8 Years Happy Birthday Angel

Your brothers & Our beautiful girl turning 8 years old

 

Wow 8 years ago today you came into this world and our lives changed forever in so many ways. 

I woke up today and I didn't want to deal with this day, I just wanted to curl up in bed & cry and just relive those moments those traumatizing moments that break me, but then there are those extremely special moments the only ones I have of holding you and kissing your face and being your mummy for those heartbreaking 16 hours that we had you for.

To solider on right now and deal with your beautiful bros and go to work & paint over the heartbreak is super hard because today your are 8 years old!! I cant believe its been 8 years, nearly double digits my girl. 

All the what ifs and what would you be like are intense today, I cant stop thinking of the little girl you would be, what would you be into....what would your personality be like, what would you be like as a big sister to your brothers....? So many questions that  we will never know & dam that hurts like hell. 

People say it gets easier....does it? 

Yes in ways maybe, but its more the fact you learn to carry on carrying the pain with you, that pain though never leaves you, its imprinted forever. 

For me each anniversary gets harder & that's because I now know what we are really missing out on, having the boys makes you feel it so much more. But of course that's something I'm entirely grateful for, without them I wouldn't have made it through, best distraction I could ever have asked for. 

They know all about you my girl. I said to Connor we will get a cake for you, it feels wrong to me at the moment though cake is a celebration and the pain of loosing you makes me not want to celebrate but your life, you, you deserve to be celebrated right...anyway he asked if he can come to your party, I said well Kyla's in heaven she will be having a party up there, he asked what is heaven like....I told him its a beautiful place where your with all the family. Guess you have to hold onto hope that that's true. 

I feel more at the moment its just the end that's it, but I really hope I'm wrong. 

Charlie always says he wishes you was here, he asks about you, say's your a butterfly, I like that. 

Happy 8th Birthday my angel, I love you, we love you & we will never forget you. 

Your always our daughter, our first born, we will forever speak your name. 

KYLA SIAN O'ROURKE 

x X x X x X x X 

#captureyourgrief 2016 #waveoflight #whathealsyou Day 15 Wave of light

Wave of light

I love this day!!! Im so thankful to those who made this day for us, it gives us a day to spread the word,to share our babies,to remember them and let the world know about them.
Its heartbreaking that their are so many of us, but we can all come together and help each other and that is the beauty of this day, from all the corners around the world we spread the light of our angel babies.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 14 beliefs & spirituality

Beliefs & spirituality

I have never been a religious person, i wasn't brought up around religion so its never really been a big part of my life. My Nana was religious she would always say a pray & wear her cross necklace.
But other than that not a big part of my life.

When Kyla was in hospital having a MRI to check for any brain activity, i prayed, i prayed so hard for anything, i needed a miracle, i needed help, i needed god to prove in that moment that he heard and he could help. I remember lying on a bed cuddling my husband as he tried to sleep, right in front of me i saw a cross, ill never forget it.
It wasn't an actual cross, not a painting, or a hanging cross. it was like when there has been condensation and you can draw on the wall,someone had marked it with a cross.
I looked and it scared me for some reason, now i think it was a sign, the sign that she wasn't going to make it, the sign i guess of death to be brutally honest, the room had been marked.
My girls ashes are in a teddy and around the teddy's neck is a pink cross.

Do i believe in god.....
I'm not sure, i want to, but i just don't know.
I want to believe my girl is up their with him, playing in gods garden.
Its hard to believe i guess when the worst thing has happened to you, how can these cruel cruel things happen, everyone said around me where is god now, i said and i say don't blame him he got her here for 16 hours he made sure we had precious moments, he gave us our boy , i have to believe he did i guess i try to believe in god but i struggle.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 13 Dear World

Dear World

The journey me & my hubby have been on for the last 8 years has been so so hard.
We are both emotionally & physically broken from it, but we are still standing, and we are standing together somehow!
No one can ever truly understand the crap that has been thrown our way and i wouldnt want anyone too, this is our path and our journey.
Everything seems to always be a battle, we have to fight all the way for so much.
I guess i want to say Dear world you deal the shittest cards but me and my man will always get up, we have been through hell and back from the day we decided to have a baby, the fertility issues, the loss of our girl,the trauma that followed it,the pregnancy with our boy, getting our boy here safely, and oh so much more & it continues but we are strong and we are stronger than ever.
Dear world give us a break haha but seriously life is a bitch but its also the one life you get there is alot of beauty out there, dont give up, dont loose hope, after all we have been through and trust me its never ending if we can both still be standing and smiling at the end then, anyone can.
Never give up, dont loose yourself too much as grief can take so much away but it can also open you up to life live it to the fullest no matter what shit gets thrown at you.

