Capture your grief - Day 5 - Journal

Capture your grief
Day 5 - journal
When I found out I was pregnant my bestie bought me this journal, to write down all about being pregnant & too capture special parts of the pregnancy.
The beginning of the journal I can't even read anymore it hurts too much now, when Kyla died I moved to the back of the journal to capture my grief journey. Funny how the beginning is full of hopes and dreams and the back is the raw pain of loosing her. ...
I added the photo showing my last words while kyla was happy & healthy still in my belly which was written only 2 days before Kyla was born. Breaks my heart reading it, I had no idea it would end this way.

 

Capture your grief - Day 4 - Now

Capture your grief
Day 4 - Now
Now...now we are broken, now we know pure pain, now we have a beautiful daughter who is our world even though she isn't here, now we have an angel baby who lives with us everyday in our hearts, now we have a huge part of us missing and this will our forever.
Now we fight for our rights and we know now about Group B strep and spreading the word to prevent little babies lives from being taken way to soon. ...
Now we are wiser, we are braver, we are stronger, we are surviving.
We know not too take life our anything for granted, we are scared of what can happen and we know too well how it can all fall apart in the blink of an eye.
We know now what and who matters to us but out of it all we now know the amazing people who are in our lives that have stood by us and helped us to see a little light at the end of this very dark tunnel & we know how to appreciate our family and friends more than ever and how blessed we are to have them all.
Now there are 3 of us, only one has wings and watches us from above, and will always fill our hearts with nothing but pure love.

 

Capture your grief - Day 3 - Before

Capture your grief
Day 3 - Before

 

I love this photo, it was taken not long before we became pregnant, this was us before, before we knew pure heartache, before we knew what it felt like to have your world torn apart, we were innocent to grief and loss, we smiled true smiles, we had hopes and dreams that no one could shatter, we knew no real pain,we lived and loved life everyday.
I look back and think how innocent we was, we had no idea what our future held, I know we never in a million years imagined this.
One thing I love in this photo is just us, me and my hubby, one thing that hasn't changed is how much I love him and how he can still make me smile like this.

Capture your Grief - October 2014 - Day 2 - Heart

Capture your grief - This is I'm hoping a great healing event for the whole month of October.
October is Baby loss & infant loss awareness month and hopefully in taking part this helps raising awareness and helps me on my grief journey and my healing.

 

 

I missed day 1 which was a sunrise, so here is my day 2.

Day 2 - Heart

I have included this photo as a year ago today we found out our little bump was a baby girl, most happiest day of our lives.
I dreamed of dressing her in cute little outfits & having that amazing mother & daughter relationship just like my mum and me have & seeing Layton with his little Daughter his pride and joy his world. Happy memoires and happy dreams.

 

When will it get easier...

Does it ever get easier??
I have learnt that the pain never goes away, & that is something I hate knowing.
But at the same time if someone said they could take it away, I wouldn't want them to.
That would mean taking you away my baby, erasing you, & that is something I never want to do.

But does it get easier, this is something that leaves the ? mark.
I thought with time, from what I have read and heard, that time helps, time helps you to heal a little, never fully but you start to heal and it starts to get easier.
I can honestly say since the day you gained your angel wings, it hasn't got easier.
I know it was only in March, 6 months ago, but I thought it would start to get a little easier.....
It's not happening. Its frustrates me so much.

I want to live my life and be happy again, and I keep trying, but I always get knocked back down to this empty, lost, hurt, lonely feeling.
Learning to live with this sucks! Learning to live a new normal sucks!
I keep being tested and tested, and I feel if I am tested anymore I will break.
I don't want sympathy or pity, I'm just trying to learn to live without you, but its so hard & its not getting any easier, I try and try, and then something else flows me and knocks me again.

