Rainbow baby - weeks 22 & 23

Week 22
Growing growing and growing! This little boy is going to be one big baby I think.
I'm so big! He's so strong! I have felt him since around 18 weeks even 15 weeks, little flutters here and there but wow at 22 weeks he's super strong. Pushes the remote when I place it on my belly, you can now actually see my belly moving and he's right up by my belly button. Not that I compare but we didn't see my belly moving like this with Kyla for ages, it panics me a little, but I know this is my second pregnancy so you do feel them earlier and its a boy so maybe he's just more active or stronger I'm not sure.

Anxiety levels are still here but this week especially with feeling him move often during the day have helped calm my nerves.

We took a big step and decided to go ahead and move our angels room around and make it our rainbow baby's room, shared with his angel sister but its his room.
I was a wreck thinking about changing things but we decided to go for it, so hubby painted one wall a gorgeous blue and we put some sticker decal on, and it looks so cool.
Walking in there now feels refreshing, it feels like it should be this way...which is weird.
Of course when it comes to hanging his clothes up and things I'm finding that difficult...is it too soon? shall we wait right till the end....  But I know there is no right time & I cant think that way.
He's ok right now so yes! I still haven't done it though.

Week 23
Ouch :( my belly is so big already and its causing me so many aches and pains, my hips hurt, my sides ache when sleeping on them, I'm sure I have pelvic griddle or whatever you call it!
Why do I feel guilty for complaining about this.... Its not the baby its just its hard and uncomfortable but that's ok, ill put up with anything as long as this little man gets here healthy that's all the matters.
So this week I had my MW appointment, and I was right this baby well my belly is measuring a few weeks ahead, so he's a big baba! They are sending me for the Glucose test next month the 2 hour one just to check its not diabetes, fingers crossed that's not the case and he's just big! He's getting stronger and stronger by the time I'm 30 weeks these kicks and hits are going to hurt haha! He is way above my belly button now aswell!
I feel really pregnant, heavily pregnant! Nearly 6 months so yey!!

Another big step we did this week, was getting our little girls things out and going through her clothes looking for all those natural colours to see what we could use. Luckily I found some things but not much. It was so hard looking at all these beautiful unworn girly clothes, knowing Kyla should have been in them! Instead they are in a sealed bag, packed away. I don't think I can ever bring myself to sell them. Then we had the cots sets and the bouncer/bean bag all the bigger things that are pink, these we don't have room for, so I had to move them on. Extremely hard steps to take.
And of  course it scares the crap out of me, I cant stop those thoughts creeping in, the mind thinking this could happen again, you could be selling these buying new blue things and you just don't know if this time it will be ok either, this is where I stop on moving forward with this rainbow baby, can I put myself and my hubby through this pain again....what if....what if....what if, No never I cant, we cant deal with anything going wrong!
But I have to move forward and try to carry on with some innocence, I have to do it for my boy. He deserves it.
So I plan to start and hang some things up in the next few weeks, and the image of Kyla's things hanging there stuck in time need to be put away, this little baby will be wearing the things I hang, I'll make sure of it!

A handcrafted box...thats what i left with...no baby....just a box

The 8th March just after midnight, I was being quickly pushed in a wheelchair out of the hospital, nothing but a box in my arms.
The undertaker had come to collect my girl, the police where guarding the door ready to escort her to the airport, all the way from Auckland to Wellington, she would be followed with the police escorting her.
I couldn't watch, I didn't want to leave her, but I couldn't watch the undertaker take her and the police following her, it was like a crime scene, something you only see on TV.
I kissed her cold forehead,turned and said quietly "get me out of here now, I cant watch them take her".
A nurse pushed me so fast through that hospital, tears where flowing down my face, it was so cold, I still had a nighty on, I was shaking and grasping this box in my arms.
Outside in the freezing fresh air, the stars are shinning away, the skies are so clear, its so peaceful.
We get into the car quickly, knowing the undertaker is somewhere with our girl close by and the police following. As we start to drive out, we see the long black car, knowing its the undertakers car.
I couldn't think ahead from that point, I felt like I had left my daughter alone, I felt like I had let her down so badly. I knew where she was going, I knew what they would do, but I couldn't and still cant to this day even go there it hadn't even been 24 hours since I had given birth and all this was happening to her.

