So here we are 17 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby!
Thank you my little angel for making Mummy & Daddy lucky enough to be blessed again.
Even looking at these pictures, sitting here with my big belly feeling little tiny movements it still seems so unreal but it feels so right at the same time.
The biggest thing that isn't right is that your not here with us but I truly think you helped us in getting this little miracle, your little brother or sister.
Me & Daddy are actually smiling again......
Its been the so hard these last 17 weeks, harder than I actually thought it would.
I mean I knew I would be anxious and nervous but I wasn't prepared for how anxious and nervous and scared I would be, we would be.
7th October - We got the phone call from the clinic, our first round ever of IVF was successful, we are pregnant! HCG reading 158, good reading.
I was shocked but super happy!!!!
11th October - HCG reading 1170, such a great feeling knowing it was going up exactly how it should be!
17th October - HCG reading 6878, wow its shot up, we really do have a baby on board.
23rd October - HCG reading 32,193, it hit us its happening we are pregnant, we have a baby in mummy's belly again.
Feelings crept in, there is a baby in my belly, this is so strange, I just had a baby in belly my girl, now there is a new baby in my belly......Can I get this baby here safely?? What if it happens again?
Feelings of guilt, you was just there Kyla, I spent 9months bonding and talking and falling in love with you, I'm scared so scared to bond again, I cant take the pain of anything happening....I cant do this.
7 weeks pregnant - Our scan was booked in, so nervous, was the baby there, was it in the right place..? will it be alive?? I questioned myself so many times why am I panicking thinking the worst, with Kyla I wasn't scared, it was all excitement, she was ok from the beginning, but it ended so badly, but she was ok it was just the end. I think after loosing Kyla I've heard so many stories about what happened to other people, I have all these new fears. But have to remind myself this is me, my story.
The day before the scan, I had a huge row, with somebody not even worth the words on my story, but it caused me so much stress, I bled and passed a clot. I thought it was over........
We went for a scan straight away, and to our relief the little baba was there, the heartbeat was strong we heard it, we saw our rainbow for the first time! we fell in love!
Shame for our first scan it had to be the way it was, the excitement that we did feel leading up to it, was taken from us. But thank god he looked after us and our baby was ok.
Week 8 - Wow all the symptoms had truly kicked, nausea, tiredness, grumpiness.
I recognised them all. It was like it was yesterday & lets face it was really. I had what 6 months of not being pregnant. And those symptoms you just don't forget. I was happy they was there.
Time to find a midwife, I searched and googled and looked at each profile intently. We need someone with a lot of experience, who will understand we need extra care. Last time I didn't even really look I was so easy about it all, like yep she'll do....how naïve of me, how stupid of me! But I found a lovely lady, so we have our midwife!
Week 9 - Feeling so sick, sicker than I did with my angel. But I finally started to ease a little, ease a little with being so anxious and scared. I'm pregnant everything is going ok....
I bled again!!! Bright red blood... nothing compared to the first, but wow seeing that again.......
I just couldn't cope.
But I did, I went for a scan luckily enough straight away, and there is our baba perfectly fine.
Growing how it should be.....relief again....Thank you god!!
Week 10 - No more blood seen, at where at week 10 already, the first trimester is nearly over!!
Starting to relax again. And I have a bump...... It feels so natural to me again but at the same time so strange, we only just did this. I try and start to talk to this little baba, I find it quite hard.
I think I'm scared of bonding still, it feels to early there are big milestones to get to, so maybe it will be easier then....But I try this little baba needs to know our love.
Week 11 - Things are going ok. My bump is clearly visible and looks more like I'm 5 months pregnant!
This worry's me, too much fluid, over grown baby..blah blah head races.
Appointment with head at OB at hospital got to see wee baba quickly on scan. Grown heaps and moving all over the place. Went over the plan for the pregnancy and birth.
It's all feeling real now! They will meet me again in March and from 28 weeks onwards, monthly scans to check on growth and everything. C-section best way to go, so baby will be out at 39 weeks all going well.
I'm overwhelmed by it all, still thinking is this really real, still not fully being able to believe it, or get too excited.
