The lead up to my angels 1st Birthday

Creating memoires for your first birthday.

I cant believe I'm sat here writing in your blog, uploading photos that just don't seem real.
I look at them and think why am I doing this, this isn't real.
But it is real, its a whole year in 2 days since you the most precious beautiful little girl entered and left this world.
You would be getting ready to celebrate your first birthday, you would be taking your first steps, you would be saying little words, you'd be growing super fast and me an daddy would be loving every single minute of it.
I should be planning your first birthday, but instead I'm releasing balloons up into heaven, imagining my little girl catching them, knowing there being sent with so much love from mummy and daddy.

As your day approaches my world still feels very unreal, its a little more balanced in a totally new way but I'm still trying to understand it and live and learn what its all about.

Mummy has been blessed this week with special people who are helping to celebrate your life.
We had on Tuesday a chocolate cake and attempted singing happy birthday to you through tears, we released some pink balloons to you to catch in heaven, you were given a mummy and baby bear from another angel mummy who knows to well this pain. It was a special time. And you came along with me, I sat you on the table with your cake, you sat with the balloons and I held you tightly as we sent them to you.

Today I took to you to the beach, where we had yummy cupcakes, chocolate ones and pink ones with butterflies on them, We had more balloons to send you and your angel friends & we had little boats that we wrote on and sent off into the sea for you. We laughed and had photos taken, creating memories to cherish forever. We sang happy birthday to you sat up in a lifeguard box, it was fun and special.
The girls wrote your name in the sand with glitter. It was another lovely way to celebrate you.

On Saturday me and daddy are going to another beach, we will have a picnic and more cake :)
We will send you more balloons, and we will talk about you and try our best to get through the day.
I don't want to see a clock that day, I don't want to remember bit by bit. I want to celebrate you as weird as that sounds, but I want to be thankful for the time we got to spend with you, those 9 months of watching you grow, those moments after that we held you and got to love you even more.
I want to celebrate what we have now and be thankful for everything you have taught us in this past year. Through the hurt and the pain the only thing that has shone on us is you. Your beauty and light help us through, no one else, just you my girl.

I hope your liking your little celebrations that we have had so far, just remember I will always be holding you close to me every day, I love you more than words will ever say.
I promise to live for you my girl and for your little brother who loves you just as much as we do.

X x x Eat cake and dance on the clouds my girl X x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week 24 Rainbow baby Boy

Week 24

6 Months!!!! Its very nice to make it to another milestone. Although for me the milestone is actually getting this little boy here alive is the biggest milestone, each day and each week and each month is still a big deal. I know to much of what can go wrong at any time. So each day is a blessing, each moment spent with this little man wriggling around in my belly.....Blessing.
I had to go to the scan appointment on my own, which was a big thing. But I'm a big girl!!
Even though I wish my mummy was here with me :( Worse thing living on the other side of the world, most things if my hubby cant come I have to face on my own, and we all know there is no one better than  having your mum with you in times like this.
But the scan was great :), the lady who scanned me was lovely & she took her time to check everything. And you little buddy, beautiful!!! You was hiding your little face right down below, so I had to wiggle around to move you and thank you, you moved so we could see your face.
Funny as Kyla and this little one are in the exact same position!
He's beautiful! & Kyla he looks like you!!! I have a photo of the 2 of you, your both frowning on the scan hehe but wow the resemblance is there! You was 39 weeks Ky so full term but he really is looking like you!
How awesome my little angel if he's like you, I think he will have dark hair, and the same chubby cheeks. His nose is a little more turned up but he has another 14 weeks to grow so still some changes I'm sure.
This week has been ok, I think having a scan and seeing the little man and knowing all is ok helped a lot.
Now we just wait for the 28 week scan and the big appointment at the hospital.
Belly further growing & this heat is so draining, knocks me sick, but all worth it for this wee rainbow!

Rainbow baby - weeks 22 & 23

Week 22
Growing growing and growing! This little boy is going to be one big baby I think.
I'm so big! He's so strong! I have felt him since around 18 weeks even 15 weeks, little flutters here and there but wow at 22 weeks he's super strong. Pushes the remote when I place it on my belly, you can now actually see my belly moving and he's right up by my belly button. Not that I compare but we didn't see my belly moving like this with Kyla for ages, it panics me a little, but I know this is my second pregnancy so you do feel them earlier and its a boy so maybe he's just more active or stronger I'm not sure.

Anxiety levels are still here but this week especially with feeling him move often during the day have helped calm my nerves.

We took a big step and decided to go ahead and move our angels room around and make it our rainbow baby's room, shared with his angel sister but its his room.
I was a wreck thinking about changing things but we decided to go for it, so hubby painted one wall a gorgeous blue and we put some sticker decal on, and it looks so cool.
Walking in there now feels refreshing, it feels like it should be this way...which is weird.
Of course when it comes to hanging his clothes up and things I'm finding that difficult...is it too soon? shall we wait right till the end....  But I know there is no right time & I cant think that way.
He's ok right now so yes! I still haven't done it though.