The handcrafted box I left with that day I didn't want.
I should have had my beautiful little girl snuggled up in my arms, not a box.

It took me days to even look, I actually forgot all about it.

That box means so much to me to now. Little did I know what it contained and how it would make me feel close to my angel again.

I looked through it today, I don't too often because it hurts so much.
But it's full of the things from that day the 7th of March.
Your wrist bands, the patches that was stuck on your little chest, your first ever nappy, the little vest you wore, little booties a little hat, your foot prints, a little teddy.
I didn't remember any of these items, I only ever remember you, your beautiful face, how tiny you was, your fingers, your toes, your hair, your perfection.
But these little items are yours and you touched them and now I can hold them and touch them and feel so close to you, this little box means so much to me.

The message in the room, room 6 at NICU read Loveable one....and that you are my girl.

Whoever made this box I cant thank enough, I didn't leave with my baby girl in my arms but I left with memories so precious to me in my arms & now I know how precious this box Is.

Bumping along Week 20 & week 21

Week 20 - Hey baby BOY!!! Wow I cant believe your a little boy. I was so shocked, I really thought pink! Words cant describe how happy we are, it took a few days to sink in, but baby blue and we are so in love with you.
We bought your first little items of clothing. It was hard going back into the same shop where we bought Kyla's first few things too. My heart felt heavy walking past the pink things, how does it all just change so dramatically from then to now. That question why and how are never far from my lips.
But as hard as it is, we are excited to pick out our first baby blue items.
My belly Is rather large for 20 weeks! But I know you show earlier with your 2nd and hey this little dude is showing good growth, think we have a big boy on the way.
We have been feeling you move heaps, everyday really now for the last few weeks. And you are even pushing/hitting the sky remote on my belly! We used to play this game with Kyla when she was around 27-28 weeks and she would push the remote up and down, so we thought we would try it with you & bam straight away you was hitting it!!!  So strong hey little man!


Week 21 - Ok the weeks are ticking by...its going fast! This baba boy is getting strong :) some movements take my breathe away, but I love every little part of it. I feel so blessed to be pregnant again I know how lucky we are.
My anxiety and negativity keeps hitting me hard though, I have really good days full of positive thoughts, but then some days I just crash. I love this little man so much already and it scares me.
How can we fall so in love again just in case something happens, I mean no one really knows what happened, yes they think GBS and lack of oxygen but my placenta went missing so how can we ever be so sure. This scares me so much!! I promised Kyla I would get her here ok and I didn't, I don't care what anyone says...I didn't and I promised, I cant make the same promise little man, I want to but I cant. I think forward to the day when you'll be born, what if you don't cry......what if our world falls apart again, we have only just started rebuilding it all and we have fallen in love with you.
Its scary overwhelmingly scary.
I just have to trust in my body and my baby and my angel. I'll do everything that I can to make sure this ends with a live crying kicking baby in our arms.
Please pray that this time it will be ok.

Pregnancy after loss week 19/20 - Pink or Blue we Love you!

Week 19 - Full of excitement and nerves. The big 20 week scan approaching. All that runs through my mind is...is this little baba ok, has it grown, is it developing, what if....?
I find myself a nervous wreck! And I get frustrated with myself, why would there be anything wrong, everything was ok with Kyla, you can grow a healthy baby, this is what everyone keeps saying to me.
And its true I can, but I am very much aware of so many things that can go wrong, and why wouldn't it happen to me, the worst case has happened to me...my angel died and she was ok all the way through!

