An empty heart, a world that's just broken apart, your life ripped apart, its not what it was, its new, its a horrible new, its not you...the old you has gone, its the new you & its a new world.
Loosing a child, is like being re born, nothing feels right, because for us it isn't right anymore.
Things look the same, people rushing around as normal, time keeps ticking, but for us its like learning to live in this big world again, its not the beautiful world I once saw, its raw, its sad and full of heartache.
I not only grieve for my beautiful baby every waking day, I grieve for me , as I`m not me anymore I have changed, I grieve for the beauty I saw in the world, I grieve for my old life, I grieve for happiness, maybe the ignorance I had to the harsh reality I now know off, I grieve for that happiness I felt and the hope and dreams I had for my baby.

The new me is anxious, scared, I question the world now.....oh to be confident and breeze through life like I used too, I`m grieving for it all.

Things hadn't been easy for us right from trying to have baby, but we`d finally got to that stage, of not being jealous of every bump we saw, or mums and bubs at coffee groups, new born babies all around us, we where finally going to be part of it all.
And then its gone in a heartbeat, how, how do you recover and live again. A room full of memories, a cot, a bassinet, so many clothes, empty beautiful shoes that have should have tiny little feet filling them, you pack it away & walk in there daily to the few things you just cant bring your self to take down just yet, and its all just memories of if only......its a new room now & it will never be the way it was for our Kyla. It hurts so much! An empty new room, like the emptiness in my heart.

Its only been 3 months since we lost our girl, and I know we either sink or swim, and I want to swim, I want to survive, but not only survive, I want to see that beauty again, the beauty in the world.

One thing I know is that it will take time, it wont heal....never will this heal...,..but we just have to learn about this new world and try to see the beauty again.

I think this picture reflects me & my life at the moment, the trees are bare, no life hardly there, when I was pregnant I walked here daily, the trees where so green, there was beauty.
Maybe soon I`ll walk past these trees and they will be full of leaves and life again, I hope I am too.