I`m having some really bad days at the moment, it`s so hard to get up in the morning & to try and doing anything....
I went to the supermarket yesterday and I was proud of myself for doing that, how funny I never imagined me to be anxious and scared to go anywhere, but that's me at the moment...is this is the new me...I hope not.
I`m taking tablets to help with the major anxiety I was getting after you was born, they are helping and helping me sleep so that's good but I don't want to depend on them, its not me! But people keep saying "Jemma, you have been through so much, you have had a tragedy and a tragic event happen to you" - & all I can think is yes I did, but its not real, its not really happening to me, I`m watching somebody else`s life...This isn't mine!! But it is and the pain...it hurts too much.
Why, why, why!!! My beautiful baby girl I miss you so much!
I started to put things in your glory box today, it hurt, I felt that I was putting you away, but I`m not baby, I never will, I just know I have to gradually start this process but I don't like it one bit.
I even managed to put your bassinet down, I could see it everyday from the front room, just there, looking like a beautiful crib waiting for a little baby, I have to remind myself that that's not happening, its just sat there catching dust.
As I was putting the basinet down, I thought my baby`s room will never look how it did, beautiful and perfect, all I will have is memories.
I hope in heaven you have a room like the one me & daddy had for you, your room was perfect just like you.
We are still waiting on the final COD, every day checking the mail box, everyday not knowing, I wish we could have answers maybe that will help us one day.
I read a blog the other day when I was feeling really low, a lady lost her baby boy, but in her sadness she also had happiness, she remembered the fun things that her little baby experienced in her belly, she was grateful that she got to hold her boy & kiss & cuddle him, and be his mummy.
It made me think I loved being pregnant with you Kyla, every little thing & feeling I experienced I loved & I thank you for those happy times, I thank you for your amazing scan where you smiled for me & daddy...amazing!! That picture is my favourite, we never got to hear you cry, or see your eyes open (even though I did open them and they blew me away, deep dark ocean blue sparkling eyes...I loved them) but we got to see you smile, smiling in my bell, how amazing and lucky are we too have that memory!!
And thank you for sending me a sign the other day, when granddad and me asked, I have never seen a baby butterfly ever, I couldn't believe it when I glanced and it was there, it was lovely. That made granddad happy as he and nana had to fly back to the UK that day so your sign made him smile.
I miss them & wish they where still here, but I know you will look down on them and watch over them with your angel wings, my beautiful daughter smiler Kyla :-) Love and miss you more than words can ever say.
X X X
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