Week 19 & 3 days - Scan day! Nervous wreck, so anxious! We sit in the waiting room, my palms are sweating, my heart is hammering in my chest, all I want to do is run out. But my hubby holds my hands and says be calm for the baby, breathe. Deep breathes.
Scan goes amazingly well, baby is growing above average but that's ok, all the organs are developing on track, little baba's heart is fine, your baby is ok and we are very happy with the development.
I cant explain the relief that washed over me. We saw our baby in 4D and wow! Same features as Kyla, the eyes and lips, I fall so in Love all over again.
We got the lady to write down the sex as we didn't want to know then and there.
All was to be revealed the next day. I felt like I could finally in such a long time feel happiness and feel excitement for the next day, finding out if our little blessing was a boy or a girl.
It took a lot for us to decided to do a gender reveal, but we know from our angel how important creating these memories are, you just never know...and Id be lost with out the memories of Kyla.


Week 19 & 4 days -Pink or Blue we love you!  Its a......

 

 

Rianbow baby hand picked by your sister in heaven

So my little angel mummy wants to add to this blog all about my weekly progress through this pregnancy with your little brother or sister & basically to write about how I'm feeling etc being pregnant again after losing you, and how the loss of you effects me now. 

Week 18 - Felt so many more movements, near enough daily movements :), it makes me so happy to feel this little baba, but at the same time so weird as 10 months ago this was you my angel in here kicking away. Haha as I'm writing baba is kicking.
So week 18 has been totally mixed, feeling the movements best thing ever.
Anxiety has kicked back in though, the fear of GBS creeping in somehow!! Or just something not being right or going right is just constantly on my mind! I drive myself mad!
I have a Doppler so I can listen to the heartbeat but even after hearing the heartbeat a few hours later I'm thinking 'oh god...is everything ok still, what if the GBS gets in, what if there is something wrong'
I cant stop thinking about when Kyla came out and that silence, no cry, nothing. Its scares me, it haunts me, and I know I cant deal with that ever again! So my mind panics me, thinking what if this little baba comes out and there is nothing, the same silence :( :( or what If late onset GBS kicks in, we take baby home we are so happy and in love & then the stupid GBS comes!!!
But then I think was it GBS with Kyla, they are only guessing really! So what if there is something else...aggggghhhh!!! I know I have to stop and breathe. And think ok today is ok, this little beautiful blessing is growing and moving and all is ok. So HARD!!!
Just over a week though until we have our big scan, that scares me, but hopefully all is ok and we can have our baby sex reveal party!!!
So this week is a mixed week, there is excitement and there is nerves and worry.
Nearly half way there........breathe and relax is all I can do.

I also think knowing that Kyla's first birthday angel birthday is coming up, its playing on my mind more. I'm dreading that day, I  think I have to think about just holding Kyla and not all the 'oh I was in labour now, oh I would have pushed her out now, oh its 4:10am this is when my world crashed in front of me........I cant reply that day, I just cant.

A rainbow after the storm

 

 

 

So here we are 17 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby!

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                              

 

Thank you my little angel for making  Mummy & Daddy lucky enough to be blessed again.

Even looking at these pictures, sitting here with my big belly feeling little tiny movements it still seems so unreal but it feels so right at the same time.

The biggest thing that isn't right is that your not here with us but I truly think you helped us in getting this little miracle, your little brother or sister.

 Me & Daddy are actually smiling again......

 

Its been the so hard these last 17 weeks, harder than I actually thought it would.

I mean I knew I would be anxious and nervous but I wasn't prepared for how anxious and nervous and scared I would be, we would be.

 

7th October - We got the phone call from the clinic, our first round ever of IVF was successful, we are pregnant! HCG reading 158, good reading.

I was shocked but super happy!!!!

 

11th October - HCG reading 1170, such a great feeling knowing it was going up exactly how it should be!

 

17th October - HCG reading 6878, wow its shot up, we really do have a baby on board.

 

23rd October - HCG reading 32,193, it hit us its happening we are pregnant, we have a baby in mummy's belly again.

 

 

Feelings crept in, there is a baby in my belly, this is so strange, I just had a baby in belly my girl, now there is a new baby in my belly......Can I get this baby here safely?? What if it happens again?