Find the beauty in the moment

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 12 Positive & blessings

Positive & blessings

What can come from loosing your baby, what blessing can surely come from it all.

I guess for me to help others is what makes me positive to continue through my loss.
I searched so much through so many sites to try and find people, i couldn't do this on my own, i needed to meet people who had walked this path, i needed to see that you can survive,hand on heart i truly thought i couldn't survive this, i saw no light, i saw darkness.
So and only recently i volunteered to be a member of Sands a charity for bereaved parents.
I want to help people, i want to let them know that i am here, i have walked the walk and I'm walking the path and that they are not alone. I hope to continue doing this and help people in anyway i can.

My blessing is my bog Charlie. He wouldn't be here if i didn't carry the hope, he wouldn't be here if and this is what i believe that his sister sent him to us, our true blessing.
The one that helped in so many ways for me to see the light again. True blessing.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 11 Creative Heartwork

Creative Heartwork

I have my tatoo, my Kyla corner,her hands & feet,her garden & of course her,the teddy holds her ashes, it holds my girl.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 10 signs & symbols

Signs & symbols

At first i looked for signs everywhere, always looking, always asking, desperate to see something.
Butterflies was my number one sign, Monarch butterflies, i would see them always, flying past me so gracefully and beautiful. I would pretend it was my girl making a special visit to her mama.
Feathers, feathers defiantly would just appear not for me though,my hubby got feathers, my parents, his parents, the all found them in the most craziest places, in the garage when it was shut, floating into the workshop  at my hubbys work when he works at the back! He got big ones the one that appeared in his work shop was a beautiful one! The ones for everyone else were tiny little white or grey feathers. I think with me i just didnt notice or look. Once i started i started seeing them, they would just appear, it was crazy.
The biggest sign for me came from a friend.
I had been asking my little girl please send me a sign, come to me in my dreams,anything please just show me a sign.
I was back in the UK sat in my bed with my mama, when i got a msg, my heart skipped a million beats im sure of it, i chucked my phone in shock.
One of my oldest friends who i hadnt spoken to for ages, randomly msgd me saying....
She had been to see a physic and they told her that her friend had lost a baby girl, she thought of me straight away, she said that my baby is with me always, she is mischievous and moves things around.
Which is so funny the amount of times im positive i saw something right there and its just gone only to appear somewhere else. She said that my girl has her wings just like a butterfly!!
How beautiful, i cried, it was the best sign out of the blue i could have ever asked for.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 9 Surrender & Embrace

Surrender & Embrace 

Surrendering & embracing grief......
I have i feel embraced my grief my embracing was my only outlet to me surrendering to it in the first 6 months i totally surrendered to it because i had no option, i had to take on each day embracing it and trying to find the answers to being happy again and being ok again, or trying to find my girl in all i did, i tried too find the beauty again,accepting that she wasn't here and she wasn't coming back, embracing the world with a whole new face, if i didn't embrace it i couldn't surrender to it, this is in the first 6 months. I allowed my self to cry and cry, i allowed myself time to feel however i felt, i allowed my self to surrender.
Now its all so different, i had 6 solid months to grieve, then i got pregnant and a whole new journey began, through trying to grieve but trying to be positive for my baby, the embracing i forever tried but the surrendering went away, i didn't ever want to cave into it even though it was always with me, i suppose in a way i fought myself from going back to it scared of the pain and scared of being back in a place i didn't want to be in, knowing the emotion all to well i didnt want to face it.
I felt that i had moved away from it and its only now i know that i hadn't i just learnt to protect myself from it, im too scared to surrender, im too scared of that pain, i know how much it hurts so leaving it be works out for me but i know thats not the answer its not the way to deal with it, it will creep up on me, and it does but i only surrender when i physically cant go on.
Embracing it i can do, i accept that shes gone, and i remember her in every possible way. But surrendering to it thats what i dont do thats what i find hard right now.

