This beautiful lady here is my Nana, she sadly passed away a while ago now, She was such an amazing, strong, kind, loving lady, someone I look up to and can only hope one day I will be like my amazing beautiful nan.
My nan had a story, a story that was never really told, we all knew a fraction of her story but now I know how much of it was untold. Nan had 5 children, one of whom was handicapped my uncle Jim, my amazing dad, my uncle Frank & my uncle Jeff, her husband left her, left her for someone else and she had to raise all four children on her own, I always knew this about my nan, and I always thought what an inspiration she is, she never gave up, she worked & raised 4 children all on her own, with my uncle obviously needing a lot more, but she did it and she never moaned, she just got on with it being the best mother she could be.
The 5th child who was her first child, was a little girl, a little girl called Doreen, Doreen didn't make it, she was born and died shortly afterwards. When I was born Nan said I looked exactly like Doreen.
I knew this, I knew she had a baby girl who died and that I looked like her.

This is all I knew, I never really if I`m honest paid much attention to it.....until now, until I now understand, until I now walk in my Nana's shoes, I now understand what this amazing, loving lady went through.
What hurts me the most, is knowing, that we both lost a baby girl, the first child we carried we both lost shortly after birth, I don't know what Doreen died off, no one does.
I don't know anything about this little girl, who I looked like, and now I know that Kyla would have looked like her too, Kyla was my double.
There are no pictures, there are no memories, no one knows anything about her, apart from my nan, who never spoke a word of it, only a mention of her name at the church.
My path is different, I have support, I have heaps of memories in that short 16 hours of my girls life, I have so much.
My nan had nothing, and I don't think she would have had support, I don't think she would have grieved properly, maybe on her own when nobody knew, but what did she have, who helped her, why did Doreen die, how did she cope, I have so many questions.....
I feel so sad knowing what she went through, knowing her pain & knowing nothing else.
When Kyla passed all I wanted to do is ask my Nana how she got through it, how did she survive it....

But I guess, I can take the memories of my nan, and remember she was happy, she had 4 beautiful baby boys after Doreen, I know she carried Doreen with her always in her heart, and I know that my nan survived and I know she survived more than likely on her own.
How times have changed, and I guess I`m thankful for that, but I feel so sad for my Nana, I feel sad just to know she knows this pain, it was her inside pain, that no one could see, now I know it was there, just like mine.

My nan is more amazing now and more of an inspiration to me, such a strong lady, so brave, so beautiful and she always kept her faith, so for my Kyla, for Doreen & for my Nana, I will have faith that things will be ok, and I will take the fact I was blessed to have you as my Nana, I will carry your strength with me.

I close my eyes, and I see you all, my daughter, my Nana, my Nana Mck and my auntie Doreen & my uncle Jim, your happy, your safe, you walked passed heavens gate, to a place far away and that's where you`ll all stay, you`ll wait for the day when we can all embrace again, & ill keep you all locked in my heart until then.

Love & miss you all for ever and a day X x X

                                          (Nans favourite song "The Old Rugged Cross")

Sometimes you have to pray & ask god to help you, I`m not really religious, I want to believe and I want to have faith, so today I took my special cross in my hand, and I held it tight, I asked for god to help us and asked him to make us believe, re store our hope and faith. Today I pray he heard.........

We have started the journey again, trying to get pregnant, its only been a few months since we lost you our perfect little girl, we want more than anything to be blessed with a brother or sister for you.
I think we need this more than anything, we want a family, we have an angel the most perfect angel Kyla Sian, it wasn't what we planned, Id give the world for you to be here but I know that you cant be and wont be & we hope and pray that we can have a baby, to help us heal a little and create our family.
I have had my bloods done daily, since Monday, and today I was called in to do the IUI, fingers crossed the timing is right, and a miracle can be created.
It was the same room, the exact room over a year ago, where we had the same procedure and my baby girl was created, our miracle, our blessing. Being in the room, led on the bed, nothing had changed in that room since a year ago, only our journey, our story....

And now its all being done again, with our angel baby I hope by our side or watching from above.
We will find out in 2 weeks or so if it has worked.........I pray that is has.
But I`m a believer in what will be will be, if its meant to be it will be.
I also think with all the shit cards we have been dealt, we deserve a happy ending.......

