#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 4 Support Circles

Support Circles

This was totally crucial for me after losing Kyla, i had my mum & dad bless them who had flown over from the UK, my husbands family,the support of my family from the UK,but mum and dad couldn't stay forever, some people had no idea how to help or be there for us,some people just walked away, life carried on, but for me i was stuck in that moment wrapped up in grief, i needed people who had been in my shoes i needed to know that it was possible to survive as i didn't think i could.
I found my support through Sands a charity for bereaved families who had suffered a loss.
I met some amazing people who in the first 12 months and on going were & are my best support, they got it, they showed me you could survive, although still a very lone journey just to know people who actually understood meant everything. They know the pain like no other & i have been blessed to meet so many beautiful angel mamas.
As time has passed i guess you don't lean on that support as much, we all try to not move on but move through, but you know they are always there for you there is a bond that only angel mamas know it links us together. We like to think our babies aren't alone they have each other just as we have each other.
Family played a huge part too, having that support and knowing they will always love and remember Kyla means the most, my best friend Sarah everyday without fail sent me messages just to let me know she was there & she cared that was support and a true best mate. My best mates here in NZ let me say her name and are there if i want to speak about her, not too many people want to know or are too scared to upset us, just by saying her name allows us to know you care and that Kyla mattered.
You loose people through loss unfortunately and we have learnt this but the ones who have stayed and walked by our side that is true support, they are all our support circles.

I lost my child today

This poem speaks volumes, time moves on so fast, people come and people go, so many things change, the world carries on, days and months and now years are drifting away,but one thing that still remains is the ache and the pain of losing you and missing you.
I feel it right in my heart just as I did the day you were taken away. It hurts so much.
This ache you can feel, the one that takes your breathe away, the ache that aches for you my little girl it will never go away forever and a day it will be their aching away, I know its a broken heart, one that will never heal, its your space, where all my love and my hurt for you lies, no one can ever heal this ache.

I love you and I miss you more and more, each day I think of you, I think of you when I wake, when your little brother smiles, when a little girl walks by, your always on my mind.
I do feel guilty that I don't have the time I used to, to sit and grieve and cry and go through the memoires of you, that time is filled with your little beautiful brother, but when he's sleeping, that time becomes yours again.
I think of the what ifs, what would you be doing now, what would you look like, would you be cheeky like your little brother, would you be giggly, tickalish, what would your hair be like, what would you like, dislike.....so many thoughts beginning with what would.
22 months old what would you be like.........

I struggle to look at your pictures and this kills me, but its hurts me so much, it takes me right back and I just cant handle it, I think having your little brother here its right their in my face, this is what I should have had with you, and that destroys me, its not fair and its not right, you should be here my girl. All the things Charlie is doing, saying dada,baba,mama, nearly crawling, laughing, his cheeky personality shinning through, its all new and its amazing and I adore him so much but I also know that I should have had all this with you my little girl and I had none of it none.

I'm just so sorry Ky, I still feel like I did something wrong, the place in me were you grew into this beautiful beautiful little girl, was also the place that took you away, me, my body, it took you away, I had no idea and that kills me and forever will.

I wrote the above a while ago, didnt post it for whatever reason.
Just read it now and nothing has changed I lost my child, my heart still aches, this post still stands just as it did a few months back when i wrote it.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 3 What it felt like

What it felt like.......


A nightmare, the worst nightmare you could ever imagine, and its on repeat, playing over and over & over. Every part of it you grasp onto, questioning, re living, not wanting to forgot, not wanting to remember.
I will never forgot that moment that turned from the most happiest moment of my life to the worst moment of my life, which i hate saying because there is nothing about my girl that is a nightmare its the events that took place, the greif that gripped my life and pulled it apart, its holding her in my arms while she slipped away yet i had only just saw her sweet precious beautiful little heart flickering away before the whole thing began.
Being told that there was nothing that could be done and that the best thing was to take her of life support as there was no hope, making that desicion to take her off, none of it felt real like i was  wathcing somebodys else's life crashing around them getting glimpses now and again...
oh no its me its us, its our baby girl lying their.
Leaving that hospital without her, coming home to a emtpy house, a perfect babys girls room sat there empty, a hospital bag full of new born baby girls clothes, knowing that nothing none of this was ever going to be worn or used, that feeling i cant even describe i dont have the words for how that felt.