Feelings of guilt, you was just there Kyla, I spent 9months bonding and talking and falling in love with you, I'm scared so scared to bond again, I cant take the pain of anything happening....I cant do this.

 

7 weeks pregnant - Our scan was booked in, so nervous, was the baby there, was it in the right place..? will it be alive?? I questioned myself so many times why am I panicking thinking the worst, with Kyla I wasn't scared, it was all excitement, she was ok from the beginning, but it ended so badly, but she was ok it was just the end. I think after loosing Kyla I've heard so many stories about what happened to other people, I have all these new fears. But have to remind myself this is me, my story.

The day before the scan, I had a huge row, with somebody not even worth the words on my story, but it caused me so much stress, I bled and passed a clot. I thought it was over........

We went for a scan straight away, and to our relief the little baba was there, the heartbeat was strong we heard it, we saw our rainbow for the first time! we fell in love!

Shame for our first scan it had to be the way it was, the excitement that we did feel leading up to it, was taken from us. But thank god he looked after us and our baby was ok.

 

Week 8 - Wow all the symptoms had truly kicked, nausea, tiredness, grumpiness.

I recognised them all. It was like it was yesterday & lets face it was really. I had what 6 months of not being pregnant. And those symptoms you just don't forget. I was happy they was there. 

Time to find a midwife, I searched and googled and looked at each profile intently. We need someone with a lot of experience, who will understand we need extra care. Last time I didn't even really look I was so easy  about it all, like yep she'll do....how naïve of me, how stupid of me! But I found a lovely lady, so we have our midwife!

 

Week 9 - Feeling so sick, sicker than I did with my angel. But I finally started to ease a little, ease a little with being so anxious and scared. I'm pregnant everything is going ok....

I bled again!!! Bright red blood... nothing compared to the first, but wow seeing that again.......

I just couldn't cope.

But I did, I went for a scan luckily enough straight away, and there is our baba perfectly fine.

Growing how it should be.....relief again....Thank you god!!

 

Week 10 - No more blood seen, at where at week  10 already, the first trimester is nearly over!!

Starting to relax again. And I have a bump...... It feels so natural to me again but at the same time so strange, we only just did this. I try and start to talk to this little baba, I find it quite hard.

I think I'm scared of bonding still, it feels to early there are big milestones to get to, so maybe it will be easier then....But I try this little baba needs to know our love.

 

Week 11 -  Things are going ok. My bump is clearly visible and looks more like I'm 5 months pregnant!

This worry's me, too much fluid, over grown baby..blah blah head races.

Appointment with head at OB at hospital got to see wee baba quickly on scan. Grown heaps and moving all over the place. Went over the plan for the pregnancy and birth.

It's all feeling real now! They will meet me again in March and from 28 weeks onwards, monthly scans to check on growth and everything. C-section best way to go, so baby will be out at 39 weeks all going well.

I'm overwhelmed by it all, still thinking is this really real, still not fully being able to believe it, or get too excited.

 

Week 12 - Anatomy scan. So nervous! Glad my hubby is calm and keeps me from going crazy.

I just cant settle, what if something is wrong, I'm letting myself believe we will have a baby again, but we all know what happened last time.

Scan is perfect and amazing! Seeing this little baba just melts my heart.

Its bouncing all over the screen, doesn't stay still. Kyla was active but quite chilled at the 12 week scan. This baby is going crazy & I love it!

We get an amazing 4D picture aswell.

So we are here 12 weeks and all is ok, I start talking to my belly to our baby, saying how happy we are. Every morning I kiss my teddy that holds my angels ashes and then I place the teddy on my bump and say Hi little brother or sister. It makes me sad that this is my reality, but I want to involve my angel in it all. I start my rainbow baby's journal finally, I feel we have reached a good place and its ok to start this journey.

I believe Kyla will help us get this baby here safely.

