the world, most things if my hubby cant come I have to face on my own, and we all know there is no one better than  having your mum with you in times like this.
But the scan was great :), the lady who scanned me was lovely & she took her time to check everything. And you little buddy, beautiful!!! You was hiding your little face right down below, so I had to wiggle around to move you and thank you, you moved so we could see your face.
Funny as Kyla and this little one are in the exact same position!
He's beautiful! & Kyla he looks like you!!! I have a photo of the 2 of you, your both frowning on the scan hehe but wow the resemblance is there! You was 39 weeks Ky so full term but he really is looking like you!
How awesome my little angel if he's like you, I think he will have dark hair, and the same chubby cheeks. His nose is a little more turned up but he has another 14 weeks to grow so still some changes I'm sure.
This week has been ok, I think having a scan and seeing the little man and knowing all is ok helped a lot.
Now we just wait for the 28 week scan and the big appointment at the hospital.
Belly further growing & this heat is so draining, knocks me sick, but all worth it for this wee rainbow!

Rainbow baby - weeks 22 & 23

Week 22
Growing growing and growing! This little boy is going to be one big baby I think.
I'm so big! He's so strong! I have felt him since around 18 weeks even 15 weeks, little flutters here and there but wow at 22 weeks he's super strong. Pushes the remote when I place it on my belly, you can now actually see my belly moving and he's right up by my belly button. Not that I compare but we didn't see my belly moving like this with Kyla for ages, it panics me a little, but I know this is my second pregnancy so you do feel them earlier and its a boy so maybe he's just more active or stronger I'm not sure.

Anxiety levels are still here but this week especially with feeling him move often during the day have helped calm my nerves.

We took a big step and decided to go ahead and move our angels room around and make it our rainbow baby's room, shared with his angel sister but its his room.
I was a wreck thinking about changing things but we decided to go for it, so hubby painted one wall a gorgeous blue and we put some sticker decal on, and it looks so cool.
Walking in there now feels refreshing, it feels like it should be this way...which is weird.
Of course when it comes to hanging his clothes up and things I'm finding that difficult...is it too soon? shall we wait right till the end....  But I know there is no right time & I cant think that way.
He's ok right now so yes! I still haven't done it though.

Week 23
Ouch :( my belly is so big already and its causing me so many aches and pains, my hips hurt, my sides ache when sleeping on them, I'm sure I have pelvic griddle or whatever you call it!
Why do I feel guilty for complaining about this.... Its not the baby its just its hard and uncomfortable but that's ok, ill put up with anything as long as this little man gets here healthy that's all the matters.
So this week I had my MW appointment, and I was right this baby well my belly is measuring a few weeks ahead, so he's a big baba! They are sending me for the Glucose test next month the 2 hour one just to check its not diabetes, fingers crossed that's not the case and he's just big! He's getting stronger and stronger by the time I'm 30 weeks these kicks and hits are going to hurt haha! He is way above my belly button now aswell!
I feel really pregnant, heavily pregnant! Nearly 6 months so yey!!

Another big step we did this week, was getting our little girls things out and going through her clothes looking for all those natural colours to see what we could use. Luckily I found some things but not much. It was so hard looking at all these beautiful unworn girly clothes, knowing Kyla should have been in them! Instead they are in a sealed bag, packed away. I don't think I can ever bring myself to sell them. Then we had the cots sets and the bouncer/bean bag all the bigger things that are pink, these we don't have room for, so I had to move them on. Extremely hard steps to take.
And of  course it scares the crap out of me, I cant stop those thoughts creeping in, the mind thinking this could happen again, you could be selling these buying new blue things and you just don't know if this time it will be ok either, this is where I stop on moving forward with this rainbow baby, can I put myself and my hubby through this pain again....what if....what if....what if, No never I cant, we cant deal with anything going wrong!
But I have to move forward and try to carry on with some innocence, I have to do it for my boy. He deserves it.
So I plan to start and hang some things up in the next few weeks, and the image of Kyla's things hanging there stuck in time need to be put away, this little baby will be wearing the things I hang, I'll make sure of it!