A rainbow baby :-)

This rainbow appeared yesterday, I thought of it as a sign, a sign that things will be ok. that your ok my gorgeous girl.
There was a guy with his daughter, they stopped right next me, they had a little puppy, the puppy was playing with my dog Summer, I called Summer`s name and the little girl said "is that your dogs name?" , I said yes, she smiled and said her name is Summer. Then she called her dog, her little puppy dog, the name was Charlie, call it coincidence, but from the word go, me & the hubby always said, we will have a boy and we love the name Charlie.
When I got pregnant we used to call the little jelly bean Charlie, we thought it was a boy. Of course it wasn't it was our beautiful daughter, but when she said her dogs name and the rainbow was amazing me at the same time, I did think, is this a sign????

An empty heart, a world that's just broken apart, your life ripped apart, its not what it was, its new, its a horrible new, its not you...the old you has gone, its the new you & its a new world.
Loosing a child, is like being re born, nothing feels right, because for us it isn't right anymore.
Things look the same, people rushing around as normal, time keeps ticking, but for us its like learning to live in this big world again, its not the beautiful world I once saw, its raw, its sad and full of heartache.
I not only grieve for my beautiful baby every waking day, I grieve for me , as I`m not me anymore I have changed, I grieve for the beauty I saw in the world, I grieve for my old life, I grieve for happiness, maybe the ignorance I had to the harsh reality I now know off, I grieve for that happiness I felt and the hope and dreams I had for my baby.

The new me is anxious, scared, I question the world now.....oh to be confident and breeze through life like I used too, I`m grieving for it all.

Things hadn't been easy for us right from trying to have baby, but we`d finally got to that stage, of not being jealous of every bump we saw, or mums and bubs at coffee groups, new born babies all around us, we where finally going to be part of it all.
And then its gone in a heartbeat, how, how do you recover and live again. A room full of memories, a cot, a bassinet, so many clothes, empty beautiful shoes that have should have tiny little feet filling them, you pack it away & walk in there daily to the few things you just cant bring your self to take down just yet, and its all just memories of if only......its a new room now & it will never be the way it was for our Kyla. It hurts so much! An empty new room, like the emptiness in my heart.

Its only been 3 months since we lost our girl, and I know we either sink or swim, and I want to swim, I want to survive, but not only survive, I want to see that beauty again, the beauty in the world.

One thing I know is that it will take time, it wont heal....never will this heal...,..but we just have to learn about this new world and try to see the beauty again.

I think this picture reflects me & my life at the moment, the trees are bare, no life hardly there, when I was pregnant I walked here daily, the trees where so green, there was beauty.
Maybe soon I`ll walk past these trees and they will be full of leaves and life again, I hope I am too.

The happiest day of our life 22/6/13...

A year...a whole year, where has that time gone, just shows time stops for nobody.

The 22nd June 2013, has to be the happiest day (along with our wedding day of course) of our life.
The day we found out that we where pregnant, I will never  forget that phone call.....
See we had been trying for a while, easily for 5 years, we had been going to a fertility clinic and began the process of IUI, the first attempt was in May, it didn't happen but then on the 2nd try in June, it happened! No drugs, nothing just a little helping hand to get us there.

When the nurse called me, I was at work, I had my bloods taken that morning, & was waiting on the results to see if I was pregnant or not....
I had pretty much convinced myself that I wasn't, but when she called & said "My dear, you are positively pregnant", I was in shock, I actually didn't believe her, I ran out of work, & got to the nearest chemist to buy a test.
I remember rushing home knowing that the hubby would be home any minute, I peed on that stick so fast, & waited for the positive line to show.....It did, makes me smile just thinking about it, I was so happy.
This was the day our world changed, expecting a baby, expecting a baby for life.
The first 8 weeks where so scary, I had to go & get bloods everyday for the first week to check my HCG levels had gone up,  and I was so paranoid about everything, google was choice for all my symptom's!
The next 10 months where amazing, it was the happiest we had been in a long time.

Only it didn't end that way, it changed in the worst way possible, & that will forever be that way, this way, our beautiful girl an angel above, empty arms and a pain and ache permanently etched in our hearts.