 

Week 13 - Ever growing bump, oh mama its getting big. But I love it. Its the happy place for my baby to grow. I have to think this everyday, those thoughts of  oh but this is where Kyla got infected, this is where she got so ill, where she began to die....its very hard to replace those thoughts and push that aside. But for this baba I will. And I'm reassured of what is true. I can carry a baby, a perfect healthy baby, we just need help at the end.

I'm feeling better now as well. Not as sick.

 

Week 14 - Week 14 really?? time is ticking, the first 12 weeks where scary and full of anxious moments, these last 2 weeks have flown by. Feeling positive!!

Although I did have a scare, nothing happened it was just myself, I scared myself thinking, what if  something has happened and I just don't know about it...I didn't know anything was wrong with Ky when I was pushing her into the world so how would I know.

Thankfully I can go and listen to the heartbeat anytime I want, so for reassurance I did. And all was ok, beautiful strong heartbeat.

Time to relax and start enjoying this.

 

Week 15 - Pregnant again at Christmas, first Christmas being pregnant with this little rainbow, first Christmas knowing we should have a happy healthy 9 month old baby girl with us.

Its hard, but I do what is right for me, I have time to reflect on my angel, I even let my mind wonder to next Christmas, a little girl or boy, our baby here with us, that voice creeps in...don't get ahead of yourself!

We spend the afternoon with Family who are so happy to see us and so happy to see my big baby bump. It makes me realise, we can be happy, we deserve to be happy, the smiles around us and for us, happy smiles. I'll smile for my angel and for this baby that I love, that we love. We are smiling again and the excitement is there.

 

Week 16 - Headaches! Oh how I missed you! Its stinking hot, I'm pretty big, not huge but big, I'm achy and headachy and grumpy! But I'm feeling positive, we are now 4 months!!

We also have a Doppler that was sent by another angel mummy who lost her baby but has just had her rainbow baby. My midwife advised probably not to use it, as you can scare yourself silly.

But I have, I couldn't resist. And it has helped, on those days where I'm unsure, just to hear it. Makes such a difference to my anxiety levels.

Oh and importantly movements! I think I have been feeling little flutters since around the 15 week mark. But I have also felt some big kicks I would say. But then you question yourself, but again there movements you remember so well, you just know it more than likely is.

 

Week 17 - Found myself being paranoid again, it just sneaks its way in.

Haven't felt mush movements but I'm 17 weeks I know I wont feel things daily, but yet It panics me.

I have had the Doppler out a few times more this week, just to check.

My belly is big, which I love but it still makes me concerned.

Now the 19-20 week scan is on my mind. Will the growth be ok, will the fluid levels be ok...the brain, the bladder, the kidneys aggggh everything.

I'm scared again to think to far ahead, we decided in the early weeks that we have to embrace and think positive with this pregnancy, we have to celebrate it all, creating memories is so important.

So we are doing a baby sex reveal party in the next few weeks.

We wont know until we cut into a cake and see the colouring inside if your pink or blue!

Exciting, so exciting.....but are we getting ahead of ourselves!! People have been invited, its being organized, but the what if's are there!!

Oh well, we have made it this far, positive thinking, being surrounded by positive happy people and having a beautiful angel by our side.

We can do this and it will be ok!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                          

 

 



Tomorrow is that start of a new year, a full 365 blank paged booked, new chapters to be made and created. I don't think I'll ever be ready to close the chapter on my little girl, I will only close that when I'm no longer here, I promise to live my life for her, to love and breathe & smile & laugh for my daughter. I have hated 2014, its been the worst year of my life and I never want to experience this again, but I was also blessed with a beautiful little girl, my angel Kyla who I will love and cherish and carry with me always.
I am ready for 2015, I am ready to stand again and live again, & too start a new chapter with my angel by my side holding mummy's hand.
So bring on 2015 there are new memoires and new dreams and a dam good book to be written!

 

Happy New Year Baby girl love you always, you have taught me more than anyone in such a short amount of time, forever my shinning light, my angel throughout my life X x x