Broken a litte bit more

I didn't think that I could break anymore , I thought my heart was shattered, so it couldn't break anymore, but I know these last few days its shattered even more.
I'm frustrated that this is my life, full of heartache and disappointment.
We keep trying to stay afloat, we keep hoping and holding on, we keep believing, but we keep losing, no matter how hard we try, this dark ass cloud keeps following us around, hanging above us, we see a glimmer of hope, but it doesn't last long.
Why cant the sun stay shinning on us.....what did we do so wrong!

I am not the person who goes down the self pity path, if I do I don't plan on staying there for long.
But what happens when the next steps you take just end up hurting you again, trying to pick your self up time after time, how can you get off the path....? how long can you keep doing it for?
I lost you Kyla, my world.
Wasn't that enough!
The best thing that ever happened to me was taken so quickly & I just don't know if we will ever get back to the path of happiness, every time we come close it gets taken away just as quick.
I`m so close to giving up, I want to fight but when I do, when I fight back, I get knocked over.

5 months ago our world fell apart and it hasn't stopped since.
All we want is to have a family, why is that now becoming the biggest challenge of our life's.
I don't want it to be our sole focus, I`m tiered, over 6 years of trying for a baby and then 3 years ago being told something devastating, that put us into the most difficult position and meant we had to make the biggest decision of our life and go through fertility treatment and for it to keep ending in tragedy....why!!!!
I don't know where to go at the moment, what do we do, do we give up....we cant and we wont but its a shit shit time!!!
Our funding has run out for the IUI treatment, the first one we did a few months ago didn't work, but we had one left.
Everything banked on it taking, if it didn't then we either wait another whole year for the funding to become available or we pay a stupid amount of money to try and make it happen.
We only have one wage coming in, I`m struggling with the whole going back to work thing, I`m still in the midst of grieving for my girl, and still focusing on having a baby, a baby that can stay here on earth with us.
Its tiring IUI, I know its nothing compared to IVF & I`m thankful at the moment I don't have to go there, but getting bloods taken everyday and then going through the IUI, then waiting the anguishing 2 weeks to see if where pregnant, its exhausting!
But I guess at least we have this option hey.
What is killing me right now is that the 2nd go worked, we got pregnant......
But as I write this, I`m currently I guess miscarrying, very early days, but It worked we got pregnant, but something went wrong and my body is saying no.
For me its nothing compared to loosing Kyla, Kyla was a full term baby, who was perfect and died due to something so stupid so its totally different.
Its so early with this one that i didn't hear the heart beat and I didn't see the scan, but it still hurts.
To start thinking Oh we are pregnant, maybe this is our miracle. But no.
I just feel yet again my body has failed me, my husband feels like he has failed me and now I keep feeling like I`m failing him.
Why are we being tortured!!! Even finding out about this last IUI, it has been a week of torture for us.
First the call saying your pregnant but your HCG levels are low so we need to get your bloods done again in 3 days & make sure they rise, but the next day I`m bleeding, not heaps but I`m bleeding.
I get told oh that doesn't sound good, your probably having a early mc, so we had a weekend of thinking that, only to be told on Monday that the levels have risen like they should so its looking good, but oh no.....the bleeding carry's on, teasing us, bloods get done yesterday and levels have dropped, still classed as pregnant due to the hormone level but I'm miscarrying.
So I'm sat here cramping, thinking really...is this really happening!!!!
I feel like where one of those couples doomed. The couple you look at and just feel sorry for.
I don't want to be them!!!
I know we have options and I know one day it will be ok.
But right now, after building ourselves up that little bit in the last 5 months, we`ve just been shattered again.

Giving up is all I have at the moment.

Re build, re focus. But for today all I see and feel is emptiness and I`m broken again.


I left myself believe for only a moment, but I left my self believe of our baby, Kyla`s little brother or sister, being in the room, in the cot.

But I guess it will remain....empty.

Life lessons

Wow am I learning some life lessons through loosing you my baby girl.

People are so different and this journey is showing me the true colours of people.
The people who you believe will be there but when it comes to it....they just aren't.
The people who take offence because you cant be there for them because their grieving too but seem to not understand that it happen to us where in immense grief,it was our child, our baby,our life.

Are we all that wrapped up in our own selfish little world....that we cant see the hurt and the pain....that we cant see that the people we love,the people we call family are their needing us.
Is it that they don't want to be part of the grief...they don't want to interrupt there so called perfect little life, and just be there for us.....is it that hard!
Can they not see the pain in our eyes, do they not understand that we cant go back to how it was, its not that easy, where taking baby steps in everything we do, is it that hard to see?