Your little cousin arrived into the world, I remember when my brother told me they where expecting, I was 6 months pregnant, & so happy! I couldn't wait, I was so excited, I had it all planned out in my mind, me and you would go home back to the UK, I could show you off to my family and friends & you could meet your little cousin.
But it hasn't gone that way, its thrown me and took me back to that day of loosing you, reminded me of how it should be, and pulled me into reality of how my life is.
She looks like you. She has the hair line, the black hair, the button nose, she looks like you, my baby, who has died...she looks like you.
I just didn't expect that, I knew she may have black hair, but to resemble you, has just shocked me.
It sounds silly, she's my niece, why wouldn't she look like you, why didn't I think this, prepare my self, I prepared myself for the black hair, but not the rest.
 I Love her very much but she reminds me of you, & at the moment that's to raw for me, its too much for me.
I want to fly home and go see her, I want to pick her up and cuddle her,& just stare at her & love her, But at the same time I'm frightened of her.....
One day I know I'll be able to watch her and ill take comfort in knowing that you would be like her, but right now, it hurts me, and makes me see what I'm missing, I'm missing my girl, I just miss you so much Kyla.
Its such a hard time for me right now, it shouldn't be like this.
But I'm being tested again, I know ill get back on my feet, I wish I could run to that time, but for now ill wobble again & I just pray for better times.
Hopefully our rainbow baby is waiting for us, not that a baby would take any of this away but we want to have a family....maybe when I have our baby alive, crying and moving in my arms, maybe then it will get easier....?
Will it??
I don't know
Only time will tell

Oh well baba, mummy loves you, I hope you can see me, I hope you are around us, we need you my baby.
Its fathers day tomorrow, I got a card from you to daddy. I told him how this time last year you was in mummy's belly and how much you was looking forward to being in his arms this time.
He misses you like crazy, and he loves you oh so much.

I hope you walk with us on this next journey, mummy needs your hand to hold.

Broken a litte bit more

I didn't think that I could break anymore , I thought my heart was shattered, so it couldn't break anymore, but I know these last few days its shattered even more.
I'm frustrated that this is my life, full of heartache and disappointment.
We keep trying to stay afloat, we keep hoping and holding on, we keep believing, but we keep losing, no matter how hard we try, this dark ass cloud keeps following us around, hanging above us, we see a glimmer of hope, but it doesn't last long.
Why cant the sun stay shinning on us.....what did we do so wrong!

I am not the person who goes down the self pity path, if I do I don't plan on staying there for long.
But what happens when the next steps you take just end up hurting you again, trying to pick your self up time after time, how can you get off the path....? how long can you keep doing it for?
I lost you Kyla, my world.
Wasn't that enough!
The best thing that ever happened to me was taken so quickly & I just don't know if we will ever get back to the path of happiness, every time we come close it gets taken away just as quick.
I`m so close to giving up, I want to fight but when I do, when I fight back, I get knocked over.