                          Surrendering takes me back to the start, where it hurts too much......

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 8 BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES

Beautiful Mysteries

My little girl, from the moment i laid eyes on you you took my breath away, so precious and so beautiful, i couldn't believe how perfect you was, your dark hair, your perfect nose,lips,those eyes they looked so big, your dark eyebrows just perfectly shaping your little face.
I knew in that moment that you was the most beautiful little thing, in that moment i imagined it all.

You would be 2 and a half now, i see little girls your age all the time and my heart flips a beat my mind wanders off.....

Your so dam cute, your hair is curly just like mummys was, tight little ringlets, a full head of dark hair. Chubby cheeks, with these beautiful big brown eyes, your eyes light up the room they are so beautiful, your smile is super cheeky, you cant help but just smile and kiss your little face all over.
Your here, your mine, your ours, so beautiful and so cheeky.
A little girly girl, you like dresses & dolls all things girly, but your a dare devil too you dont mind getting dirty, having fun splashing around in puddles, climbing and exploring.
The world is yours to explore and you take every opportunity to do just that.
You amaze us in all you do. Your soul is precious little girl & mummy and daddy adore you.

My beautiful mysteries this is how i imagine you.

X x x

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 7 Myths

Myths

Time will heal,at this moment 2.5years after loosing Klya, i dont agree that time will heal.
I fully believe that time will never heal my broken heart.
You learn to live with it, thats the truth, you learn to carry you grief with you, trying to ignore it yet be open to it, its a on going cycle, the cycle of grief that for me is forever.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 6 Empthay

Empathy

Emotion -  its ok to show us your emotions, its our grief but we are fully aware that our story and our girl mattered to you to, showing us your emotion is ok, you will not upset us you will show us how much you care and that means so much to us.

Milestones - Through loosing our girl, we have lost our future with her, we have lost every little milestone, her first words, firsts steps, first birthday, first everything and this is our forever we will always be missing out on these milestones, help us on birthdays to celebrate her, help us to remember her, a little message to say I'm thinking of you today is all we need.

Patience - Allow us time, time to grieve, be patient with us as we try and find our way again, yes we will be a pain in the ass most of the time, but please don't give up on us, stick with us and with a little patience you'll help us through.

Advice - This is one where everyone wants to make you feel better, they have opinions and say all the not so helpful wrong things ;-) , reality is nothing will make us feel better, my advise is just be there you don't have to try and say the right things or try and say things as to why our baby isn't here, trust me you just being present is all we need.

Talk - Talk to us, talk about our baby this is what helps more than anything, you don't need to fill the silence with a random conversation, just talk to us, ask us how we are really feeling, how we are really doing, as time passes and you see us smiling again know we are still hurting so talk to us continue talking to us.

Hug - Hugs!! A big hug, everyone likes a hugs even me who can be totally awkward to one hugs help too. Hugs show love and that you care and this is what matters.

Aware - There will be triggers all over that remind us of what we are missing, so if you notice a silence, a little smile with a tear in our eyes, be aware that we are remembering and probably thinking of what would have been, how they would have been.

Years - As time passes, days into weeks. months into years,no matter how much times has passed, we will always be missing our little baby, our arms will still ache for them and our hearts will always be scarred with our babys print of life and love. Take time each year on their special date to remember them with us.