I question myself and think how would I have reacted, if someone close to me loss such a precious gift, would I just turn after the funeral , after a few weeks have passed, would I just turn and walk away??
I don't think I would, I don't think I could.

Would I question them for not visiting me anymore?
Would I question them because I feel there being distance with me?

In my eyes that's selfishness, there thinking of themselves, and not thinking of us.
Or am I wrong am I being selfish? should I be contacting everyone, should I be visiting everyone?
No I just lost my baby, it was only 5 months ago!!!

Do they not understand, that we went from blissful happiness to absolute heartache and despair?
Our world has changed, completely changed.

Where in a hole, which is dark and lonely, we can see a tiny bit of light, where trying to crawl our way up & out of this hole, but the soil and the dirt keeps falling back in around us, we are tired and scared and lost, but where trying our best to get out, but its a big hole and it will take us a very long time to get out, we probably wont ever fully get out.

No one knows what to say, no one knows to do, I feel like screaming "YOU don't know what to say?!! Do you think we have the words for this!"
Is it about words no, its about understanding and being there.
But this is where the problem lies, either people are too wrapped up in there own bubble, or the lack of awareness around child loss & grief is truly not spoken off & is this what people prefer?? Silence.

                                                    I had a baby, her name is Kyla Sian X

                                                       This is who I am...right now.....

                                                           
                                                             And sadly this is true.....

Baby steps

Taking baby steps.

When I think of baby steps, I think of my little girl, all cute & smiley, with little chubby legs, big eyes maybe brown or blue, little curls of  black hair, holding mummy's hands as she gets all excited and takes her first baby steps, she struggle`s & wobbles but try`s so hard, she wants to go faster and you can see the determination in her little face, my little girl if she could she would even run but she wobbles and falls. My little girls first baby steps would have meant the world to me, bursting with pride, taking photos to show the world of my girl, my Kyla taking her little baby steps.

Now I realise these baby steps that should be what I imagine above of my baby, are my baby steps .
Struggling to put one foot in front of the over, wobbling, wanting to run but I cant, I just cant.
I'm determined but its hard, people hold my hand but only for a while, I feel so lonely with these steps.
But these baby steps I take in a way do mean a lot to me, each step I take is a little stronger, I go a little further each time, sometimes I fall again, but sometimes I don't, I put one foot in front of the other and I try.
That's what bereaved parents do, we try, we try and carry on, we try and be ok in this big world, but we are taking baby steps again, because its so much harder now.

I don't really like taking baby steps, I used to take strong striding steps, but not now.

The loss of a child rocks everything onto another level, its the hardest most difficult journey to ever walk and baby steps are the only way.
Don't run ahead when your not ready too, don't try and take big steps when your not ready too, wobble and fall & know that its ok, take one step at a time, don't hurry your self.

To me this time is precious, its my time, our time, to fall and pick our selves up, grieving our babies is what we have to do, you cant ignore it, as the people around you do, they carry on with their steps, the steps they know and take no differently, but our steps are our healing steps and their new and different and scary for us, but they are precious on our journey ahead.

Just take baby steps.

Sometimes we take two steps forward

And one-step back

Some of us take baby steps

Some of us take giant steps

But the secret is not to let that

one step back turn into a failure
Learn from backward steps
And keep on stepping forward in this dance
Called life

Illuminate - A letter to my baby X x x

So I came across Beryl Ayn Young & her awesome creative course called Illuminate, due to our heartbreak through baby loss, this course Is about capturing the grief & your journey, through photography.
I`m finding since loosing Kyla, the best way to remember our story and journey and actually the only thing I can do is be creative, and what I like most is powerful images and the feelings & story behind them.

So here we go, week one:

A letter to my angel ,

Hi my gorgeous baby girl, I hope your ok, wherever you are.....
In my Nana's arm a physic told me, you be good baby girl & give Nana a kiss from me.
Mummy & daddy miss you so much, our heart aches for you every day.
I think about you and imagine you every single day, just like I did when I first found out about you.
Me & daddy was so happy when we found out we was finally pregnant, it took a long time to get you in mummy's belly and we had to make big decisions along the way, but we knew we wanted a baby and we wouldn't stop until we got you.
I`m so happy and proud that we did & I`m so happy it was you.
My beautiful girl.
Mummy`s friend bought me a diary to write in for you, so when you was older you could read all about being in mummy`s belly.
Every week I would tell you how I was feeling, and how my body was changing, and how my belly was growing. I wrote about your first movements, I loved feeling you move. I wrote about your scans and how much I worried all the time, and it always turned out to be nothing. I would finish everything off with, stay strong baby and keep doing what your doing, mummy will get you here safely.
You did so well Kyla, you grew big & strong, me & daddy just loved everything, seeing you on the scans, & we thank you for that beautiful smile you gave us on your 29 week 4d scan, I think you did that just for us.
Those 9 months where the happiest me and daddy had been for a while, and it was because of you.
Your was our everything from the start & you still are.
I`m just so sorry that right at the end ,it all went wrong. You was big a girl, & mummy was 1 week and 1 day over your due date, Nana and granddad came from the UK just for you, so they could see you come into this world. I hope you know we was all there baby, me  & daddy really thought wow this is it, we are going to be parents our little girl is on her way.
Little did we know how it was all going to change and we would be putting you to sleep for ever, we wouldn't have sleepless nights, we wouldn't be putting you in your bassinet, we wouldn't be changing you, feeding you, we wouldn't be doing anything. Please know sweetie we looked forward to doing it all, we couldn't wait, we really couldn't wait to meet you & hold you, kiss you and love you forever.
I`d give my last breath to put it into you, and give you the life you should be living.
I`m sorry that it finished this way. I had no idea when I was giving birth to you that things wasn't ok, nobody did angel. Everything was going perfect, so we all thought.
Mummy had a infection, an infection I had never heard off until recently. I hope they didn't hurt you on your post-mortem, Ky I`m sorry you had to travel alone, I`m sorry I couldn't go with you. But we needed to know what happened babe, you was so perfect it didn't make sense....
When mummy was in the water and I gave that last push, I remember everyone saying well done, she`s here, she beautiful. Words will never describe what I felt in that moment, I was so happy, so exhausted and all I had to do was turn around and look at you, I was a mum, you was here.
When I saw you baby girl, you blew me away, your beauty was beyond words...I felt something I have never felt, and that was pure love for you.
Mummy waited for you to move, I really thought you would. When they took you in the next room I thought I would hear you cry. I know Its not my fault but I cant help but just want to tell you that I`m sorry. I want to thank you though my beautiful girl, I`m thankful that I got you for those precious 16 hours, I just hope you wasn't in pain. It was the hardest decision of our lives to take you off life support, but I knew you`d gone, mummy knew you had already gone, Your eyes never opened and when the doctor opened them for you, I saw you had gone. I knew it was the right thing for you.
When I first held you, I cried all over you, but I was so happy to hold you in my arms, I had imagined that moment so many times, what I didn't imagine was holding you until your angel wings came.
But mummy was with you and daddy was too, and both nana`s and granddads.
Your little lips where perfect, and your nose so cute, your hair, you had so much of it, was so thick just like mummy's, you where my double baby girl, your was so so beautiful, I could have stayed in that moment with you forever.
Just know I will always fight for you and fight for what took you, Group B strep, so simply fixed, if only I knew, if only we knew, it may have changed the whole story. We will protect other people though now babe, we will make sure they know and make sure they get tested.
I just wish someone had told me, so maybe I could have protected you.

Me & daddy and all of you family, especially Summer your doggy all love you so much Kyla.
Your our first baby, our girl, our daughter, your our world, even though your far away in a different place,you are our world still. We will carry you with us forever, and hold you in our hearts.
You have changed so many people, me & daddy and everyone, your beauty and short life have changed us forever, I`ll be forever grateful and proud of you and so happy to say your my daughter. You changed me for the best & I`ll live my life the best I can for you.
I really wish you was here, I have so much love for you, we would have done so many things, we would have given you the best.
I'll be forever sorry, but I know you`ll walk with mummy and daddy forever.

Night night my baby girl, I`ll see you soon ok, come visit mummy whenever you want ok, I`ll be here missing you and loving you always.

X x x  Stay safe X x x


Twinkle Twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are.

Beautiful qoutes for baby loss

Figuring out life again...i thought i did this already!!

Time is ticking, ticking on by, stop the clocks I want to cry out loud.
Wait for me, I`m still in March, the months have gone by, but to me I`m still there in the month of when you died.
Is it I don't wont to move on or is that I cant.
I think its that I don't want to, if I do I move further away, further away from you.
I`m not ready, I`m not ready to... I guess let go, not even a little.
You was my life for the last 10 months plus, I cant just move on from that.
So I find myself back, back to when I was 20, figuring out my life & what I wanted to be & do.
That's when I met your daddy, back in the UK, and made the big decision to follow him out to New Zealand. Job wise I did sale`s & account management, I enjoyed it, but never gave it my all, because we wanted a family, so I put my concentration into that.
And now I look & realise the tragic truth, for the past 5 years my life has been about a baby, and after all that agonising time of trying and not succeeding, I`m back, I`m back there.
But I`m back with an angel baby under my wing.