Week 12 - Anatomy scan. So nervous! Glad my hubby is calm and keeps me from going crazy.
I just cant settle, what if something is wrong, I'm letting myself believe we will have a baby again, but we all know what happened last time.
Scan is perfect and amazing! Seeing this little baba just melts my heart.
Its bouncing all over the screen, doesn't stay still. Kyla was active but quite chilled at the 12 week scan. This baby is going crazy & I love it!
We get an amazing 4D picture aswell.
So we are here 12 weeks and all is ok, I start talking to my belly to our baby, saying how happy we are. Every morning I kiss my teddy that holds my angels ashes and then I place the teddy on my bump and say Hi little brother or sister. It makes me sad that this is my reality, but I want to involve my angel in it all. I start my rainbow baby's journal finally, I feel we have reached a good place and its ok to start this journey.
I believe Kyla will help us get this baby here safely.
Week 13 - Ever growing bump, oh mama its getting big. But I love it. Its the happy place for my baby to grow. I have to think this everyday, those thoughts of oh but this is where Kyla got infected, this is where she got so ill, where she began to die....its very hard to replace those thoughts and push that aside. But for this baba I will. And I'm reassured of what is true. I can carry a baby, a perfect healthy baby, we just need help at the end.
I'm feeling better now as well. Not as sick.
Week 14 - Week 14 really?? time is ticking, the first 12 weeks where scary and full of anxious moments, these last 2 weeks have flown by. Feeling positive!!
Although I did have a scare, nothing happened it was just myself, I scared myself thinking, what if something has happened and I just don't know about it...I didn't know anything was wrong with Ky when I was pushing her into the world so how would I know.
Thankfully I can go and listen to the heartbeat anytime I want, so for reassurance I did. And all was ok, beautiful strong heartbeat.
Time to relax and start enjoying this.
Week 15 - Pregnant again at Christmas, first Christmas being pregnant with this little rainbow, first Christmas knowing we should have a happy healthy 9 month old baby girl with us.
Its hard, but I do what is right for me, I have time to reflect on my angel, I even let my mind wonder to next Christmas, a little girl or boy, our baby here with us, that voice creeps in...don't get ahead of yourself!
We spend the afternoon with Family who are so happy to see us and so happy to see my big baby bump. It makes me realise, we can be happy, we deserve to be happy, the smiles around us and for us, happy smiles. I'll smile for my angel and for this baby that I love, that we love. We are smiling again and the excitement is there.
Week 16 - Headaches! Oh how I missed you! Its stinking hot, I'm pretty big, not huge but big, I'm achy and headachy and grumpy! But I'm feeling positive, we are now 4 months!!
We also have a Doppler that was sent by another angel mummy who lost her baby but has just had her rainbow baby. My midwife advised probably not to use it, as you can scare yourself silly.
But I have, I couldn't resist. And it has helped, on those days where I'm unsure, just to hear it. Makes such a difference to my anxiety levels.
Oh and importantly movements! I think I have been feeling little flutters since around the 15 week mark. But I have also felt some big kicks I would say. But then you question yourself, but again there movements you remember so well, you just know it more than likely is.
Week 17 - Found myself being paranoid again, it just sneaks its way in.
Haven't felt mush movements but I'm 17 weeks I know I wont feel things daily, but yet It panics me.
I have had the Doppler out a few times more this week, just to check.
My belly is big, which I love but it still makes me concerned.
Now the 19-20 week scan is on my mind. Will the growth be ok, will the fluid levels be ok...the brain, the bladder, the kidneys aggggh everything.
I'm scared again to think to far ahead, we decided in the early weeks that we have to embrace and think positive with this pregnancy, we have to celebrate it all, creating memories is so important.
So we are doing a baby sex reveal party in the next few weeks.
We wont know until we cut into a cake and see the colouring inside if your pink or blue!
Exciting, so exciting.....but are we getting ahead of ourselves!! People have been invited, its being organized, but the what if's are there!!
Oh well, we have made it this far, positive thinking, being surrounded by positive happy people and having a beautiful angel by our side.
We can do this and it will be ok!!!
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