Kyla Sian O'Rourke our precious little angel above

Remember her with us.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 5 The unspoken

The unspoken

Miscarriage, baby loss, child loss this is the unspoken

1 in 4 people experience a loss

1 in 4!!! There are so many people who have experienced this deep heartache, so many people who are scared to talk about it, so many people who don't have support, who keep it all bottled in like they should move on and not to live in the past, its the unspoken taboo subject of miscarriage, baby loss and child loss.
Death touches us all no one can escape it, everyone will grieve and suffer the heartache of loss during the life.
So why when it comes to the miscarriage,baby loss and children should people feel like they cant talk about it.....
I always vowed i would never not speak about Kyla but there have been times when the question comes at me, is this your only baby speaking about my boy, i hate that sometimes i have answered yes, i have answered yes because i don't want to go there and see that look in peoples eyes, the shock, why is she telling me this, the pity in peoples faces and ok lets move on quickly.
No lets not move on quickly let me speak of my girl saying her name just for a second means the world.
I know its hard to hear, i know you cant help but be shocked and look at me with the sadness in your eyes, i know you want to move on quickly in fear of upsetting me.
But please know when i haven't acknowledged my girl through fear of hurting you, or fear of you thinking of me differently, its cut me like a knife and i have hated myself. If i do have the courage to answer no this is my second child, i lost my baby girl, don't brush me off too fast, let me tell you her name so i can tell you she mattered and she is loved beyond the world itself. It wont upset me i live with it daily its my forever.
Lets break the silence and make it something that people feel they can speak about freely just like death at an old age we can easily speak of this so lets make this subject the same.
My poor nana lost a baby girl, and hardly ever spoke of her, i would hear her name every so often, no one knows what happened, no one knows what she looked like or her birth weight, my nana had to carry on because back then that's how it was, how she coped i don't know i admire her strength so much.
Times have changed and we now have the voices and the opportunity to speak more about this, there are many social groups around many people spreading the awareness, as 1 in 4 means there are so many of us.
Capture your grief blows social media up the number of people participating is huge which speaks volumes, spread the awareness and let this not be the unspoken.
Every baby/child mattered and forever will.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 4 Support Circles

Support Circles

This was totally crucial for me after losing Kyla, i had my mum & dad bless them who had flown over from the UK, my husbands family,the support of my family from the UK,but mum and dad couldn't stay forever, some people had no idea how to help or be there for us,some people just walked away, life carried on, but for me i was stuck in that moment wrapped up in grief, i needed people who had been in my shoes i needed to know that it was possible to survive as i didn't think i could.
I found my support through Sands a charity for bereaved families who had suffered a loss.
I met some amazing people who in the first 12 months and on going were & are my best support, they got it, they showed me you could survive, although still a very lone journey just to know people who actually understood meant everything. They know the pain like no other & i have been blessed to meet so many beautiful angel mamas.
As time has passed i guess you don't lean on that support as much, we all try to not move on but move through, but you know they are always there for you there is a bond that only angel mamas know it links us together. We like to think our babies aren't alone they have each other just as we have each other.
Family played a huge part too, having that support and knowing they will always love and remember Kyla means the most, my best friend Sarah everyday without fail sent me messages just to let me know she was there & she cared that was support and a true best mate. My best mates here in NZ let me say her name and are there if i want to speak about her, not too many people want to know or are too scared to upset us, just by saying her name allows us to know you care and that Kyla mattered.
You loose people through loss unfortunately and we have learnt this but the ones who have stayed and walked by our side that is true support, they are all our support circles.

I lost my child today

This poem speaks volumes, time moves on so fast, people come and people go, so many things change, the world carries on, days and months and now years are drifting away,but one thing that still remains is the ache and the pain of losing you and missing you.
I feel it right in my heart just as I did the day you were taken away. It hurts so much.
This ache you can feel, the one that takes your breathe away, the ache that aches for you my little girl it will never go away forever and a day it will be their aching away, I know its a broken heart, one that will never heal, its your space, where all my love and my hurt for you lies, no one can ever heal this ache.

I love you and I miss you more and more, each day I think of you, I think of you when I wake, when your little brother smiles, when a little girl walks by, your always on my mind.
I do feel guilty that I don't have the time I used to, to sit and grieve and cry and go through the memoires of you, that time is filled with your little beautiful brother, but when he's sleeping, that time becomes yours again.
I think of the what ifs, what would you be doing now, what would you look like, would you be cheeky like your little brother, would you be giggly, tickalish, what would your hair be like, what would you like, dislike.....so many thoughts beginning with what would.
22 months old what would you be like.........