I think this image shows it best, in her room, sat on the chair i should have been feeding and rocking her in, looking at a box that contained the only things from the hospital that touched her, the only sweet precious memories we had, holding a teddy that was now my baby as it has her ashes in the back, that raw feeling of emptiness.

EMPTY is how it felt.

#captureyourgrief #whathealsyou Day 2 Who they are

Who they are

KYLA SIAN O'ROURKE 7-3-14 

A question that will follow my around for the rest of my life, always wondering who you would be but what i do know is who you are right now to me in this moment and the moments that follow forver, your my first born, my little girl, my twinkling star, my angel above, you are my world, your my inspiration, you are the reason, you are who you are Kyla Sian O'Rourke, our little girl who changed our world, our little girl who lit up our hearts even through the devestation, your smile and your beauty the memories you gave us and the love you opened our hearts up to is you.

From the moment i found out i was pregnant and all the moments that follow, you became all the above, it is who you are and who you will always be.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 1 sunrise

Sunrise

You are my sunrise & you are my sunset, your my first thought and my last thought, just as the sun rises and as the sunsets.
A sunrise is a beautiful thing, just like you.
The light and the beauty that shine emerging over a calm sea, the sky colourful and vibrant.
This is what i picture when i think of you & a sunrising, bringing a new day and a new beginning.

A beautiful Rainbow Baby Boy hand picked by his sister in heaven

35 weeks & 5 days, 19th May 2015.
Our beautiful little rainbow baby made his safe arrival into the world.
Hand picked by his beautiful little angel sister in heaven.

Everyday I count my blessing for this little precious bundle we carry in our arms, I truly believe that his angel sister Kyla was with him every step of the way throughout this pregnancy, we had so many scares thinking we had lost him right at the start, bleeding the worst thing you really don't want to see when your pregnant. I said from the start I wanted this pregnancy to be totally different from Kyla's and my gosh was it! But I knew in my heart he was meant to be and his sister was there with him all the way.
To have life in my womb again, to feel his kicks and turns, knowing this is where his sister had grew and also slowly started to gain her angels wings was a beautiful blessing and the most frightening at the same time. I cant describe the fear I faced everyday, the stress, the pressure, the love I had already for this baby, the excitement, the hopes, the dreams, the reality of knowing that it could all be taken away just as it was with Kyla, this pregnancy was a pure mixture of happiness and fear, a long up and down roller-coaster with so many twists and turns, but the ending, a live baby, crying, breathing, life in him, a beating heart, beautiful eyes staring at us,our baby,our son,the rainbow through the storm, shinning bright, words cant even describe this! And I know I have his guardian angel to thank, my girl, I just know she made this happen and I know she made him strong enough, I feel she made this possible.
At 35 weeks, I had my usual midwife appointment, I happened to mention that I had itchy palms a little and that I felt I hadn't felt him as much as normal the day before, but I was doing my rainbow pregnancy photos so I just thought I hadn't been paying attention. As soon as I mentioned this I was sent for a scan, all was ok, he was fine, I was sent to the hospital for bloods and to be hooked up to the trace machine just to check on him, I was having contractions only small ones, so there was a lot going on, my fear and my anxiety kicked in majorly, all I could think was its happening again.
At the hospital I had to walk up to the birthing unit, hubby was at work so I made my way there and he was meeting me. I knew I had to walk up to the ward where I gave birth to my girl, I knew I had to walk past that room, the room where we all sat happy, full of excitement, not knowing the storm brewing was about to hit us hard, the room where her little lifeless body came into the world, I don't know how I did it, but I knew I had to be strong for my boy, he needed his mummy, auto pilot kicked in, I walked past that room with such a heavy heavy heart, pushing the fear and the memories away.
I went into a room which was identical to the room I was in labour in with Kyla, I had to block it out and somehow stop myself reliving it all. I think when I saw my heart rate and when I panicked my baby's heart rate went up too that kicked my ass into gear. I got monitored and sent home after a few hours, baby was ok, my contractions eased off, and my bloods had been taken, just had to wait on the results. The next night I woke up with intense itching, couldn't sleep, was so miserable and worried, I called my midwife next day explained about my itching, she called the hospital and they informed her I had cholestasis and I should go back so they can keep an eye on me and baby.
Seriously my heart sank, I just couldn't take any more, I cried and cried. Why was this happening, why was something going wrong again! I had so many opinions thrown at me about keeping the baby in until we reached 37 weeks at least, when we asked the question "what risk is their to our baby now" and heard the answer......your baby could die if the bile salts gets through the placenta.....we knew we had to get our baby out now. But yet we faced a fight, they didn't want to get our baby out, yet there was a risk to him, after everything we had already faced loosing Kyla, they put this on us.
Thank god to my amazing midwife, she contacted a OB who came too see us and said yes lets get your baby out, he's better out where if needed he can have the help, inside you is the danger.
My midwife and the OB I thank god everyday for these people, they made it possible, they got our baby boy out safely into the world.
We had a C-section on the 19h of May 2015 and at 9:04am our little boy came into the world, weighing a whopping 7.11lbs, and he cried! The one thing I longed to hear more than anything,was that cry, that was my greatest fear, when I heard it my heart I swear stopped and nothing but love poured into my heart for this miracle little boy.
He had thick black hair just like his sister, when I was taken to see him in NICU he was led in a incubator just next to where my girl had laid. I looked at him and he was her double, how could one corner be so painful and tear my world apart, yet where my boy laid there was hope and happiness, and our baby alive.

