#captureyourgrief 2016 #waveoflight #whathealsyou Day 15 Wave of light

Wave of light

I love this day!!! Im so thankful to those who made this day for us, it gives us a day to spread the word,to share our babies,to remember them and let the world know about them.
Its heartbreaking that their are so many of us, but we can all come together and help each other and that is the beauty of this day, from all the corners around the world we spread the light of our angel babies.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 14 beliefs & spirituality

Beliefs & spirituality

I have never been a religious person, i wasn't brought up around religion so its never really been a big part of my life. My Nana was religious she would always say a pray & wear her cross necklace.
But other than that not a big part of my life.

When Kyla was in hospital having a MRI to check for any brain activity, i prayed, i prayed so hard for anything, i needed a miracle, i needed help, i needed god to prove in that moment that he heard and he could help. I remember lying on a bed cuddling my husband as he tried to sleep, right in front of me i saw a cross, ill never forget it.
It wasn't an actual cross, not a painting, or a hanging cross. it was like when there has been condensation and you can draw on the wall,someone had marked it with a cross.
I looked and it scared me for some reason, now i think it was a sign, the sign that she wasn't going to make it, the sign i guess of death to be brutally honest, the room had been marked.
My girls ashes are in a teddy and around the teddy's neck is a pink cross.

Do i believe in god.....
I'm not sure, i want to, but i just don't know.
I want to believe my girl is up their with him, playing in gods garden.
Its hard to believe i guess when the worst thing has happened to you, how can these cruel cruel things happen, everyone said around me where is god now, i said and i say don't blame him he got her here for 16 hours he made sure we had precious moments, he gave us our boy , i have to believe he did i guess i try to believe in god but i struggle.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 13 Dear World

Dear World

The journey me & my hubby have been on for the last 8 years has been so so hard.
We are both emotionally & physically broken from it, but we are still standing, and we are standing together somehow!
No one can ever truly understand the crap that has been thrown our way and i wouldnt want anyone too, this is our path and our journey.
Everything seems to always be a battle, we have to fight all the way for so much.
I guess i want to say Dear world you deal the shittest cards but me and my man will always get up, we have been through hell and back from the day we decided to have a baby, the fertility issues, the loss of our girl,the trauma that followed it,the pregnancy with our boy, getting our boy here safely, and oh so much more & it continues but we are strong and we are stronger than ever.
Dear world give us a break haha but seriously life is a bitch but its also the one life you get there is alot of beauty out there, dont give up, dont loose hope, after all we have been through and trust me its never ending if we can both still be standing and smiling at the end then, anyone can.
Never give up, dont loose yourself too much as grief can take so much away but it can also open you up to life live it to the fullest no matter what shit gets thrown at you.

Find the beauty in the moment

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 12 Positive & blessings

Positive & blessings

What can come from loosing your baby, what blessing can surely come from it all.

I guess for me to help others is what makes me positive to continue through my loss.
I searched so much through so many sites to try and find people, i couldn't do this on my own, i needed to meet people who had walked this path, i needed to see that you can survive,hand on heart i truly thought i couldn't survive this, i saw no light, i saw darkness.
So and only recently i volunteered to be a member of Sands a charity for bereaved parents.
I want to help people, i want to let them know that i am here, i have walked the walk and I'm walking the path and that they are not alone. I hope to continue doing this and help people in anyway i can.

My blessing is my bog Charlie. He wouldn't be here if i didn't carry the hope, he wouldn't be here if and this is what i believe that his sister sent him to us, our true blessing.
The one that helped in so many ways for me to see the light again. True blessing.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 11 Creative Heartwork

Creative Heartwork

I have my tatoo, my Kyla corner,her hands & feet,her garden & of course her,the teddy holds her ashes, it holds my girl.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 10 signs & symbols

Signs & symbols

At first i looked for signs everywhere, always looking, always asking, desperate to see something.
Butterflies was my number one sign, Monarch butterflies, i would see them always, flying past me so gracefully and beautiful. I would pretend it was my girl making a special visit to her mama.
Feathers, feathers defiantly would just appear not for me though,my hubby got feathers, my parents, his parents, the all found them in the most craziest places, in the garage when it was shut, floating into the workshop  at my hubbys work when he works at the back! He got big ones the one that appeared in his work shop was a beautiful one! The ones for everyone else were tiny little white or grey feathers. I think with me i just didnt notice or look. Once i started i started seeing them, they would just appear, it was crazy.
The biggest sign for me came from a friend.
I had been asking my little girl please send me a sign, come to me in my dreams,anything please just show me a sign.
I was back in the UK sat in my bed with my mama, when i got a msg, my heart skipped a million beats im sure of it, i chucked my phone in shock.
One of my oldest friends who i hadnt spoken to for ages, randomly msgd me saying....
She had been to see a physic and they told her that her friend had lost a baby girl, she thought of me straight away, she said that my baby is with me always, she is mischievous and moves things around.
Which is so funny the amount of times im positive i saw something right there and its just gone only to appear somewhere else. She said that my girl has her wings just like a butterfly!!
How beautiful, i cried, it was the best sign out of the blue i could have ever asked for.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 9 Surrender & Embrace

Surrender & Embrace 

Surrendering & embracing grief......
I have i feel embraced my grief my embracing was my only outlet to me surrendering to it in the first 6 months i totally surrendered to it because i had no option, i had to take on each day embracing it and trying to find the answers to being happy again and being ok again, or trying to find my girl in all i did, i tried too find the beauty again,accepting that she wasn't here and she wasn't coming back, embracing the world with a whole new face, if i didn't embrace it i couldn't surrender to it, this is in the first 6 months. I allowed my self to cry and cry, i allowed myself time to feel however i felt, i allowed my self to surrender.
Now its all so different, i had 6 solid months to grieve, then i got pregnant and a whole new journey began, through trying to grieve but trying to be positive for my baby, the embracing i forever tried but the surrendering went away, i didn't ever want to cave into it even though it was always with me, i suppose in a way i fought myself from going back to it scared of the pain and scared of being back in a place i didn't want to be in, knowing the emotion all to well i didnt want to face it.
I felt that i had moved away from it and its only now i know that i hadn't i just learnt to protect myself from it, im too scared to surrender, im too scared of that pain, i know how much it hurts so leaving it be works out for me but i know thats not the answer its not the way to deal with it, it will creep up on me, and it does but i only surrender when i physically cant go on.
Embracing it i can do, i accept that shes gone, and i remember her in every possible way. But surrendering to it thats what i dont do thats what i find hard right now.

                          Surrendering takes me back to the start, where it hurts too much......