Today the 23rd June 2014, I`m going to get my bloods checked, to see when I surge and when the best time would be to try the IUI, a year later, who would have thought we would near enough to the date be doing this again, we have decided to try again,  & so it all begins....

How your life can change, how your world can be tipped up side down, it can happen & its happens, it happens In the blink of an eye.

Never expected the unexpected.

I hope my angel that you are with us and I hope you can help us be blessed with a little brother or sister for you, know you are our world Kyla, you was from that very first phone call when we found out, and you will always be our everything, I wish you was here & mummy could be your angel, that way I could watch you everyday & keep you safe.

Wish us luck baby girl, I think we really need it.


No one knows

No one knows the tears I cry
The pain that's so deep inside
It tugs at my heart
It takes my breathe away
I feel like my memories are fading away
A missing part
My girl, my heart
I feel like my soul is being ripped apart
I try to be strong
But I keep falling apart
Cus nobody knows the pain in my heart

Saddness & anger...Missing my girl

I think of you every day, every moment my eyes open, I`m thinking of you......my angel baby.

I never knew what people meant when they said you feel your heart is broken you feel the pain, I do now, its a constant hurt a constant pain, but I guess that is where you will live in me Kyla in that broken place and I will never seal it up, you will always be with me and that I would not change in a million years.
I loved you from the moment I knew we was pregnant, those 9 months where just amazing, watching my belly grow, feeling you moving and kicking, seeing you on each scan and just falling in love with you each and every day, when you came into the world & took my breath away and when you left us and gained your angel wings , I have never felt love like it.
I miss you so much, my arms ache for you, my soul aches for you.

We finally got your medical report on what happened, and 3 weeks after we finally got to understand what exactly happened, what this 9 page medical report was actually telling us.
It broke me again, me & your daddy, just to know what exactly took you away... You went through so much & I`m just so heartbroken.
We went back to the hospital, we walked through the same doors we walked through when you was still in my belly about to be born, but you was alive last time I walked through those doors.
We went to the ward, I saw the door to the room I was in when I went into labour, that same room where our world fell apart. It was so hard, I sat in the waiting room waiting to see the OB & I just cried, I couldn't stop thinking that's where it all started just down there, that's where my beautiful little girl was & you was alive, but now you have gone and here we are finding out way. No one should have to go through this no one.

What the OB told us shocked me, it wasn't what I thought, and now all I can think is it could have been so different! And I`m sorry baby girl, I didn't know.
They say it was an infection called Strep B, which basically I didn't know I had or have, it must have been serve as from either the sweep or when my waters where broken, it got to you and gave you pneumonia & then your little body was deprived of oxygen from parental asphyxia & it started to shut down, the infection made you too weak to deal with everything. There was me thinking about all the pain I was in trying to push you out, little did I know what was happening to you. I cant help but feel like I should have known, I`m your mummy, I should have known.
I`m so angry that a simple swab could have been done, and then we would have known maybe, if only at around the 37 week mark they would have tested me as this when it likely to show positive, but oh no, no I didn't have symptoms and it would cost money to do this, so It wasn't done, and this was the result, it infected you and killed you. It should be tested plain and simple, it dangerous to baby`s so why not test!!!! If I had antibiotics through labour its more than likely you wouldn't have got it.......This destroys me!! Its hurts me to the core! Why oh why don't they test it should be mandatory, if they know it can lead to pneumonia and meningitis and death WHY not test!! & the fact it shows no symptoms, it should be common practice!  I have never even heard of it...great hey!

How do I feel now knowing, I`m angry, I`m angry thinking that maybe just maybe this could have been prevented, with a simple swab. But maybe not who knows.

I just miss my twinkling little bundle, when your hopes & dreams have been turned upside down, its a hard hard journey, & I to think its only really just began, where still at the start of it.

Your my inspiration to carry on though baby girl, every breath and step I take is for you and I believe I`m taking them with you.

I want to change the world at the moment, I want to scream to every pregnant women about strep B, and I want to help and change things for parents when they face such a huge loss in their lives, that's so unexpected and rocks you to the core. You Kyla your my inspiration to do this.

Love you always my angel baby X x x