My boy top, my little angel bottom

Kyla taught me what real love is and so many lessons in those 9months and the past 18 months.
All the things that mattered before her, don't anymore, she has showed me so so much, and I'm forever grateful to be called her mummy, I'm grateful she is my daughter, and I will honour her and love her and carry her in my heart always.
Thank you my girl for giving me this beautiful little boy, thank you for helping get him here safely.

Having my rainbow baby hasn't healed my heart but he has brought us so so much, we smile real smiles again, we feel happiness, we have hopes and we have dreams. He is such a delight, every morning I pinch myself, is he real, is he ours, and yes he is, our boy, our world, our rainbow through the storm.

Life has given us this precious gift, to cherish and love, just as it did with Kyla X x x

Charlie O'Rourke

Week 30 - Rainbow baby

Week 30

9 More weeks to go!
I am so excited to meet this little rainbow of ours, but I am absolutely terrified beyond words.
Its all so surreal, my belly is massive, this little cheeky boy is so strong and his movements are like nothing I have ever seen, but I feel like I'm still walking in such a surreal world.
My world is full of excitement wanting more than anything to be a mummy to my earth baby, its my dream, its what we want more than anything, yet my world if full of what if's and trying to picture this little man coming into the world alive, its full of anxiety and fear.
I feel at the moment emotionally drained, physically done in, the finish line is drawing closer but yet it feels so far away, it feels like I wont make it.....
Trying to be positive is seeming impossible, some days are ok but some days I'm just overtaken with doubt.
I think to how happy we was just over a year ago, my belly huge, our future mapped out, no doubt, no fear, how did it come to loosing our girl.... & here I am a year later with a beautiful little boy in my belly but I'm filled with so much fear, can I get him here safely.... how can I be sure things are ok.
Its all so different from last time in everyway, is that good, is that bad.
I feel like crawling into a corner and hiding there until he's here, I don't want to put anyone through the pain of loosing someone so special and precious again, I'm so scared of that pain and seeing it again and seeing it in the faces of the people I love so much.
But why am I even thinking this!!!
Its that back and forward, fighting with the past and the future, trying too separate them, but sometimes falling into it, this is pregnancy after loss, your overtaken by what was and what happened, yet trying so much to be OK and believe it will be OK.
I'm so tiered from it all, I just want our little man here, alive in our arms.

Week 30 is a great milestone and I'm blessed and thankful to be here, and I know I have to pull everything that I have to keep positive and trust that this will be ok, for myself, my hubby and more importantly this little man. The next 9 weeks are going to be the toughest weeks of our lives, the unknown and the fear of the known.