I struggle to look at your pictures and this kills me, but its hurts me so much, it takes me right back and I just cant handle it, I think having your little brother here its right their in my face, this is what I should have had with you, and that destroys me, its not fair and its not right, you should be here my girl. All the things Charlie is doing, saying dada,baba,mama, nearly crawling, laughing, his cheeky personality shinning through, its all new and its amazing and I adore him so much but I also know that I should have had all this with you my little girl and I had none of it none.

I'm just so sorry Ky, I still feel like I did something wrong, the place in me were you grew into this beautiful beautiful little girl, was also the place that took you away, me, my body, it took you away, I had no idea and that kills me and forever will.

I wrote the above a while ago, didnt post it for whatever reason.
Just read it now and nothing has changed I lost my child, my heart still aches, this post still stands just as it did a few months back when i wrote it.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 3 What it felt like

What it felt like.......


A nightmare, the worst nightmare you could ever imagine, and its on repeat, playing over and over & over. Every part of it you grasp onto, questioning, re living, not wanting to forgot, not wanting to remember.
I will never forgot that moment that turned from the most happiest moment of my life to the worst moment of my life, which i hate saying because there is nothing about my girl that is a nightmare its the events that took place, the greif that gripped my life and pulled it apart, its holding her in my arms while she slipped away yet i had only just saw her sweet precious beautiful little heart flickering away before the whole thing began.
Being told that there was nothing that could be done and that the best thing was to take her of life support as there was no hope, making that desicion to take her off, none of it felt real like i was  wathcing somebodys else's life crashing around them getting glimpses now and again...
oh no its me its us, its our baby girl lying their.
Leaving that hospital without her, coming home to a emtpy house, a perfect babys girls room sat there empty, a hospital bag full of new born baby girls clothes, knowing that nothing none of this was ever going to be worn or used, that feeling i cant even describe i dont have the words for how that felt.

I think this image shows it best, in her room, sat on the chair i should have been feeding and rocking her in, looking at a box that contained the only things from the hospital that touched her, the only sweet precious memories we had, holding a teddy that was now my baby as it has her ashes in the back, that raw feeling of emptiness.

EMPTY is how it felt.

#captureyourgrief #whathealsyou Day 2 Who they are

Who they are

KYLA SIAN O'ROURKE 7-3-14 

A question that will follow my around for the rest of my life, always wondering who you would be but what i do know is who you are right now to me in this moment and the moments that follow forver, your my first born, my little girl, my twinkling star, my angel above, you are my world, your my inspiration, you are the reason, you are who you are Kyla Sian O'Rourke, our little girl who changed our world, our little girl who lit up our hearts even through the devestation, your smile and your beauty the memories you gave us and the love you opened our hearts up to is you.

From the moment i found out i was pregnant and all the moments that follow, you became all the above, it is who you are and who you will always be.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 1 sunrise

Sunrise

You are my sunrise & you are my sunset, your my first thought and my last thought, just as the sun rises and as the sunsets.
A sunrise is a beautiful thing, just like you.
The light and the beauty that shine emerging over a calm sea, the sky colourful and vibrant.
This is what i picture when i think of you & a sunrising, bringing a new day and a new beginning.

A beautiful Rainbow Baby Boy hand picked by his sister in heaven

35 weeks & 5 days, 19th May 2015.
Our beautiful little rainbow baby made his safe arrival into the world.
Hand picked by his beautiful little angel sister in heaven.