It wasn't the way I saw things going.
So clueless is where I am, yet again.

Will we have a baby?? do I put the next how ever many years and how much money into that...??
We YES, YES I will.
I`m not giving up that easy!!!!
So clueless is where I`ll stay...for now...until I get what I want, what we want.

I want you Kyla ,but that isn't going to happen, I`ll have you as my angel baby always though, no one can take that away from me.

This poem fits perfectly! I chose it off my nana when I was about 16, I`m always coming back to it!

Don't quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road your trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low & the debts are high
& you went to smile but you to have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must but don't you quit
Life is strange with its twits and turns
as everyone of us sometimes learns
and many a failure turns about when they might have won
had they stuck it out
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow
Success is failure turned inside out
the silver tint of the cloud of doubt
and you never can tell how close you are
it may be near, when it seems so far
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit
Its when things seem worst
you MUST NOT QUIT

& Looking at my little gorg girl, how could I ever quit, how could I ever not make sure I get another beautiful baby, a little brother or sister for you Kyla.

Love you precious always X x x

Its Hurting again...its hurting always....It will hurt forever

Baby girl, I miss you!!!
I miss you every single day, every single hour, every single minute, every single second.
I'll miss you on every birthday, at every Christmas, on every anniversary, I will forever miss you.
Your mummy`s little girl always and forever, and that's how it will always be.

I hope your ok in heaven, I worry about you, I wonder who came to meet you on that day, that day when we held you in our arms and you slipped away, was you ok baby girl? Did you see my nanas and daddy`s granddad? I love to think they came and met you, they hugged you tightly and kissed you gently, they play with you and teach you, and most of all I hope they tell you about me and your daddy, I hope you know about us baby, I hope you watch us and love us just like we love you.
I see you smiling if I close my eyes, its hard to picture you properly though, your beautiful eyes never opened, but I try to imagine them baby, and I see your little smile, cheeky cheeks and dimples like mummy.
I see you in other children, when I see a mummy and daughter, I think of me and you, because I am your mummy and you are my daughter, I imagine brushing your hair, and tickling you as you giggle away, I sing to you.... Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, how I wonder what you are.....I think of you all the time.

I wish more than anything and I would give my last breathe to just hold you again or to see you smile.

I hope in time I can dream about you, I just want to know your ok. I need to know my baby, my girl, I need to know your ok.

Mummy`s not doing that great, I`m trying though Ky.
I`m trying for you.
I struggle with what to do now, all I want to do is be with you, and I cant be, so if I cant be I just want to remember you and think of you all the time, its been 18 weeks nearly baby, 18 weeks , the hardest most scariest, most horrible time of mine and daddy`s life.
I cant go forward and I cant go back, I feel stuck in a world of me and you, but your nowhere to be seen, just in my heart. I hate it baby, and I cant help but say "why"..."why you"..."why us"....
God has a plan, people say, there is a lesson in this....I struggle with that, why what would the plan be? to loose you, what would the lesson be...?
I met two angel mummy's, my heart breaks for them, we are the ABC club (angel, baby. club),
they lost there world too, they lost their angels, we spoke today about the lesson and what is the lesson that we have we learnt or are we still learning it?
Was it...to learn Compassion, to learn pure love, BUT really what could the lesson be..? What could the lesson be for us in loosing perfect little babies??
I don't see it....not yet anyway....ALL I see right now is that its unfair, its unbearable and its torture to the soul.
I hope you meet their angels, maybe you all play, I would like to think you do baby girl...playing and smiling :) all of you happy.

Oh Kyla, I cant believe that this is it babe, this is the journey me and you where meant for, I`d do anything to change it, I would do anything for you.
If I could put you back in my belly where you was safe and happy I would do it.
But I cant, I never can.

Miss you to the moon and back a million times over.
Keep safe as I always used to say in my diary when you was growing in my belly, keep safe baby, mummy cant get you here safely now but be safe in heaven, watch me baby and ill always be here for you, ill be watching you back.

My girl, my world, I love each and everyday now and always X x x

This is your song, Magic. Coldpay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PvBc2TOpE4