#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 12 Positive & blessings

Positive & blessings

What can come from loosing your baby, what blessing can surely come from it all.

I guess for me to help others is what makes me positive to continue through my loss.
I searched so much through so many sites to try and find people, i couldn't do this on my own, i needed to meet people who had walked this path, i needed to see that you can survive,hand on heart i truly thought i couldn't survive this, i saw no light, i saw darkness.
So and only recently i volunteered to be a member of Sands a charity for bereaved parents.
I want to help people, i want to let them know that i am here, i have walked the walk and I'm walking the path and that they are not alone. I hope to continue doing this and help people in anyway i can.

My blessing is my bog Charlie. He wouldn't be here if i didn't carry the hope, he wouldn't be here if and this is what i believe that his sister sent him to us, our true blessing.
The one that helped in so many ways for me to see the light again. True blessing.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 11 Creative Heartwork

Creative Heartwork

I have my tatoo, my Kyla corner,her hands & feet,her garden & of course her,the teddy holds her ashes, it holds my girl.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 10 signs & symbols

Signs & symbols

At first i looked for signs everywhere, always looking, always asking, desperate to see something.
Butterflies was my number one sign, Monarch butterflies, i would see them always, flying past me so gracefully and beautiful. I would pretend it was my girl making a special visit to her mama.
Feathers, feathers defiantly would just appear not for me though,my hubby got feathers, my parents, his parents, the all found them in the most craziest places, in the garage when it was shut, floating into the workshop  at my hubbys work when he works at the back! He got big ones the one that appeared in his work shop was a beautiful one! The ones for everyone else were tiny little white or grey feathers. I think with me i just didnt notice or look. Once i started i started seeing them, they would just appear, it was crazy.
The biggest sign for me came from a friend.
I had been asking my little girl please send me a sign, come to me in my dreams,anything please just show me a sign.
I was back in the UK sat in my bed with my mama, when i got a msg, my heart skipped a million beats im sure of it, i chucked my phone in shock.
One of my oldest friends who i hadnt spoken to for ages, randomly msgd me saying....
She had been to see a physic and they told her that her friend had lost a baby girl, she thought of me straight away, she said that my baby is with me always, she is mischievous and moves things around.
Which is so funny the amount of times im positive i saw something right there and its just gone only to appear somewhere else. She said that my girl has her wings just like a butterfly!!
How beautiful, i cried, it was the best sign out of the blue i could have ever asked for.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 9 Surrender & Embrace

Surrender & Embrace 

Surrendering & embracing grief......
I have i feel embraced my grief my embracing was my only outlet to me surrendering to it in the first 6 months i totally surrendered to it because i had no option, i had to take on each day embracing it and trying to find the answers to being happy again and being ok again, or trying to find my girl in all i did, i tried too find the beauty again,accepting that she wasn't here and she wasn't coming back, embracing the world with a whole new face, if i didn't embrace it i couldn't surrender to it, this is in the first 6 months. I allowed my self to cry and cry, i allowed myself time to feel however i felt, i allowed my self to surrender.
Now its all so different, i had 6 solid months to grieve, then i got pregnant and a whole new journey began, through trying to grieve but trying to be positive for my baby, the embracing i forever tried but the surrendering went away, i didn't ever want to cave into it even though it was always with me, i suppose in a way i fought myself from going back to it scared of the pain and scared of being back in a place i didn't want to be in, knowing the emotion all to well i didnt want to face it.
I felt that i had moved away from it and its only now i know that i hadn't i just learnt to protect myself from it, im too scared to surrender, im too scared of that pain, i know how much it hurts so leaving it be works out for me but i know thats not the answer its not the way to deal with it, it will creep up on me, and it does but i only surrender when i physically cant go on.
Embracing it i can do, i accept that shes gone, and i remember her in every possible way. But surrendering to it thats what i dont do thats what i find hard right now.

                          Surrendering takes me back to the start, where it hurts too much......

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 8 BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES

Beautiful Mysteries

My little girl, from the moment i laid eyes on you you took my breath away, so precious and so beautiful, i couldn't believe how perfect you was, your dark hair, your perfect nose,lips,those eyes they looked so big, your dark eyebrows just perfectly shaping your little face.
I knew in that moment that you was the most beautiful little thing, in that moment i imagined it all.

You would be 2 and a half now, i see little girls your age all the time and my heart flips a beat my mind wanders off.....

Your so dam cute, your hair is curly just like mummys was, tight little ringlets, a full head of dark hair. Chubby cheeks, with these beautiful big brown eyes, your eyes light up the room they are so beautiful, your smile is super cheeky, you cant help but just smile and kiss your little face all over.
Your here, your mine, your ours, so beautiful and so cheeky.
A little girly girl, you like dresses & dolls all things girly, but your a dare devil too you dont mind getting dirty, having fun splashing around in puddles, climbing and exploring.
The world is yours to explore and you take every opportunity to do just that.
You amaze us in all you do. Your soul is precious little girl & mummy and daddy adore you.

My beautiful mysteries this is how i imagine you.

X x x

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 7 Myths

Myths

Time will heal,at this moment 2.5years after loosing Klya, i dont agree that time will heal.
I fully believe that time will never heal my broken heart.
You learn to live with it, thats the truth, you learn to carry you grief with you, trying to ignore it yet be open to it, its a on going cycle, the cycle of grief that for me is forever.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 6 Empthay

Empathy

Emotion -  its ok to show us your emotions, its our grief but we are fully aware that our story and our girl mattered to you to, showing us your emotion is ok, you will not upset us you will show us how much you care and that means so much to us.

Milestones - Through loosing our girl, we have lost our future with her, we have lost every little milestone, her first words, firsts steps, first birthday, first everything and this is our forever we will always be missing out on these milestones, help us on birthdays to celebrate her, help us to remember her, a little message to say I'm thinking of you today is all we need.

Patience - Allow us time, time to grieve, be patient with us as we try and find our way again, yes we will be a pain in the ass most of the time, but please don't give up on us, stick with us and with a little patience you'll help us through.

Advice - This is one where everyone wants to make you feel better, they have opinions and say all the not so helpful wrong things ;-) , reality is nothing will make us feel better, my advise is just be there you don't have to try and say the right things or try and say things as to why our baby isn't here, trust me you just being present is all we need.

Talk - Talk to us, talk about our baby this is what helps more than anything, you don't need to fill the silence with a random conversation, just talk to us, ask us how we are really feeling, how we are really doing, as time passes and you see us smiling again know we are still hurting so talk to us continue talking to us.

Hug - Hugs!! A big hug, everyone likes a hugs even me who can be totally awkward to one hugs help too. Hugs show love and that you care and this is what matters.

Aware - There will be triggers all over that remind us of what we are missing, so if you notice a silence, a little smile with a tear in our eyes, be aware that we are remembering and probably thinking of what would have been, how they would have been.

Years - As time passes, days into weeks. months into years,no matter how much times has passed, we will always be missing our little baby, our arms will still ache for them and our hearts will always be scarred with our babys print of life and love. Take time each year on their special date to remember them with us.

Kyla Sian O'Rourke our precious little angel above

Remember her with us.