A handcrafted box...thats what i left with...no baby....just a box

The 8th March just after midnight, I was being quickly pushed in a wheelchair out of the hospital, nothing but a box in my arms.
The undertaker had come to collect my girl, the police where guarding the door ready to escort her to the airport, all the way from Auckland to Wellington, she would be followed with the police escorting her.
I couldn't watch, I didn't want to leave her, but I couldn't watch the undertaker take her and the police following her, it was like a crime scene, something you only see on TV.
I kissed her cold forehead,turned and said quietly "get me out of here now, I cant watch them take her".
A nurse pushed me so fast through that hospital, tears where flowing down my face, it was so cold, I still had a nighty on, I was shaking and grasping this box in my arms.
Outside in the freezing fresh air, the stars are shinning away, the skies are so clear, its so peaceful.
We get into the car quickly, knowing the undertaker is somewhere with our girl close by and the police following. As we start to drive out, we see the long black car, knowing its the undertakers car.
I couldn't think ahead from that point, I felt like I had left my daughter alone, I felt like I had let her down so badly. I knew where she was going, I knew what they would do, but I couldn't and still cant to this day even go there it hadn't even been 24 hours since I had given birth and all this was happening to her.

The handcrafted box I left with that day I didn't want.
I should have had my beautiful little girl snuggled up in my arms, not a box.

It took me days to even look, I actually forgot all about it.

That box means so much to me to now. Little did I know what it contained and how it would make me feel close to my angel again.

I looked through it today, I don't too often because it hurts so much.
But it's full of the things from that day the 7th of March.
Your wrist bands, the patches that was stuck on your little chest, your first ever nappy, the little vest you wore, little booties a little hat, your foot prints, a little teddy.
I didn't remember any of these items, I only ever remember you, your beautiful face, how tiny you was, your fingers, your toes, your hair, your perfection.
But these little items are yours and you touched them and now I can hold them and touch them and feel so close to you, this little box means so much to me.

The message in the room, room 6 at NICU read Loveable one....and that you are my girl.

Whoever made this box I cant thank enough, I didn't leave with my baby girl in my arms but I left with memories so precious to me in my arms & now I know how precious this box Is.