Week 23
Ouch :( my belly is so big already and its causing me so many aches and pains, my hips hurt, my sides ache when sleeping on them, I'm sure I have pelvic griddle or whatever you call it!
Why do I feel guilty for complaining about this.... Its not the baby its just its hard and uncomfortable but that's ok, ill put up with anything as long as this little man gets here healthy that's all the matters.
So this week I had my MW appointment, and I was right this baby well my belly is measuring a few weeks ahead, so he's a big baba! They are sending me for the Glucose test next month the 2 hour one just to check its not diabetes, fingers crossed that's not the case and he's just big! He's getting stronger and stronger by the time I'm 30 weeks these kicks and hits are going to hurt haha! He is way above my belly button now aswell!
I feel really pregnant, heavily pregnant! Nearly 6 months so yey!!

Another big step we did this week, was getting our little girls things out and going through her clothes looking for all those natural colours to see what we could use. Luckily I found some things but not much. It was so hard looking at all these beautiful unworn girly clothes, knowing Kyla should have been in them! Instead they are in a sealed bag, packed away. I don't think I can ever bring myself to sell them. Then we had the cots sets and the bouncer/bean bag all the bigger things that are pink, these we don't have room for, so I had to move them on. Extremely hard steps to take.
And of  course it scares the crap out of me, I cant stop those thoughts creeping in, the mind thinking this could happen again, you could be selling these buying new blue things and you just don't know if this time it will be ok either, this is where I stop on moving forward with this rainbow baby, can I put myself and my hubby through this pain again....what if....what if....what if, No never I cant, we cant deal with anything going wrong!
But I have to move forward and try to carry on with some innocence, I have to do it for my boy. He deserves it.
So I plan to start and hang some things up in the next few weeks, and the image of Kyla's things hanging there stuck in time need to be put away, this little baby will be wearing the things I hang, I'll make sure of it!

A handcrafted box...thats what i left with...no baby....just a box

The 8th March just after midnight, I was being quickly pushed in a wheelchair out of the hospital, nothing but a box in my arms.
The undertaker had come to collect my girl, the police where guarding the door ready to escort her to the airport, all the way from Auckland to Wellington, she would be followed with the police escorting her.
I couldn't watch, I didn't want to leave her, but I couldn't watch the undertaker take her and the police following her, it was like a crime scene, something you only see on TV.
I kissed her cold forehead,turned and said quietly "get me out of here now, I cant watch them take her".
A nurse pushed me so fast through that hospital, tears where flowing down my face, it was so cold, I still had a nighty on, I was shaking and grasping this box in my arms.
Outside in the freezing fresh air, the stars are shinning away, the skies are so clear, its so peaceful.
We get into the car quickly, knowing the undertaker is somewhere with our girl close by and the police following. As we start to drive out, we see the long black car, knowing its the undertakers car.
I couldn't think ahead from that point, I felt like I had left my daughter alone, I felt like I had let her down so badly. I knew where she was going, I knew what they would do, but I couldn't and still cant to this day even go there it hadn't even been 24 hours since I had given birth and all this was happening to her.

The handcrafted box I left with that day I didn't want.
I should have had my beautiful little girl snuggled up in my arms, not a box.

It took me days to even look, I actually forgot all about it.

That box means so much to me to now. Little did I know what it contained and how it would make me feel close to my angel again.

I looked through it today, I don't too often because it hurts so much.
But it's full of the things from that day the 7th of March.
Your wrist bands, the patches that was stuck on your little chest, your first ever nappy, the little vest you wore, little booties a little hat, your foot prints, a little teddy.
I didn't remember any of these items, I only ever remember you, your beautiful face, how tiny you was, your fingers, your toes, your hair, your perfection.
But these little items are yours and you touched them and now I can hold them and touch them and feel so close to you, this little box means so much to me.

The message in the room, room 6 at NICU read Loveable one....and that you are my girl.

Whoever made this box I cant thank enough, I didn't leave with my baby girl in my arms but I left with memories so precious to me in my arms & now I know how precious this box Is.

Bumping along Week 20 & week 21

Week 20 - Hey baby BOY!!! Wow I cant believe your a little boy. I was so shocked, I really thought pink! Words cant describe how happy we are, it took a few days to sink in, but baby blue and we are so in love with you.
We bought your first little items of clothing. It was hard going back into the same shop where we bought Kyla's first few things too. My heart felt heavy walking past the pink things, how does it all just change so dramatically from then to now. That question why and how are never far from my lips.
But as hard as it is, we are excited to pick out our first baby blue items.
My belly Is rather large for 20 weeks! But I know you show earlier with your 2nd and hey this little dude is showing good growth, think we have a big boy on the way.
We have been feeling you move heaps, everyday really now for the last few weeks. And you are even pushing/hitting the sky remote on my belly! We used to play this game with Kyla when she was around 27-28 weeks and she would push the remote up and down, so we thought we would try it with you & bam straight away you was hitting it!!!  So strong hey little man!