Everyday I count my blessing for this little precious bundle we carry in our arms, I truly believe that his angel sister Kyla was with him every step of the way throughout this pregnancy, we had so many scares thinking we had lost him right at the start, bleeding the worst thing you really don't want to see when your pregnant. I said from the start I wanted this pregnancy to be totally different from Kyla's and my gosh was it! But I knew in my heart he was meant to be and his sister was there with him all the way.
To have life in my womb again, to feel his kicks and turns, knowing this is where his sister had grew and also slowly started to gain her angels wings was a beautiful blessing and the most frightening at the same time. I cant describe the fear I faced everyday, the stress, the pressure, the love I had already for this baby, the excitement, the hopes, the dreams, the reality of knowing that it could all be taken away just as it was with Kyla, this pregnancy was a pure mixture of happiness and fear, a long up and down roller-coaster with so many twists and turns, but the ending, a live baby, crying, breathing, life in him, a beating heart, beautiful eyes staring at us,our baby,our son,the rainbow through the storm, shinning bright, words cant even describe this! And I know I have his guardian angel to thank, my girl, I just know she made this happen and I know she made him strong enough, I feel she made this possible.
At 35 weeks, I had my usual midwife appointment, I happened to mention that I had itchy palms a little and that I felt I hadn't felt him as much as normal the day before, but I was doing my rainbow pregnancy photos so I just thought I hadn't been paying attention. As soon as I mentioned this I was sent for a scan, all was ok, he was fine, I was sent to the hospital for bloods and to be hooked up to the trace machine just to check on him, I was having contractions only small ones, so there was a lot going on, my fear and my anxiety kicked in majorly, all I could think was its happening again.
At the hospital I had to walk up to the birthing unit, hubby was at work so I made my way there and he was meeting me. I knew I had to walk up to the ward where I gave birth to my girl, I knew I had to walk past that room, the room where we all sat happy, full of excitement, not knowing the storm brewing was about to hit us hard, the room where her little lifeless body came into the world, I don't know how I did it, but I knew I had to be strong for my boy, he needed his mummy, auto pilot kicked in, I walked past that room with such a heavy heavy heart, pushing the fear and the memories away.
I went into a room which was identical to the room I was in labour in with Kyla, I had to block it out and somehow stop myself reliving it all. I think when I saw my heart rate and when I panicked my baby's heart rate went up too that kicked my ass into gear. I got monitored and sent home after a few hours, baby was ok, my contractions eased off, and my bloods had been taken, just had to wait on the results. The next night I woke up with intense itching, couldn't sleep, was so miserable and worried, I called my midwife next day explained about my itching, she called the hospital and they informed her I had cholestasis and I should go back so they can keep an eye on me and baby.
Seriously my heart sank, I just couldn't take any more, I cried and cried. Why was this happening, why was something going wrong again! I had so many opinions thrown at me about keeping the baby in until we reached 37 weeks at least, when we asked the question "what risk is their to our baby now" and heard the answer......your baby could die if the bile salts gets through the placenta.....we knew we had to get our baby out now. But yet we faced a fight, they didn't want to get our baby out, yet there was a risk to him, after everything we had already faced loosing Kyla, they put this on us.
Thank god to my amazing midwife, she contacted a OB who came too see us and said yes lets get your baby out, he's better out where if needed he can have the help, inside you is the danger.
My midwife and the OB I thank god everyday for these people, they made it possible, they got our baby boy out safely into the world.
We had a C-section on the 19h of May 2015 and at 9:04am our little boy came into the world, weighing a whopping 7.11lbs, and he cried! The one thing I longed to hear more than anything,was that cry, that was my greatest fear, when I heard it my heart I swear stopped and nothing but love poured into my heart for this miracle little boy.
He had thick black hair just like his sister, when I was taken to see him in NICU he was led in a incubator just next to where my girl had laid. I looked at him and he was her double, how could one corner be so painful and tear my world apart, yet where my boy laid there was hope and happiness, and our baby alive.

My boy top, my little angel bottom

Kyla taught me what real love is and so many lessons in those 9months and the past 18 months.
All the things that mattered before her, don't anymore, she has showed me so so much, and I'm forever grateful to be called her mummy, I'm grateful she is my daughter, and I will honour her and love her and carry her in my heart always.
Thank you my girl for giving me this beautiful little boy, thank you for helping get him here safely.

Having my rainbow baby hasn't healed my heart but he has brought us so so much, we smile real smiles again, we feel happiness, we have hopes and we have dreams. He is such a delight, every morning I pinch myself, is he real, is he ours, and yes he is, our boy, our world, our rainbow through the storm.