A handcrafted box...thats what i left with...no baby....just a box

The 8th March just after midnight, I was being quickly pushed in a wheelchair out of the hospital, nothing but a box in my arms.
The undertaker had come to collect my girl, the police where guarding the door ready to escort her to the airport, all the way from Auckland to Wellington, she would be followed with the police escorting her.
I couldn't watch, I didn't want to leave her, but I couldn't watch the undertaker take her and the police following her, it was like a crime scene, something you only see on TV.
I kissed her cold forehead,turned and said quietly "get me out of here now, I cant watch them take her".
A nurse pushed me so fast through that hospital, tears where flowing down my face, it was so cold, I still had a nighty on, I was shaking and grasping this box in my arms.
Outside in the freezing fresh air, the stars are shinning away, the skies are so clear, its so peaceful.
We get into the car quickly, knowing the undertaker is somewhere with our girl close by and the police following. As we start to drive out, we see the long black car, knowing its the undertakers car.
I couldn't think ahead from that point, I felt like I had left my daughter alone, I felt like I had let her down so badly. I knew where she was going, I knew what they would do, but I couldn't and still cant to this day even go there it hadn't even been 24 hours since I had given birth and all this was happening to her.

The handcrafted box I left with that day I didn't want.
I should have had my beautiful little girl snuggled up in my arms, not a box.

It took me days to even look, I actually forgot all about it.

That box means so much to me to now. Little did I know what it contained and how it would make me feel close to my angel again.

I looked through it today, I don't too often because it hurts so much.
But it's full of the things from that day the 7th of March.
Your wrist bands, the patches that was stuck on your little chest, your first ever nappy, the little vest you wore, little booties a little hat, your foot prints, a little teddy.
I didn't remember any of these items, I only ever remember you, your beautiful face, how tiny you was, your fingers, your toes, your hair, your perfection.
But these little items are yours and you touched them and now I can hold them and touch them and feel so close to you, this little box means so much to me.

The message in the room, room 6 at NICU read Loveable one....and that you are my girl.

Whoever made this box I cant thank enough, I didn't leave with my baby girl in my arms but I left with memories so precious to me in my arms & now I know how precious this box Is.

Bumping along Week 20 & week 21

Week 20 - Hey baby BOY!!! Wow I cant believe your a little boy. I was so shocked, I really thought pink! Words cant describe how happy we are, it took a few days to sink in, but baby blue and we are so in love with you.
We bought your first little items of clothing. It was hard going back into the same shop where we bought Kyla's first few things too. My heart felt heavy walking past the pink things, how does it all just change so dramatically from then to now. That question why and how are never far from my lips.
But as hard as it is, we are excited to pick out our first baby blue items.
My belly Is rather large for 20 weeks! But I know you show earlier with your 2nd and hey this little dude is showing good growth, think we have a big boy on the way.
We have been feeling you move heaps, everyday really now for the last few weeks. And you are even pushing/hitting the sky remote on my belly! We used to play this game with Kyla when she was around 27-28 weeks and she would push the remote up and down, so we thought we would try it with you & bam straight away you was hitting it!!!  So strong hey little man!


Week 21 - Ok the weeks are ticking by...its going fast! This baba boy is getting strong :) some movements take my breathe away, but I love every little part of it. I feel so blessed to be pregnant again I know how lucky we are.
My anxiety and negativity keeps hitting me hard though, I have really good days full of positive thoughts, but then some days I just crash. I love this little man so much already and it scares me.
How can we fall so in love again just in case something happens, I mean no one really knows what happened, yes they think GBS and lack of oxygen but my placenta went missing so how can we ever be so sure. This scares me so much!! I promised Kyla I would get her here ok and I didn't, I don't care what anyone says...I didn't and I promised, I cant make the same promise little man, I want to but I cant. I think forward to the day when you'll be born, what if you don't cry......what if our world falls apart again, we have only just started rebuilding it all and we have fallen in love with you.
Its scary overwhelmingly scary.
I just have to trust in my body and my baby and my angel. I'll do everything that I can to make sure this ends with a live crying kicking baby in our arms.
Please pray that this time it will be ok.