Week 21 - Ok the weeks are ticking by...its going fast! This baba boy is getting strong :) some movements take my breathe away, but I love every little part of it. I feel so blessed to be pregnant again I know how lucky we are.
My anxiety and negativity keeps hitting me hard though, I have really good days full of positive thoughts, but then some days I just crash. I love this little man so much already and it scares me.
How can we fall so in love again just in case something happens, I mean no one really knows what happened, yes they think GBS and lack of oxygen but my placenta went missing so how can we ever be so sure. This scares me so much!! I promised Kyla I would get her here ok and I didn't, I don't care what anyone says...I didn't and I promised, I cant make the same promise little man, I want to but I cant. I think forward to the day when you'll be born, what if you don't cry......what if our world falls apart again, we have only just started rebuilding it all and we have fallen in love with you.
Its scary overwhelmingly scary.
I just have to trust in my body and my baby and my angel. I'll do everything that I can to make sure this ends with a live crying kicking baby in our arms.
Please pray that this time it will be ok.

Pregnancy after loss week 19/20 - Pink or Blue we Love you!

Week 19 - Full of excitement and nerves. The big 20 week scan approaching. All that runs through my mind is...is this little baba ok, has it grown, is it developing, what if....?
I find myself a nervous wreck! And I get frustrated with myself, why would there be anything wrong, everything was ok with Kyla, you can grow a healthy baby, this is what everyone keeps saying to me.
And its true I can, but I am very much aware of so many things that can go wrong, and why wouldn't it happen to me, the worst case has happened to me...my angel died and she was ok all the way through!

Week 19 & 3 days - Scan day! Nervous wreck, so anxious! We sit in the waiting room, my palms are sweating, my heart is hammering in my chest, all I want to do is run out. But my hubby holds my hands and says be calm for the baby, breathe. Deep breathes.
Scan goes amazingly well, baby is growing above average but that's ok, all the organs are developing on track, little baba's heart is fine, your baby is ok and we are very happy with the development.
I cant explain the relief that washed over me. We saw our baby in 4D and wow! Same features as Kyla, the eyes and lips, I fall so in Love all over again.
We got the lady to write down the sex as we didn't want to know then and there.
All was to be revealed the next day. I felt like I could finally in such a long time feel happiness and feel excitement for the next day, finding out if our little blessing was a boy or a girl.
It took a lot for us to decided to do a gender reveal, but we know from our angel how important creating these memories are, you just never know...and Id be lost with out the memories of Kyla.


Week 19 & 4 days -Pink or Blue we love you!  Its a......

 

 

Rianbow baby hand picked by your sister in heaven

So my little angel mummy wants to add to this blog all about my weekly progress through this pregnancy with your little brother or sister & basically to write about how I'm feeling etc being pregnant again after losing you, and how the loss of you effects me now. 

Week 18 - Felt so many more movements, near enough daily movements :), it makes me so happy to feel this little baba, but at the same time so weird as 10 months ago this was you my angel in here kicking away. Haha as I'm writing baba is kicking.
So week 18 has been totally mixed, feeling the movements best thing ever.
Anxiety has kicked back in though, the fear of GBS creeping in somehow!! Or just something not being right or going right is just constantly on my mind! I drive myself mad!
I have a Doppler so I can listen to the heartbeat but even after hearing the heartbeat a few hours later I'm thinking 'oh god...is everything ok still, what if the GBS gets in, what if there is something wrong'
I cant stop thinking about when Kyla came out and that silence, no cry, nothing. Its scares me, it haunts me, and I know I cant deal with that ever again! So my mind panics me, thinking what if this little baba comes out and there is nothing, the same silence :( :( or what If late onset GBS kicks in, we take baby home we are so happy and in love & then the stupid GBS comes!!!
But then I think was it GBS with Kyla, they are only guessing really! So what if there is something else...aggggghhhh!!! I know I have to stop and breathe. And think ok today is ok, this little beautiful blessing is growing and moving and all is ok. So HARD!!!
Just over a week though until we have our big scan, that scares me, but hopefully all is ok and we can have our baby sex reveal party!!!
So this week is a mixed week, there is excitement and there is nerves and worry.
Nearly half way there........breathe and relax is all I can do.

I also think knowing that Kyla's first birthday angel birthday is coming up, its playing on my mind more. I'm dreading that day, I  think I have to think about just holding Kyla and not all the 'oh I was in labour now, oh I would have pushed her out now, oh its 4:10am this is when my world crashed in front of me........I cant reply that day, I just cant.