I never knew what people meant when they said you feel your heart is broken you feel the pain, I do now, its a constant hurt a constant pain, but I guess that is where you will live in me Kyla in that broken place and I will never seal it up, you will always be with me and that I would not change in a million years.
I loved you from the moment I knew we was pregnant, those 9 months where just amazing, watching my belly grow, feeling you moving and kicking, seeing you on each scan and just falling in love with you each and every day, when you came into the world & took my breath away and when you left us and gained your angel wings , I have never felt love like it.
I miss you so much, my arms ache for you, my soul aches for you.
We finally got your medical report on what happened, and 3 weeks after we finally got to understand what exactly happened, what this 9 page medical report was actually telling us.
It broke me again, me & your daddy, just to know what exactly took you away... You went through so much & I`m just so heartbroken.
We went back to the hospital, we walked through the same doors we walked through when you was still in my belly about to be born, but you was alive last time I walked through those doors.
We went to the ward, I saw the door to the room I was in when I went into labour, that same room where our world fell apart. It was so hard, I sat in the waiting room waiting to see the OB & I just cried, I couldn't stop thinking that's where it all started just down there, that's where my beautiful little girl was & you was alive, but now you have gone and here we are finding out way. No one should have to go through this no one.
What the OB told us shocked me, it wasn't what I thought, and now all I can think is it could have been so different! And I`m sorry baby girl, I didn't know.
They say it was an infection called Strep B, which basically I didn't know I had or have, it must have been serve as from either the sweep or when my waters where broken, it got to you and gave you pneumonia & then your little body was deprived of oxygen from parental asphyxia & it started to shut down, the infection made you too weak to deal with everything. There was me thinking about all the pain I was in trying to push you out, little did I know what was happening to you. I cant help but feel like I should have known, I`m your mummy, I should have known.
I`m so angry that a simple swab could have been done, and then we would have known maybe, if only at around the 37 week mark they would have tested me as this when it likely to show positive, but oh no, no I didn't have symptoms and it would cost money to do this, so It wasn't done, and this was the result, it infected you and killed you. It should be tested plain and simple, it dangerous to baby`s so why not test!!!! If I had antibiotics through labour its more than likely you wouldn't have got it.......This destroys me!! Its hurts me to the core! Why oh why don't they test it should be mandatory, if they know it can lead to pneumonia and meningitis and death WHY not test!! & the fact it shows no symptoms, it should be common practice! I have never even heard of it...great hey!
How do I feel now knowing, I`m angry, I`m angry thinking that maybe just maybe this could have been prevented, with a simple swab. But maybe not who knows.
I just miss my twinkling little bundle, when your hopes & dreams have been turned upside down, its a hard hard journey, & I to think its only really just began, where still at the start of it.
Your my inspiration to carry on though baby girl, every breath and step I take is for you and I believe I`m taking them with you.
I want to change the world at the moment, I want to scream to every pregnant women about strep B, and I want to help and change things for parents when they face such a huge loss in their lives, that's so unexpected and rocks you to the core. You Kyla your my inspiration to do this.
Love you always my angel baby X x x
My heart goes out to you .......I was prompted to comment as I was shocked to discover with my last pregnancy that the DHB did not routinely do StrepB swab due to it not being cost effective or something like that ......my community midwife did one before we were told that - and I think she might have got into a little trouble BUT I think she must have seen what can happen when you don't test .....I will keep Kyla's story and your bravery for sharing in my heart .......
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time and commenting and reading my blog.
ReplyDeleteIt is shocking that they don't routinely check for GBS, they check for so much, it doesn't seem right that the one they don't check for is the one can cause so much damage. I`m glad your MW did the check. People need to be aware of GBS, as I mentioned I had never heard of it. As long as people know and have a choice to take a test then that's what I want to achieve.