Life has given us this precious gift, to cherish and love, just as it did with Kyla X x x

Charlie O'Rourke

Week 30 - Rainbow baby

Week 30

9 More weeks to go!
I am so excited to meet this little rainbow of ours, but I am absolutely terrified beyond words.
Its all so surreal, my belly is massive, this little cheeky boy is so strong and his movements are like nothing I have ever seen, but I feel like I'm still walking in such a surreal world.
My world is full of excitement wanting more than anything to be a mummy to my earth baby, its my dream, its what we want more than anything, yet my world if full of what if's and trying to picture this little man coming into the world alive, its full of anxiety and fear.
I feel at the moment emotionally drained, physically done in, the finish line is drawing closer but yet it feels so far away, it feels like I wont make it.....
Trying to be positive is seeming impossible, some days are ok but some days I'm just overtaken with doubt.
I think to how happy we was just over a year ago, my belly huge, our future mapped out, no doubt, no fear, how did it come to loosing our girl.... & here I am a year later with a beautiful little boy in my belly but I'm filled with so much fear, can I get him here safely.... how can I be sure things are ok.
Its all so different from last time in everyway, is that good, is that bad.
I feel like crawling into a corner and hiding there until he's here, I don't want to put anyone through the pain of loosing someone so special and precious again, I'm so scared of that pain and seeing it again and seeing it in the faces of the people I love so much.
But why am I even thinking this!!!
Its that back and forward, fighting with the past and the future, trying too separate them, but sometimes falling into it, this is pregnancy after loss, your overtaken by what was and what happened, yet trying so much to be OK and believe it will be OK.
I'm so tiered from it all, I just want our little man here, alive in our arms.

Week 30 is a great milestone and I'm blessed and thankful to be here, and I know I have to pull everything that I have to keep positive and trust that this will be ok, for myself, my hubby and more importantly this little man. The next 9 weeks are going to be the toughest weeks of our lives, the unknown and the fear of the known.

28 weeks! 3rd Trimester!

Week  28 

Hello 3rd Trimester!
Hello constant anxiety & worry, well that's always been there but it seems to be stepping up a gear!
As the weeks are ticking by quite quickly, I guess the more real it all feels that my little man is going to be here soon.
My head is spinning thinking of everything and the one thing I cant stop thinking about it just getting him here safely. No matter how much reassurance it get, I cant stop the thoughts coming in.
It makes it so hard because Kyla was fine all the way through, she scored 8 out of 8 2 days before she was due, so its really hard to think ok he's ok, we have had a scan and all is good, because things where good last time!
But the c section date is all booked in now, and this is where its totally different, but still... I just want my baby to cry, I just want to hear his cry and see him wriggling.
What if things for me just go wrong at the end....its like the final hurdle, the major big step, breathe baby breathe, be alive.
I'm scared for him, he wont have the build up of being able to get ready like they do in labour as he'll just be pulled out, poor little thing, one minute he's in my belly the next he's out.
Urgh I just know to many stories now, I know too much of what can go wrong!
I cant wait to meet him, I just want him here safely in my arms.....alive.

Ok so what's been going on, in the last few weeks, I have felt him move like crazy! Totally different to what we felt with Kyla, I swear we will see his little foot inprint soon or his hand! He's awesome he pushes your hand up and down, and you can feel a little thing rolling around. I love it but it does feel crazy, not sure if its his knee or elbow, or even his hand!!
We had a quick scan a few days ago, we have our main 28 week one tomorrow to check on growth etc, and he was playing with his boy bits haha!! I nearly died when the guy scanning us said "oh he's being naughty and playing with his boy bits"....... really can they do that in the womb...is he going to be a big boy haha....I guess as he's kinda scrunched up he can find them easily.
So funny, that will be a moment for his 21st birthday!
My iron  levels are really low at 7 :( same as they was with Kyla. I don't like things being similar!
So I'm on the iron tablets and Iodine, Vitamin C & still on the aspirin.
They will be testing me for GBS soon which I'm so curious to know if it will show up or not....
Gosh I swear if I go into early labour and my waters break I will freak out.....all I will think is that the GBS is there and that's its going to get to him! Please don't let this happen, please!
As much a c section scares me, I cant go into labour I just cant, but I have a feeling I will for some reason, this is me where talking about, nothing goes to plan.

Its going to be a long 11 weeks, but hey time is ticking.
3RD trimester count down begins!