5 months ago our world fell apart and it hasn't stopped since.
All we want is to have a family, why is that now becoming the biggest challenge of our life's.
I don't want it to be our sole focus, I`m tiered, over 6 years of trying for a baby and then 3 years ago being told something devastating, that put us into the most difficult position and meant we had to make the biggest decision of our life and go through fertility treatment and for it to keep ending in tragedy....why!!!!
I don't know where to go at the moment, what do we do, do we give up....we cant and we wont but its a shit shit time!!!
Our funding has run out for the IUI treatment, the first one we did a few months ago didn't work, but we had one left.
Everything banked on it taking, if it didn't then we either wait another whole year for the funding to become available or we pay a stupid amount of money to try and make it happen.
We only have one wage coming in, I`m struggling with the whole going back to work thing, I`m still in the midst of grieving for my girl, and still focusing on having a baby, a baby that can stay here on earth with us.
Its tiring IUI, I know its nothing compared to IVF & I`m thankful at the moment I don't have to go there, but getting bloods taken everyday and then going through the IUI, then waiting the anguishing 2 weeks to see if where pregnant, its exhausting!
But I guess at least we have this option hey.
What is killing me right now is that the 2nd go worked, we got pregnant......
But as I write this, I`m currently I guess miscarrying, very early days, but It worked we got pregnant, but something went wrong and my body is saying no.
For me its nothing compared to loosing Kyla, Kyla was a full term baby, who was perfect and died due to something so stupid so its totally different.
Its so early with this one that i didn't hear the heart beat and I didn't see the scan, but it still hurts.
To start thinking Oh we are pregnant, maybe this is our miracle. But no.
I just feel yet again my body has failed me, my husband feels like he has failed me and now I keep feeling like I`m failing him.
Why are we being tortured!!! Even finding out about this last IUI, it has been a week of torture for us.
First the call saying your pregnant but your HCG levels are low so we need to get your bloods done again in 3 days & make sure they rise, but the next day I`m bleeding, not heaps but I`m bleeding.
I get told oh that doesn't sound good, your probably having a early mc, so we had a weekend of thinking that, only to be told on Monday that the levels have risen like they should so its looking good, but oh no.....the bleeding carry's on, teasing us, bloods get done yesterday and levels have dropped, still classed as pregnant due to the hormone level but I'm miscarrying.
So I'm sat here cramping, thinking really...is this really happening!!!!
I feel like where one of those couples doomed. The couple you look at and just feel sorry for.
I don't want to be them!!!
I know we have options and I know one day it will be ok.
But right now, after building ourselves up that little bit in the last 5 months, we`ve just been shattered again.

Giving up is all I have at the moment.

Re build, re focus. But for today all I see and feel is emptiness and I`m broken again.


I left myself believe for only a moment, but I left my self believe of our baby, Kyla`s little brother or sister, being in the room, in the cot.

But I guess it will remain....empty.

Life lessons

Wow am I learning some life lessons through loosing you my baby girl.

People are so different and this journey is showing me the true colours of people.
The people who you believe will be there but when it comes to it....they just aren't.
The people who take offence because you cant be there for them because their grieving too but seem to not understand that it happen to us where in immense grief,it was our child, our baby,our life.

Are we all that wrapped up in our own selfish little world....that we cant see the hurt and the pain....that we cant see that the people we love,the people we call family are their needing us.
Is it that they don't want to be part of the grief...they don't want to interrupt there so called perfect little life, and just be there for us.....is it that hard!
Can they not see the pain in our eyes, do they not understand that we cant go back to how it was, its not that easy, where taking baby steps in everything we do, is it that hard to see?

I question myself and think how would I have reacted, if someone close to me loss such a precious gift, would I just turn after the funeral , after a few weeks have passed, would I just turn and walk away??
I don't think I would, I don't think I could.

Would I question them for not visiting me anymore?
Would I question them because I feel there being distance with me?

In my eyes that's selfishness, there thinking of themselves, and not thinking of us.
Or am I wrong am I being selfish? should I be contacting everyone, should I be visiting everyone?
No I just lost my baby, it was only 5 months ago!!!

Do they not understand, that we went from blissful happiness to absolute heartache and despair?
Our world has changed, completely changed.

Where in a hole, which is dark and lonely, we can see a tiny bit of light, where trying to crawl our way up & out of this hole, but the soil and the dirt keeps falling back in around us, we are tired and scared and lost, but where trying our best to get out, but its a big hole and it will take us a very long time to get out, we probably wont ever fully get out.

No one knows what to say, no one knows to do, I feel like screaming "YOU don't know what to say?!! Do you think we have the words for this!"
Is it about words no, its about understanding and being there.
But this is where the problem lies, either people are too wrapped up in there own bubble, or the lack of awareness around child loss & grief is truly not spoken off & is this what people prefer?? Silence.

                                                    I had a baby, her name is Kyla Sian X

                                                       This is who I am...right now.....

                                                           
                                                             And sadly this is true.....