8 Years Happy Birthday Angel

Your brothers & Our beautiful girl turning 8 years old

 

Wow 8 years ago today you came into this world and our lives changed forever in so many ways. 

I woke up today and I didn't want to deal with this day, I just wanted to curl up in bed & cry and just relive those moments those traumatizing moments that break me, but then there are those extremely special moments the only ones I have of holding you and kissing your face and being your mummy for those heartbreaking 16 hours that we had you for.

To solider on right now and deal with your beautiful bros and go to work & paint over the heartbreak is super hard because today your are 8 years old!! I cant believe its been 8 years, nearly double digits my girl. 

All the what ifs and what would you be like are intense today, I cant stop thinking of the little girl you would be, what would you be into....what would your personality be like, what would you be like as a big sister to your brothers....? So many questions that  we will never know & dam that hurts like hell. 

People say it gets easier....does it? 

Yes in ways maybe, but its more the fact you learn to carry on carrying the pain with you, that pain though never leaves you, its imprinted forever. 

For me each anniversary gets harder & that's because I now know what we are really missing out on, having the boys makes you feel it so much more. But of course that's something I'm entirely grateful for, without them I wouldn't have made it through, best distraction I could ever have asked for. 

They know all about you my girl. I said to Connor we will get a cake for you, it feels wrong to me at the moment though cake is a celebration and the pain of loosing you makes me not want to celebrate but your life, you, you deserve to be celebrated right...anyway he asked if he can come to your party, I said well Kyla's in heaven she will be having a party up there, he asked what is heaven like....I told him its a beautiful place where your with all the family. Guess you have to hold onto hope that that's true. 

I feel more at the moment its just the end that's it, but I really hope I'm wrong. 

Charlie always says he wishes you was here, he asks about you, say's your a butterfly, I like that. 

Happy 8th Birthday my angel, I love you, we love you & we will never forget you. 

Your always our daughter, our first born, we will forever speak your name. 

KYLA SIAN O'ROURKE 

x X x X x X x X 

#captureyourgrief 2016 #waveoflight #whathealsyou Day 15 Wave of light

Wave of light

I love this day!!! Im so thankful to those who made this day for us, it gives us a day to spread the word,to share our babies,to remember them and let the world know about them.
Its heartbreaking that their are so many of us, but we can all come together and help each other and that is the beauty of this day, from all the corners around the world we spread the light of our angel babies.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 14 beliefs & spirituality

Beliefs & spirituality

I have never been a religious person, i wasn't brought up around religion so its never really been a big part of my life. My Nana was religious she would always say a pray & wear her cross necklace.
But other than that not a big part of my life.

When Kyla was in hospital having a MRI to check for any brain activity, i prayed, i prayed so hard for anything, i needed a miracle, i needed help, i needed god to prove in that moment that he heard and he could help. I remember lying on a bed cuddling my husband as he tried to sleep, right in front of me i saw a cross, ill never forget it.
It wasn't an actual cross, not a painting, or a hanging cross. it was like when there has been condensation and you can draw on the wall,someone had marked it with a cross.
I looked and it scared me for some reason, now i think it was a sign, the sign that she wasn't going to make it, the sign i guess of death to be brutally honest, the room had been marked.
My girls ashes are in a teddy and around the teddy's neck is a pink cross.

Do i believe in god.....
I'm not sure, i want to, but i just don't know.
I want to believe my girl is up their with him, playing in gods garden.
Its hard to believe i guess when the worst thing has happened to you, how can these cruel cruel things happen, everyone said around me where is god now, i said and i say don't blame him he got her here for 16 hours he made sure we had precious moments, he gave us our boy , i have to believe he did i guess i try to believe in god but i struggle.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 13 Dear World

Dear World

The journey me & my hubby have been on for the last 8 years has been so so hard.
We are both emotionally & physically broken from it, but we are still standing, and we are standing together somehow!
No one can ever truly understand the crap that has been thrown our way and i wouldnt want anyone too, this is our path and our journey.
Everything seems to always be a battle, we have to fight all the way for so much.
I guess i want to say Dear world you deal the shittest cards but me and my man will always get up, we have been through hell and back from the day we decided to have a baby, the fertility issues, the loss of our girl,the trauma that followed it,the pregnancy with our boy, getting our boy here safely, and oh so much more & it continues but we are strong and we are stronger than ever.
Dear world give us a break haha but seriously life is a bitch but its also the one life you get there is alot of beauty out there, dont give up, dont loose hope, after all we have been through and trust me its never ending if we can both still be standing and smiling at the end then, anyone can.
Never give up, dont loose yourself too much as grief can take so much away but it can also open you up to life live it to the fullest no matter what shit gets thrown at you.

Find the beauty in the moment

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 12 Positive & blessings

Positive & blessings

What can come from loosing your baby, what blessing can surely come from it all.

I guess for me to help others is what makes me positive to continue through my loss.
I searched so much through so many sites to try and find people, i couldn't do this on my own, i needed to meet people who had walked this path, i needed to see that you can survive,hand on heart i truly thought i couldn't survive this, i saw no light, i saw darkness.
So and only recently i volunteered to be a member of Sands a charity for bereaved parents.
I want to help people, i want to let them know that i am here, i have walked the walk and I'm walking the path and that they are not alone. I hope to continue doing this and help people in anyway i can.

My blessing is my bog Charlie. He wouldn't be here if i didn't carry the hope, he wouldn't be here if and this is what i believe that his sister sent him to us, our true blessing.
The one that helped in so many ways for me to see the light again. True blessing.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 11 Creative Heartwork

Creative Heartwork

I have my tatoo, my Kyla corner,her hands & feet,her garden & of course her,the teddy holds her ashes, it holds my girl.

#captureyourgrief 2016 #whathealsyou Day 10 signs & symbols

Signs & symbols

At first i looked for signs everywhere, always looking, always asking, desperate to see something.
Butterflies was my number one sign, Monarch butterflies, i would see them always, flying past me so gracefully and beautiful. I would pretend it was my girl making a special visit to her mama.
Feathers, feathers defiantly would just appear not for me though,my hubby got feathers, my parents, his parents, the all found them in the most craziest places, in the garage when it was shut, floating into the workshop  at my hubbys work when he works at the back! He got big ones the one that appeared in his work shop was a beautiful one! The ones for everyone else were tiny little white or grey feathers. I think with me i just didnt notice or look. Once i started i started seeing them, they would just appear, it was crazy.
The biggest sign for me came from a friend.
I had been asking my little girl please send me a sign, come to me in my dreams,anything please just show me a sign.
I was back in the UK sat in my bed with my mama, when i got a msg, my heart skipped a million beats im sure of it, i chucked my phone in shock.
One of my oldest friends who i hadnt spoken to for ages, randomly msgd me saying....
She had been to see a physic and they told her that her friend had lost a baby girl, she thought of me straight away, she said that my baby is with me always, she is mischievous and moves things around.
Which is so funny the amount of times im positive i saw something right there and its just gone only to appear somewhere else. She said that my girl has her wings just like a butterfly!!
How beautiful, i cried, it was the best sign out of the blue i could have ever asked for.